Senses Of Insecurity
by Jaymi
Summary: Set in Season Two just after Surprise; Buffy and Spike are both hurting as their lovers usurp them, Angelus grows more powerful and he’s not the only Big Bad in town. (B/S mostly, but also some Scooby action.) *Complete*
1. Innocence Again

Senses Of Insecurity

I couldn't tell fact from fiction   
or if my dream was true,   
The only sure prediction   
in this whole world was you.   
I'd touched your features inchly,   
heard love and dared the cost.   
The scented spiel reeled me unreal   
and I found my senses lost.   
Senses Of Insecurity' by Maya Angelou 

Plot: Set in Season Two just after Surprise; Buffy and Spike are both hurting as their lovers usurp them, Angelus grows more powerful and he's not the only Big Bad in town. (B/S mostly, but also some Scooby action.) WIP.   
Rating: This chapter is basically PG-13 to be on the safe side, there is not really any bad language just vague references to sex.  
Disclaimer: You know the drill. It all belongs to Joss Whedon, I own nothing. Nada. Zeppo.  
Author's Note: This is majorly a Work-In-Progress. The first three chapters are based around the Season Two episode 'Innocence' but after that its going to change a great deal (I hope). Though most of the time I will be writing about Buffy and Spike, don't expect anything major to happen between them quickly. I want to make it at least a little realistic. There will also be bits of B/A, S/D, W/X, W/O, X/C and G/J. Enjoy!

Innocence Again 

_Do you remember when   
You were way back then   
You held the world   
inside your hands   
When you told me love   
Was the strongest stuff   
Your strength was innocence _  
Innocence Again' - Switchfoot 

Buffy sat in her classroom, third chair from the back. She was tapping her pencil against the side of her book and studiously paying attention to her lesson. 

...So Heathcliff finds when he returns that Cathy has left him and married another man. Ironically she has married this other man because he possesses the very things that Heathcliff goes out to get, and succeeds in finding. Heathcliff does have a gage on what Cathy wants, but he is too late to present it to her. Thus making all his efforts and sacrifices along the way null and void... 

She flipped over her copy of Wuthering Heights and read the blurb as the teacher continued to speak. She'd have to ask Willow about the story line, she summarised as the blurb was confusing. Or maybe she could talk to Angel, he was bound to have read it, gothic romance to a Vampire with a Soul must be like Kibble to kitties. Do kitties eat Kibble or is that dogs? 

The bell rang and saved her from a severe case of brain-babble. Shoving her books into her bag Buffy quickly swung it over her shoulder and hurried after Willow. 

Willow questioned helpfully. 

Buffy nodded, To see if-- Yes, library. 

I'm sure he'll turn up soon, Buffy, all safe and in once piece... 

Buffy's brows knitted, If he does then I will personally beat him up...

Willow glanced across at her, surprised. 

Well, if he's in one piece then he hasn't got a good excuse for disappearing..

The two girls turned into the Library to find Giles and Xander both peering over books. The former was expected but the second caused them to do a double-take. 

Hey! What? Just because I don't like to read doesn't mean I can't! Oh, what's that? Kidding!! 

Caffine high Xander?

Just a few cokes.. Heh.. 

Caffine and sugar then, huh, anything Giles? 

Giles glanced up and immediately removed his glasses and began cleaning them in a flippant gesture, 

No, Buffy, I'm sorry.. 

Buffy straightened her posture, 

Its okay Giles, no big, I'll just have to look myself.. 

Xander picked up a particularly heavy looking book and offered it to Buffy with an angelical smile, Lockson's Guide to Ninth Level Deamon's and their Freaky Mojo Masters? 

Buffy blinked at him, she asked for a second, confused. Then realisation dawned, 

Oh, the Judge guy.. No, I meant Angel... I'm going to look for Angel.. 

Giles sighed, ... At the moment your missing boyfriend is the least of our troubles--

Our troubles maybe, but not mine. He is my priority. She held up a silencing hand when Giles made to rebuttal, Besides I'm not research-girl. Even Xander does that better than me.. 

Xander yelped indignantly, then after a pregnant pause, I mean about the girl bit.. 

I suppose you're right Buffy, but don't tire yourself out looking for Angel, he's used to taking care of himself.

Buffy uttered quietly before turning and walking from the Library. 

***

She smacked Willy up against the bar again. Her fists were clenched, one around his shirt-collar and the other ready to strike. If there had been anyone in the bar after Willy's not-so-subtle warnings of her presence she had certainly scared them out now. Willy seemed relatively unharmed apart from the split eyebrow, and she hadn't _really_ meant to punch him that hard anyway. Also his breath was coming out in irregular panicked gasps and a thin sheen of sweat licked his face, 

I swear, Slayer, I haven't heard anything about your Vamp... 

Buffy glared at him for a few seconds before loosening her grip, 

You're sure now Willy? Because I'd hate for this great relationship we have to go-- she pulled a stake from her pocket, -- Poof. 

Willy glanced at the stake and laughed nervously, 

I'm human, Slayer, you can't stake me.. 

You'd be amazed at how many things a sharp object to the heart will kill. But I don't kill human's Willy. Though isn't most of your clientele Undead-and-Loving-it? Bet you'd hate for them to just... she raised the stake in an expressive gesture, 

Heh, I really don't know anything, Slayer, honest. 

Buffy pushed the stake back from her pocket and after one last warning glare at Willy she released him entirely. She wouldn't admit it but she felt drained. She'd been around the whole town-- everywhere that Angel might have been -- but there was no sign of him. And after her, ehem, lack of sleep the night before, she felt in need of a shower then cottony sheets. With that sick feeling of worry settling in her stomach she made her way out of Willy's, leaving him to clean up the mess. 

She confessed to herself that she was even more worried now than she had been before. Angel missing from her sight was one thing, but Angel missing from town, that was most definitely another. Along with that she didn't even want to throw what had happened the night before into the mix._ He was supposed to be there, to hold her and tell he that he loved her, and to make it perfect. To tell her that everything would be all right. Oh, Buffy, don't go there... _

She strolled across the street and almost did a double take as a pay phone moved into view. She only thought about it for a second before sprinting to pick up the receiver and fishing for change. The phone rung three times before being picked up by the best person Buffy could have wished for, well, almost. 

Hey, Will... Uh, did Angel check in? 

No, no, he didn't, but I'm sure he'll... 

Where could he be? What--What is he doing? 

She knew she sounded angry and mentally told herself off for the moping a few moments ago. 

Well, Buffy, he probably has some plan, and he's trying to protect you. 

Huh? Protect me from what? This Friendly-Blue-Judge? What plan does he have that wouldn't be safer with a Slayer onboard...?! 

Well, I-I don't know what. I'm not in on the plan. It's his plan. 

As quickly as it had arrived the anger dissolved, leaving only the frightened sound of her breathing. Buffy quietly voiced her one deepest fear, 

Will...What if he's dead.. 

No. Don't even say that! Angel is not dead. 

Buffy's lips curved slightly and the solitary tear that had been meandering down her cheek dropped off her face, 

Yeah.. You guy's gonna be in the Library for a while? I just need to stop home-- Bath. Bed. ...An..And then I'll join you. 

Yeah, of course we'll be here. 

See you. 

Buffy barely heard the farewell from Willow as she placed the phone back on its hook. She rubbed her dry eyes and turned around to check the bushes for gawkers. Paranoid. She forced herself to pick up her feet and began to walk back to her house. She blanked her mind of all the thoughts that kept surfacing nastily, as well as the flashback's off her dream and the night before, and instead inserted some insanely-happy pop tunes. She was humming along to some Backstreet Boy's song as she rounded the corner to Rivelo which stopped her avoidance dead in its tracks. Buffy continued however to walk up to her house even if the images of a dead Angel kept making sporadic appearances in her head. As she neared the door to her house--- 

**_I cannot move or see you fly   
Now that I've found..._**_   
Drusilla suddenly appears behind Angel and thrusts a stake into his back. He arches backward in pain.   
  
_**_...this love._**_   
She reaches out for him, and he for her, but before they can touch he begins to disintegrate. His ring, symbol of his love for her, falls to the floor and Drusilla takes a few steps forward.   
"Happy Birthday, Buffy. _

-- Buffy turned around and rushed away from her house. She had to find him. 

Right, Buffy, think about this logically, start at where you saw him last. He wasn't a remote control but it could still work. So she rushed to Angel's apartment. When she arrived outside the door she couldn't help but slow down to push it open gently and close it behind her. This was a setting that she would probably remember for the rest of her Slayer-life. Which granted wasn't long. But it was the place. Was she being _too_ melodramatic? 

She looked over to _the_ bed-- 

It had been made. Confused, hurt, bewildered she walked over to the smoothed out sheets and reached for a shirt that has been laid out. A soft thrum in her stomach alerted her to someone at her back. Unthinking, she'd never make a good detective, she turned around and-- 

Buffy shrieked. _Thank God._ She ran towards him and flung her arms around him, burying her face into his neck. She had never been so relieved. Her breathing was ragged and she felt the need to cry, laugh and hit him all in the same motion. She held him so tight that she didn't even notice he wasn't returning the favour. 


	2. Take It On The Other Side

Take It On The Other Side

_Centuries are what it meant to me   
A cemetery where I marry the sea   
Stranger things could never change my mind   
I've got to take it on the other side   
_Other Side - Red Hot Chilli Peppers 

All I'm sayin' luv is that I'm not sure we can trust him.. 

Spike sighed and absently rubbed at one of his wheels as he stared at his lover. Drusilla, who had been sitting on the long oak table and pouting suddenly giggled at his last words. 

He's a demon, Spike, can't trust demons... 

But he's family. 

Spike sighed, wishing sometimes that he could control those brief spurts of sanity the Dru seemed to get. The past few hours had been some of the most painful of his unlife, and being a demon and therefore drawn to pain he hadn't enjoyed it nearly as much as he should have. Dru on the other hand was in her element and it was only Spike's words of warning that had brought her down from a euphoric bubble. And that was the source of his pain. He had been well aware before Angelus had become soul-endowed that there was some Oedipus thing going on between him and Dru. The soul had been a curse to Angelus, but a blessing to Spike. Or the Vampire equivalent to a blessing. Because it allowed Dru to move on and love someone other than her insane Sire. 

It had only been a few hours since Born-Again-Boy had walked back into their post-death lives and already he felt as distant from Dru as he had felt a hundred years ago. 

Oh, poor Spike! I know what's wrong! 

Spike glanced over at Dru sceptically, she was rarely aware of his feelings. 

He's hungry! 

Ah ha. 

Don't worry, I'll bring you something to eat... 

Spike sighed, but she was trying, 

All right pet-- 

I can't wait to go hunting with Angelus again! she paused then said smoothly, Its been so long.. 

With his mind clear on the insinuation in Dru's last utterance he smartly turned the wheelchair around and glided to a slightly more dank-dark part of the mansion, leaving Dru to fall back onto the long table and stretch out her arms welcomingly to the ceiling. 

*** 

Willow stretched and pulled at the hem of her dress which had ridden up to an uncomfortable hight. Xander, Cordelia and Giles had disappeared and she was the only person sitting at the Library's main table. The absence of Buffy was worrying her slightly, but only slightly. Buffy had a mom who actually cared where she was at 11pm at night, when she noticed, and so therefore Buffy might have been grounded or something. Besides, Buffy was the Slayer. 

In front of Willow on the table were volumes and chronicles and none of them offered her the answer to the question of how to kill the latest big-nasty. The Judge, destroyer of the pure, no weapon forged, blah blah. She had thought of a million different ways that this Judge could be killed, but none of them really seemed probable. Especially the idea with gunk and wacky mallet. Even gunk was forged right? 

Sometimes Willow's brain ran on when she was nervous, just like her mouth. It was one of those things that people called endearing, but also embarrassing and spazy. 

she said quietly to herself, What's with leaving me alone to do the research? But being Willow and therefore accommodating and wanting to help' person, she shut the book she was holding and made her way up into the stacks to look for another. 

Willow walked around the side of one bookcase and her eyes fixed on the two figures clutching at each other. Their lips were pressed together in a passionate kiss and they looked so different. Strange that two people that Willow had known for almost all of her life could look so different after a simple kiss. 

Cordelia chuckled and pulled away from Xander's embrace. A second passed between them where they still stared at each other before their eyes instinctively darted to the voyeur. Willow was frozen watching them but their movement drew her out of the headlights and she had only one feeling. That she needed to get away. That somehow if she left and forgot then things would go back to how they were before. She ran. 

*** 

The man stalked through the crowd of sexually charged teenagers. Stalked was the exact word for it, the only one better than that might have been prowled. Because he was a predator, not the conventional sort, but a wild animal tamed into human form so that it might hunt its prey better. Like a chameleon. Angelus wasn't really that hungry, he'd already killed two people and sucked them dryer than a road in August. But he enjoyed the death more than the sustenance. 

But he was also trying to get her out of his mind. Her recent touch and kisses were only the beginning of the deep dirty feeling that he got from her. Not good dirty either. He had loved her, some part of him had loved that tiny girl and he still remembered it. That was worse than remembering the kisses and touches. It was more than that though, because he feared that that same part still did love her. He needed a good kill to get her out of his system. He'd kill her soon enough as well, but not yet. It was enough to know that she still thought he was her boyfriend when he'd said those things to her. Even the thought of it brought a less-than-sane smile to his face. 

Angelus leaned against the far wall of the Bronze nonchalantly. He watched the throng of swaying bodies and tried to pick out his next victim. It did not take him long. A girl danced towards the outskirts of her group with no-one in particular. She was confident enough not to need a partner, but conscious enough not to take centre stage. She would be perfect. 

He stood up and strode straight towards her. She didn't notice him at first, but when she did her eyes widened appreciatively. She was faux-blonde with brown eyes and a strappy little dress on, and her hips kept swaying to the beat of the song playing even if the rest of her body was motionless and suspended by the sight of him. 

Can I have this dance? Angelus asked. He'd heard that line in a film once and had always wanted to use it, and of course pervert its use. Because unless he had fallen asleep way too early the girl accepting the dance had never been brutally killed afterwards. The girl had obviously seen the same film because she giggled at the corn-factor before nodding. 

He pulled her to him as a slow song started, and inadvertently into the middle of the group of dancers. Her form was small and she fit into his violent embrace. He wrapped his arms around her waist and she lent her head against his chest as he wondered how he would kill her. Suddenly her touch seemed a little too familiar, her embrace a little too exciting and her looks... 

The girl looked up expectant and confused as the handsome man she was dancing with pushed her away and out of his arms. He stared at her for a long moment, and in that time she noted how pale he was and how his chest ceased to rise and fall with breath. It would any moment, she convinced herself and waited as the song that had been swaying to continued. Any moment... 

Angelus couldn't even begin to express all of the rage he was feeling. But he could start. Reaching out so calmly he slipped one hand around the back of the girls head and another to her chin as if he was about to trace the contours of her face with his fingers. She stared at him and just as he smelt the first waves of fear from her he jerked his hands one fatal movement and the girl dropped from his hands. Dead. 

*** 

Cordelia lent up against the bookcase at her back. She was positively furious. She was angry because Xander had to comfort Willow, and because she could guess the things he was saying to her. 

_I just wanted to stick it to a popular girl'_ or _It didn't mean anything'_ and worse of all _She could never mean as much to me as you do.'_

Yeah, that'd be what he was saying to her as he comforted her. His Willow. 

She'd never meant to fall for stupid Xander Harris, but he was the only guy that she knew who wasn't afraid of being nasty to her. Way to come off like a masochist. But all of the guys she'd dated before had been so worried about smudging their trophy that they never saw who it was. Or they'd wanted to nail her. 

Cordelia walked down from the stacks. She would most certainly not cry about Alexander Harris, or worry about what he was doing now. 

...Even if there was screaming coming from that direction... 


	3. Over The Rock

Over The Rock

_The sap   
Wells like tears, like the   
Water striving   
To re-establish its mirror   
Over the rock   
_From Words' by Sylvia Plath 

Mom! Please, I'm fine. 

Honey, don't say that when you are obviously not fine'. And what an inexpressive word that is... 

Yeah, inexpressive or not, I'm it. 

Sweetie, its not good to repress feelings, especially in your age-band. 

Willow quit trying to hide her tear-reddened eyes and hoped that the raw-blush had lessened from around them. To say that she quit trying to hide them was perhaps not correct because a wave of dark-red hair still masked her face from her peculiarly-concerned mother. 

Uh, mom, I think I left some stuff at school... 

Her mother straightened up immediately and moved away from her daughter. 

That's not like you Willow, you know how important schoolwork is. 

Yeah, I know mom. I'll just go and pick it up. 

Willow waited almost a minute before she stood up from her seat. She knew it was almost a minute because she counted. Her mother had not offered to drive her to school, or reprimanded her about going out so late, or even shown any concern about letting her teenage daughter go out into a town which had a death rate exceeding its amount of twinkies brought. Or whatever the newspaper compared it to. Her involvement did not last long then... 

Truthfully it did not bother Willow as much as it used to. It was probably one of those things that she'd tell her kids when they were getting needy, or her therapist. But not as life-threatening as Vampires, or overgrown Smurfs with the ability to incinerate anything they touched. She pointedly forgot about the pain throbbing in her chest. It was metaphorical after all, because there was no scientific reason for her to be hurting this much. It didn't make sense. 

*** 

Yanna brushed raven, and if truth be told, slightly greasy hair from her face. In her occupied hand she held a home-made talisman which she waved every now any again over a candle. She read the smoke that appeared from the burning herbs and her brow furrowed in a frown that she knew made her look older. 

In an abrupt movement she smothered the candle and let go of the talisman, her eyes fixing shut. 

You've seen it Yanna? 

Yes Uncle... 

Then you had better hurry. And take the strength of our hatred with you. 

Hatred will not repel him. 

Then you had better take this also... 

Enyos passed his niece a large cross, which had been resting obviously on his bedside table. It was a good thing that Sunnydale was thought to house a number of fanatical Christians otherwise people would be suspicious by the amount of crosses that turned up.   
...And hope that it is not strength of faith alone that makes that artefact untouchable by him. He nodded towards the cross, Otherwise you will be as helpless as before. 

Yanna sighed, but she did not have time to argue with her Uncle over the finer points of religion and Vampirism. She clutched the cross tightly in her hand and moved with reluctant swiftness back to the high school. 

*** 

Buffy listened to the frightened conversation with disbelief, but also conviction. This could not be Angel, not the man she loved. Something must have happened to him, maybe a spell or a possession or something. He had taken than Egg-nog demon from Miss Calendar not so long ago, maybe that was controlling him. Angel would not have said the things that came from his mouth that day, nor would he have attacked her friends... 

Buffy, being able to multitask sometimes, as long as it was not to do with schoolwork, had been thinking and listening to the conversation, so when she heard her name she jumped in. It was timed perfectly like a line in a movie. 

I got a message for Buffy. 

Why don't you give it to me yourself? 

He spun around to face her and for the first time she saw that he was wearing his Vampire mask. She had once told him that she did not notice the difference between both of his faces, but now she knew that that would never be true again. 

Well, it's not really the kind of message you tell. It sort of involves finding the bodies of all your friends. 

This can't be you. 

Gee, we already covered that subject. 

Buffy flinched at the reminder of the words before but continued doggedly. Perhaps she could coax Angel to the surface and help him overpower whatever was controlling him. Or perhaps she could distract him long enough to attack. 

Angel, there must be some part of you inside that still remembers who you are. 

Dream on, schoolgirl. Your boyfriend is dead. You're all gonna join him. 

_Dead... It wasn't true._

Leave Willow alone, and deal with me. 

*** 

Spike, why won't you come to bed? Miss Edith is afraid of the sun and the naughty grasshopper won't stop chirping... 

Drusilla made waving motions with her hand as if they perfectly enunciated her words. They didn't, but it pleased Spike that she was safely detached again, and that she still wanted him in her bed. Which was also why it pained him to say, 

Can't luv, I'm still half-a-bloody-Herbie. 

Dru giggled and tosses her head back, staring upwards at nothing. It seemed like she was about to say something, but instead she stood there, swaying ever so slightly on her feet. Spike rolled his way over to her cautiously. He had seen her change moods quickly enough times not be close when she got into a rage. But she didn't seem to be angry, just absent. Or more absent than usual. He dragged the wheelchair around behind her and reached up. 

It seemed like it had been so long since he had touched her, but now the velvet of her dress was enough to strengthen his resolve and he pulled her down onto his lap. She did not immediately snap out of her trance, but a soft smile shone on her lips. Finally she blinked a couple of times before sighing a name that made Spike's long-inactive stomach muscles contract. 

***

His grip was rough, Angel would have never touched her like that. He smelt the fear on her like a badly applied perfume, only this smell was intoxicating. He lent closer to her, and whispered, 

Things are about to get _very_ interesting. 

His lips were on hers violently for a brief second but even before he started he realised it was not a good idea. No, not a good idea... It was a _bad_ idea. The kind of idea that made him grin in his sleep. But still he quickly shoved her away from him into a wall and backed out of the conveniently placed door. His last image was of her crouched on the floor with tears spotting her eyes. It was a start. 

*** 

Buffy stared off into blank space. Those lips that had touched hers were familiar but different. It was a strange sensation. She knew that mouth so well, and yet they way that it had touched her tonight had been alien. How did that work? How could you know someone so well, and yet a shift inside their skin and it all becomes redundant. She still did not know what had happened to Angel, but the thing that wore his body had said.. Dead. And she believed it. Because if any part of that was Angel then he would have never let that thing hurt her. 

She was content to just sit and contemplate thoughts like this because if she moved then things would change. They'd be different and however much she debated it in her mind she would not be ready. 

Buffy sat quietly in the hallway of her school with her two best friends watching her anxiously for any sign of change. She hoped they saw none. 


	4. Even To Remember

Even To Remember (Makes Me Afraid)

_Did she want me to change?   
But I change for good.   
And I want you to know,   
That you'll always get your way._   
Shiver' by Coldplay 

This is all we have! 

Buffy and the rest of the Scooby Gang, including the newly arrived Oz, stared first at Giles and then at the piece of paper he was brandishing. On the paper drawn in what looked like blue marker was a crude leopard-shape. Xander was the first to speak. 

All we have is Pictionary? 

His utterance gained a stony glare from Giles, but it broke the silence that the group had been wallowing in. They'd been up all night burying Judge-bits and were working under the code of no-sleep-does-not-a-happy-monster-killer-make. Buffy was the next person to chip in, 

Okay, Giles, what does it mean? 

Well, it could represent an actual Leopard, or an allegorical one. For example in Dante's Divine Comedy is used to represent sexual promiscuity and that could also tie in with it being sighted in the woods. Dante's Leopard was in the allegorical woods of sin.... 

So you're saying that the person who saw this Al-Goreicle being had enough time to draw it down before being savagely murdered and torn apart? 

Yes, well-- 

They said pieces, Giles! Like Judge pieces! I doubt the guy had enough time to represent his killer with a clever picture-puzzle. 

Xander watched Buffy and Giles have another verbal battle and relaxed back into his chair. It was almost as if things were like they'd been a week ago. They weren't, but he could pretend. His hand wandered over to Cordelia's on the desk and he brushed her fingers with his for a moment. She jumped back and glared at him, 

she hissed. 

He brought his hands up defensively, not wanting an argument and pretended to be very engrossed in what Giles was saying. 

...I would not even have been drawn to this had we not dispatched of the Judge so quickly. 

...And you reward us for that with Murder-Mystery? 

Buffy, please, this is serious. A man did die. 

Giles, give me something I can kill. Not just wild speculation. 

Cordelia interjected, Isn't that why we're here and not living our lives? She glanced around at the group, --Sorry, _life_, singular... So that we can find out whatever this thing is and Buffy can kill it. 

Assuming that it was a Leopard did this, why not one that escaped from a zoo rather than an Hellmouth-Spawned-Leopard? 

They don't keep Leopards in the local zoo, Xander.. 

Just asking. 

Willow, for the first time in a while, was not paying much attention to the conversation going on around her. She was more intent on secretly watching Oz and debating on whether to hold his hand or not. Would it be too forward for her to initiate hand-holding? Does a man have to start that? Would she be breaking the digit touching rules? 

Hey, it was a full-moon last night, maybe it was a wereleopard. 

Its a possibility Xander. 

You mean we actually-- Goody. Gotta love living at Boca Del Inferno! 

Giles shook his head patiently and was about to ask the group before him to begin research before the exact words that Xander had said sunk in. He turned to the teenage boy and stared in open surprise before uttering, and dashing away into his office, closing the door behind him. 

Okay...That was weird... 

*** 

Dru, baby, please... Spike pleaded even though he knew there was no way of changing her mind. Even if she was aware of what he was asking. 

Dru shook her head, Bad Spike, can't leave Daddy at home alone.. 

This isn't our home Dru! And he stopped being your Daddy' a long time ago... 

Oh, now Spike, I may have been an absent father figure. But no-one should stand between a parent and child reunion. 

Angelus walked from the shadows, as he was prone to do, and wrapped an arm around Drusilla's waist. She giggled and lent into him like a co-conspirator. Angelus locked eyes with Spike as his hand crept down Dru's front. For a few moments Spike was paralysed _--funny--_ with indecision, but when he did move it was only to accent Angelus's hold over him as he wheeled out of the room. 

Great. Just bloody great. 

As soon as Spike was far enough away from the aggravating couple, he gingerly stood up and stretched his legs. He was most definitely in the mood to kill something. Or several somethings. He could go back and stake the bugger right now, but there was the possibility that that would end up badly for him. Hell, _possibility_, it was an absolute certainty. So, feeling sorry for himself, he made his way out of the mansion and along one of the many roads that littered Sunnydale. 

*** 

She was a hunter. Nothing could best her in a battle, she was strong, and clever, resourceful. And not afraid to kill. 

But she was also just a girl. 

It was typical that when she wanted just to be normal she would get treated as the Slayer, and when she wanted to be the Slayer she would be disregarded as harmless. In the latter it was an advantage. 

Buffy walked through the Hutchinson Cemetery slowly. A large arm was draped over her shoulder and the relatively handsome boy it belonged to kept in step with her easily. 

So, Buffy, you go to school around here? 

Oh, that's good. 

The guy was clearly thinking he had picked up the wrong girl. In the Bronze she had seemed confident and seductive, but outside she was reserved and cold. 

Works for me. 

Still there are a lot of bad people around here. 

I'm sure you'll protect me. 

It was the swooning comment of a weak woman but it was delivered dryly and with no-emotion. The guy was tired of this bitch and her... bitchiness. His grip tightened around her shoulder. 

But what if its me you need protecting from. 

They had gradually stopped walking and were standing by several unobtrusive gravestones. Buffy shrugged off the guy's arm with ease and turned to face him. It didn't surprise her that his face was now different from that of the guy that she had picked up in the Bronze. His eyes were shocking yellow and the pupils were more like a cat's. His forehead was drawn together and considerably more lumpy than it had been. And most subtly were the two canines now poking at his bottom lip. She sighed. 

The guy, obviously taking her sigh as an emission of fear, grinned. This was his favourite part. 

Gee, sorry to go all evil on you. 

Don't worry.. Buffy said softly, as she reached into her pocket and pulled out a stake, I'm used to it. 

The Vampire's first mistake was not running straight away. He should have just turned and fled and then he would have had a better chance of surviving. But he, like so many Vampires, had a perverse need to fight with the Slayer. She called it overconfidence. 

He made the first move, rushing at her his arms outstretched and a deep-throated growl coming from his mouth. She waited calmly until he was touching her and then stuck her hip out into his pelvis, flipping him onto the ground. It wasn't that easy, it never was. 

He lept up to his feet almost at once and stared at her with recognition. Which was funny because he was barely more than a fledgling. 

He ran at her with a volley of kicks and punches. She blocked each easily, but only managed to throw one in return. Luckily he was not as good at defending as her, because her punch had him sprawled out over the ground. 

The Slayer leapt on top of the Vampire and started pummelling his face violently. As if there was another way to do it. After a few long minutes of struggling and punching, she realised he was unconscious and with a little bit of a sheepish look on her face she stood and moved to retrieve the stake she had dropped on the ground. 

It was then that she spotted the other Vampire watching her from the end of the Cemetery. She grabbed the stake and thrust it into the unconscious Vampire's heart, not even stopping to watch him turn into dust. Instead she took off at a run towards the familiar peroxide-dipped Vamp, who in his turn turned and ran. 

(Author's Note: I've now broken away from the events that actually happened in the show, it should get even more different later on. I just want to thank those people who have reviewed this fic already. Thank you.)


	5. Do You Love

Do You Love

_Do you love   
Do you need love   
When your angels cry   
Does your spirit die _  
Do You Love' by Natalie Imbruglia 

It had taken her almost ten blocks of running but she had finally caught up with him. He had run into a dead-end and she had sprinted around the corner with satisfied certainty that she would at least be able to get in once evenly matched fight before she had to return to the land of thoughts and feelings. 

Spike stared at the dead-end in disbelief. It was almost a laughable situation. And indeed if it had happened in reverse he'd be laughing quite a bit. But being cornered by the Slayer wasn't an entirely bad situation. 

Hey Spike. 

Just out for a midnight sprint? 

Wasn't planning on it. 

Now you know that's dangerous... Buffy carefully checked around for possible weapons and points of attack and weakness, ...You could strain something if you don't stretch first. 

Thanks. I'll keep that in mind for next time. Why aren't we fighting? 

Both Slayer and Vampire shifted to fighting stances, one foot slightly in front of the other and arms raised it readiness. This time Buffy made the first move with three swift punches to the face followed by a roundhouse. Spike countered with two punches before ducking away from the kick. 

The two of them fought with a fury for what could have been minutes or hours. But neither of them were really there. Buffy was not punching Spike and Spike was not punching Buffy. There were both just dancing with each other while they imagined other partners. The anger that they expressed though was true, and when the fight came to a halt both were left with a cathartic feeling. 

Spike was also left with the feeling of a wooden stake jammed against his chest. He stared down at the tiny Slayer and a smirk ripened his lips. This was it, he was dust. But instead of feeling death the Slayer spoke to him. 

Where's Drusilla? 

he coughed. You think I'd tell you an' have you going round and staking her? Honestly Slayer, you're almost as bonkers as that ponce of a boyfriend of yours. 

Where is she Spike? she spat his name at him with disdain as she pressed the stake into his chest. Her other hand crushed into his neck, and though she was aware Vampire's did not need to breathe her grip was firm. 

With him. he submitted quietly. 

What? With who? 

Spike's smile became nastier and he raised his eyebrows. He pushed back all the emotional pain at making the insinuation, and simply did it. 

*** 

You're sure the whole werewolf thing doesn't freak you out? Cause I'd understand. 

I'm sure. Willow said reassuringly, though she was slightly preoccupied. Did she put on too much make-up? Or not enough? Guys liked the natural look right? Oh, she put on too much. Stop fidgeting. 

She pulled up the strap of her dress, wishing for the tenth time that night that she had worn something different. She was trying to hard and the dress was just the first in a long line of things that showed it. Oz didn't seem to notice though, and she wasn't sure whether that was because he was being polite or because he just wasn't very observant. The dress would have looked better on Cordelia, or Buffy, someone with a less gangly figure than Willow's. If Oz liked the dress she was wearing then maybe he should be with a girl who could fit into it. 

Something wrong? 

What?! No, oh, no. Willow smiled nervously and to try and detract attention away from herself pointed at the cinema screen, Say, dancing Raisinettes... 

Oz reached out and gently took her outstretched hand in his. He wove his fingers between hers and gave her hand a quick squeeze. She blushed, but knew that her smile was larger than normal. Their eyes locked and a blush also grew behind Oz's ears, but it was less noticeable. He slowly lower her hand but did not let it go. 

Movie's starting. 

*** 

_Lost infidelity   
We never said a word   
So black and white you see   
It's all the lies we've heard_

Giles flipped over several pages in book he was scanning. He reached the passage he had been searching for and picked up a glass of amber liquid taking a sip from it as he read. 

he confirmed in a whisper. 

There was a soft knock at his door, so soft in fact that the person on the other side might have been knocking for a while and only now had he noticed it. He book-marked the page he had been looking at before standing and opening the door. 

_In my mind nothing makes sense   
I'm nothing you can't have   
Cracked up to disagree   
That's all we've ever had_

Jenny stood in his doorway with a bottle of wine in one hand. She was shifting nervously on her feet but other than that appeared outwardly calm. 

C-Can I come in? 

Giles considered refusing her for a second, but the words would not come. After he had drawn some deep breaths he stood aside and indicated that she could enter. 

_You only you only you can't be the one   
You only you only you can't be the one   
Your secret smile so quaint   
In memories foretold laughing so viciously_

Jenny walked in, finding herself even more nervous now than she had been in the doorway. Giles stared at her expectantly but she said nothing. Finally she offered him the wine bottle feebly but he would not take it. So she just placed it on his desk. He was not sure what she was doing there, but all he felt was hurt. Betrayed. 

Giles reached across and snapped off the radio. 

_Your conscience has been sold   
In my face there's no more joy   
I'm all I should be--_

There, that's better. Now what do you want? 

I thought we could talk. 

Of course. What would you like to talk about? Your lies? Your deceit? 

Rupert, I never meant-- 

If you're going to say that you never meant to hurt me then I will tell you two things. Firstly that you failed, and secondly that you should have known that lying to a person who loves you will undoubtedly cause them pain at some point. 

You love-- 

Giles waved his hand impatiently, a little angry with himself. Both of them took a moment of silence before Giles repeated his first question. 

What are you doing here? 

I came to apologise... 

Of course. 

...for the way that I treated you. And I think if you love me, then you can forgive me. 

It was a bold statement, as if his love was being questioned just as it was born. More anger. But his reply was soft and pleading as he tried to make her understand. 

But don't you see? I don't know _who_ you are. I don't know _who_ I'm in love with anymore. 

_Cracked infidelity   
Is all you are to me   
We don't talk anymore,   
We don't talk anymore,   
We don't talk anymore,   
We don't talk anymore... _

*** 

I'm just saying that we don't need to sneak around if you don't want to... 

Uh huh. 

Cordelia shifted on her father's expensive leather front seat. Xander sat beside her, but they weren't touching each other. Apparently they were here to talk'. When did guys ever want to do that anyway? Xander kept hinting at her to go public with their relationship, but she didn't see the need to. All of _his_ friends knew, and that should be all that mattered to him. Why inflict the rest of the school. 

So you want to tell or should-- 

Geez Xander! Give it a rest already! All your lame friends know about our little tryst so just... drop it. We're alone and together, just kiss me or something. 

I don't know if I'm in the mood anymore. 

Oh please. 

Cordelia leant across and pressed her lips against Xander's, it was a passionate kiss and one of her best performances. She knew how to distract people. 

She knew that she couldn't tell her friends about her and Xander, or explain to Xander why not. She also couldn't explain to him that it was more than a tryst. So she just kissed him. 

She knew how to distract people. 

*** 

What do you mean she's with Angelus--Angel? 

Spike took advantage of the Slayer's considerably relaxed grip to pull away from her and straighten his coat. He glanced around for a way to escape as he answered, 

Exaclty what I said. 

Nothing to do with it. 

Buffy shook herself out of a daze and smartly reminded herself that that thing was not Angel. Not her boyfriend. But she needed to see, what had become of him. She lowered her stake and stared at Spike. She'd do it and then she'd stake him. 

Show me. 

Show you what, Slayer? Spike smirked, and raised an eyebrow. 

Show me, she swallowed, 

(Author's Note: The song used in the Giles/Jenny section is 'Infidelity' by Skunk Anansie)


	6. The Worst Of Both Worlds

The Worst Of Both Worlds

Iago: O beware, my lord, of jealousy;  
It is the green eyed monster which doth mock   
The meat it feeds on.   
Othello' by W. Shakespeare 

Yeah. That's bloody likely. 

I'm not kidding Spike, take me there. 

She was pissed and even though Spike imagined he could easily take her and drink her blood now, anger made Slayer's dangerous. 

Oh, yeah, sure Slayer. I'll take you back to my home and you can kill every one of my friends and then me. I wonder why that idea has never come to me before. Its genius--. 

Shut. Up. Spike. Just take me there. 

In the pauses between her words she closed in on him and as the last syllable left her mouth she rammed him up against a wall. 

Spike's facade may have been uncooperative, but he actually thought about it. If he brought the Slayer back to the mansion then she'd probably try to stake him and Dru straight away, but perhaps if he made a pact with her for their safety in return for directions then he could see that wanker Angelus staked and get Dru back quicker than he would ever have imagined. Of course them him and Dru would take their revenge on the Slayer for poor Daddy's' death. It could work. 

Okay, lets make a deal.. 

I don't make deals with demons, Spike. 

Oh, well I'm sorry. Spike spread out his arms openly, Better get on with the staking then. 

Buffy weighed up the possibilities. She could stake Spike now and get rid of that pain in her ass. But she already knew she could fight and win with Spike. Angelus was bound to be harder to kill, and it would be a plus if she knew where he was. She'd listen, and if she didn't like she'd stake. She'd probably stake anyway. 

Well, Slayer? I'm waiting. 

What's the deal Spike? 

I show you where Soulless-Boy is and you neglect to stake me an' Dru. 

You want me to let you go and slaughter? Buffy asked disbelieving. 

Yes. But elsewhere than Sunnyhell. 

Buffy paused for a moment then looked at Spike expectantly, 

Well, what are you waiting for? Good stakings come to those who wait. 

Spike shook his head and slipped out from in front of her. He hoped that the Slayer was a girl of her word, otherwise he might be in trouble. Though not very much seeing as it would be three strong Vampires against one tiny Slayer. He developed a slightly more jaunty walk and led Buffy to the mansion. 

*** 

Angelus pushed Dru down onto the long wooden table. Roses were wrapped delicately around the chairs that lined the dining table, but neither person paid any heed as they kicked aside furniture. Drusilla chuckled darkly, but like so often Angelus didn't pay attention to what she was saying. 

His hands glided up her sides and the tenderness he showed was an obvious show to anyone but Dru. His mouth descended on hers in a tantalising and passionate kiss, their tongues battling tenderly as hands ripped at each others clothes. 

Outside and peering though a window Buffy and Spike watched the kiss in silence. Both containing rage, jealousy, pain and tears badly. 

*** 

Giles, what's the emergency meeting about? Something important? 

Well, that would be the reason for calling it an emergency'. Is everyone here? 

Still no Buffy. 

Does anyone know where she is. 

Patrolling I should think, she'll be here soon-- 

Hey guys! 

The group-rambling stopped and each person looked up to flash the perky Buffy a grin. Perhaps she was a little too perky, but as long as there was a smile on her face then they weren't going to question her. 

Ah, just in time Buffy, Giles has something life-threatening to tell us. 

Goody, but before that piece of excitement-- 

Buffy it really is quite important-- 

Buffy raised a silencing hand. 

I found out where Angelus is staying. The group was silent and Buffy nodded, Yeah, and Drusilla and Spike are there too.. 

Giles walked forward to put a concerned hand on Buffy's shoulder, somewhere in her last sentence her perkiness had deteriorated into a vain attempt to keep from crying. Buffy shrugged away from his hand and stared around at the group. 

This is happy news, why the long faces? 

Giles still has some bad news to tell us. 

Oh, yes, Giles? 

Giles watched Buffy for a few more moments before turning to the whole group. He removed his glasses, cleaned and replaced them before saying anything, 

I think we may be facing the Apocalypse. 

An end-of-the-world, you-will-all-be-judged Apocalypse? 

That's the one. 

W-what... I mean, how? Willow stuttered. But her question went unanswered as all attention in the room was drawn to Buffy and Giles staring at each other. Their eyes were locked together, as if some unknown transmission was going between the two. Except that Giles's transmitter seemed to be faulty as he was struggling to understand. Buffy finally looked away, 

I thought I'd at least get to be eighteen before I died. Again. 

Buffy... No one is going to die.. 

Isn't that what an Apocalypse is? Everyone dies. God, Giles. I thought I had a future, I killed the Master, crushed his bones... and I was good. Great. Bestest Slayer ever. Doesn't that mean something? I mean... 

Buffy, you're overreacting. 

Buffy eyes were filled with tears that refused to spill down her cheeks, 

Considering this is the end of all humanity I think I'm taking this quite calmly. 

Giles stared at his Slayer, 

Buffy, did something happen with Angel? Uh, Angelus? 

Buffy snapped, No, nothing happened. I found him, I came back to get reinforcements.. I-I thought you guys would want to be in on the kill. she gestured to Xander especially. He didn't like Angel, that would seem believable, right? 

Giles glanced around at the others, he had forgotten they were there, and the placated looks on their faces made him sigh. 

All right, Buffy. But perhaps I was a bit, uh, rash when I said Apocalypse. A possible Apocalypse would have been better phrasing. 

Buffy pulled out a spare chair and sat around the table with the rest of the Scooby gang. She quickly became part of the unit and so as Giles addressed them he did not notice her wiping the tears away on the back of her shirt sleeve. 

Well, you remember the Leopard mauling we were discussing a few days ago..? 

Ah ha! So it was a Leopard! 

Yes, Xander, you were right. Revel in the feeling because-- 

Buffy coughed quietly. 

Well, yes, anyway, it was a Leopard. But not just a Leopard, it was also a Lion and Wolf as well... 

Leopards and Lions and Wolves... Xander began. 

Oh my. Willow finished. They both giggled. 

Yes. Thank you Xander, Willow. 

So, wait, you're saying that there are three wild animals wandering around in the woods? 

Not three just one. The group stared at Giles openly, It seems that the beast had the ability to change its form. 

Shapeshifter? Well, no problem. We go and we slay. 

I'm afraid we can't. The beast is abstract. 

That is to say, that when I was talking about Dante's Divine Comedy the other day, with its allegorical Leopard. I was in fact entirely right. 

The beast, whatever it is, changes form to represent its victims worst traits in an allegorical way. For example Wolf meaning avarice or greed, and Lion meaning pride. But because it is an abstract it cannot be fought against physically, as it does not even really exist. 

So then how can it kill? I mean, I doubt Mr Disembowelled was, well, disembowelled by his remarkable sense of self-worth. 

Feelings. The beast can attack when its prey is emotionally weak. 

And let me guess, it has some feelings mojo thing that makes you emotionally weak? 

Well, I wouldn't call it a mojo', but yes. You see, this abstract beast can see you, all of you. Fears and weaknesses, and it plays on these. 

So this thing is the coming Apocalypse. Sounds a bit... Undermanned, you know? 

Buffy, this being never be hurt or die in any conventional way. It may take some time, but eventually it would wipe our race from this planet. Its an eschatological vision. 

Hmm. We can't fight it physically but can we fight it with, uh, magic? 

Well, I'm not sure if we could find anyone who could wield such power, but yes, there is a dangerous spell we could do that would make the being _real_, and therefore killable. But I have no idea how powerful it would be once made-- 

We'll deal about that when we get to it.. Buffy said authoritatively, but when she caught Giles's look she added, I'm not putting it off, but we need to take one step at a time, you've got to find someone with enough power to do this spell first. 

Willow shifted uncomfortably in her chair, she pulled her hand out of Oz's but when he looked at her she hadn't even noticed. She was watching Buffy and Giles as if she wanted to say something to them, but in the end she decided not to and leant back into her chair. Oz re-grasped her hand without a word. 

Xander eyed the hand-holding going on between Willow and Oz, but knew better than to initiate the same with Cordelia. Unless he wanted to get humiliated again in front of his friends. _Great way to live in fear, Xander_. Instead he just leant over and spoke to her. 

Cordelia, you're being disturbingly quiet. Finally grown a heart and decided to worry about other people? 

Cordelia pointed to Buffy's face, her eyes scrutinising. Buffy blinked at Cordelia, and so she offered an explanation. 

I was just watching that blob of mascara work its way down your cheek. If you're gonna apply at least do it right. Hello! Waterproof! 

Buffy reached up and wiped the mascara off her cheek, leaving a black streaky line. She glared at Cordelia, daring her to say something about it. 

(Author's Note: It being the week the chapters posted will be few and far between. Sorry, it should pick up by the weekend. Another 'Thank You' to all the people who have reviewed so far, it adds a bit of light to a week of work :-) )


	7. Way Too Fast, Or Much Too Slow

Way Too Fast, Or Much Too Slow

_Time slips away   
Inevitable path -   
Returning to dust   
Moment by moment.   
Time slips away   
Nearing eternity   
Moment by moment._   
Moment by Moment' by Beth Maryanne 

Angelus was in no way sated. Of course. But the act itself had been pleasurably magnified by the audience. His ex and Spike staring in through a window at him screwing Dru, well, the looks on their faces would be enough to keep him snapping necks till Christmas. In a good way. The dainty Buffy had left right at the beginning, couldn't expect her to watch such an act, but Spike had watched the whole magnificent show. Stupid kid, as if Drusilla had ever been his. He was just, taking care of her while Angelus was rediscovering his human side. 

Angelus spat against the pavement with disgust, earning some revolted looks from a passing couple of pensioners. He would have killed them, but he was trying to remain incognito. He walked through the busy hordes of people as they milled in and out of shops. Merely metre's ahead of him, though a perfectly placed mass of people obscured them from easy view, was the Slayer and her friends. 

They were milling around the street with no apparent direction. But Angelus could tell they were up to something, as they had brought the Watcher with them. He stood out in the crowd full of teenagers. He wondered if she had told them about what she had seen. If she had cried. If her heart had broken. No, she still loved him. He knew, because he still-- 

*** 

Spike wandered the crowds, blood smeared his tongue, but it tasted bitter. Maybe that last kill had been a little too old, Spike tried to convince himself, but he knew the real reason. Bloody Angelus. But he couldn't blame him. Well, he could blame him, and bash his head in with a pitchfork, but Dru would have strayed eventually. She was always his. 

He slumped down on a park bench, propping one leg up on the space next to him and flung his head back to stare at the non-existent stars. He needed to get out of here, Sunnydale, travel again. Things had always seemed easier when he was on the move, staying in one place long enough to violate and desecrate before starting anew again. But he'd done all of that with Drusilla. 

That wouldn't ever happen again, not even if she begged him to take her back. Who was he kidding, he'd take her back in a heartbeat. Metaphorical of course. 

*** 

-- hated her with a passionate vengeance. She had made him feel, and care, and weep, and he would make her scream and cry and plead because of it. 

The group in front of him broke apart and went their separate ways, the majority wandered into the movie theatre, but the Watcher walked surreptitiously into the magic shop. And the Slayer headed towards the cemetery. 

He stalked after her, figuratively and literally, but always keeping to the shadows. 

*** 

What movie are we seeing anyway? Cordelia asked, clearly bored by the whole cinema-going experience before even entering the theatre. She lowered her voice half-an-octave and continued to Xander, And why do we have to go with them? 

Her comment was not missed by either Willow or Oz, but they just smiled indulgently and pretended they hadn't heard the very loud complaining. Willow really didn't know what Xander saw in Cordelia. Well, other than the superficial stuff, but she thought Xander was better than that. 

We're going to see, uh... 

Black and white re-runs. 

Cordelia and Xander stared at Oz with disbelief, causing Willow to jump quickly to his defence, 

What?! Its cheaper. 

Great. Going to old grainy movies in a theatre with a sticky floor and three geeks who can't even afford to see premieres. I've reached a new level of hell. 

Willow shrieked, outraged. Oz held onto her arm comfortingly and pulled her away to the popcorn stand. 

Look, Cordy, if you don't want to be here, then leave. In fact, if you don't seriously want to be with me, then leave. Sort out what you want and stop pulling all this spoilt bitch crap, because I know you can be better than that. 

Cordelia wanted to answer with another insult, but as she processed everything that Xander had said, all she could manage to do was sigh. She looked into his face, with warm if still a little critical eyes. 

You want to be with me seriously? 

You know I do! Why the hell would I be wanting to tell people otherwise? 

To boast about how you got' Cordelia Chase. Cordelia winced at her bluntness, 

Believe me, Cor, you are no way a trophy girlfriend. Xander thought for a second, You're more than that. he supplied to cover his tracks. 

A smile rippled Cordelia's face and for once, not caring who saw, she pulled Xander into a steamy kiss right in the middle of the cinema lobby. 

Willow watched with envy from across the room, and some icky feelings, but that was to be expected with all the tongue that was being thrust about. Oo, thrust, a bad word. Naughty thoughts.

Oz handed the blushing Willow a large tub of popcorn and with only once glance in Xander and Cordelia's direction, gently guided her further into the cinema. 

*** 

Buffy tagged Giles down the street, carefully staying a step behind him for no other reason than because she could. Sometimes it was nice to just act strangely for the hell of it. 

So, does our new big-ugly have a name? she asked finally. 

What? Oh. Several. 

Well, which one do you think it goes by now? 

I really have no idea. Buffy, must you keep doing that, its very annoying. 

Buffy kept slowing down and hopping in an attempt to keep behind Giles. She sighed as if he had given her a great burden and moved into line with him. 

So, what should I call it? Not that I'm planning on having a conversation and cucumber sandwiches, I just figure I should know its name before I kill it, ya know? 

Not really... Well, you could call it Kake. 

Giles glared at her and Buffy raised her hands, the defensive perkiness obviously needed to be toned down a little. 

Kakeaner. Two separate words placed together, but roughly translating into evil man'. 

Well, I thought it was good. 

You would. Buffy teased, but as the magic shop homed into view she became serious, I think I'll go and patrol, you don't need me for any of this... she waved a hand dismissively at the shop. 

All right, Buffy, but be careful. Angelus is still out there somewhere. 

Uh huh, like the truth. Something tells me he's going to be a bit preoccupied to care about me. Buffy muttered before turning off into a different street as a short-cut to one of Sunnydale's many graveyards. 

*** 

Was he really that stupid? As if he couldn't smell the other Vampire from across town. To think that hiding behind a bush would mask his essence. Since when did Angelus hide anyway? 

Spike remained motionless on the bench, but inside he tracked the other Vampire, lurking in the shadows. He'd probably come to gloat, good for him, this bench was made of wood and would look good around Angelus's neck. 

Suddenly Spike felt the presence move away from him and despite the need for caution he looked up. Angelus was across the street in the Richinfield Cemetery, his back was to Spike and he didn't seem to care whether the blonde Vampire saw him or not. He was not, as Spike had supposed, watching Spike. He was watching his co-viewer. The Slayer. 

How was it that Spike could sense a semi-mad Vampire from blocks away, but he could not sense the Slayer. He was lucky that he didn't have a spike through his heart right now, hell, he might go and ask her to stake him for being so stupid and unobservant. 

She was beating up on some fledgling Vampire, which was stupid because she could probably have killed him with one move. Girl needed to go to an anger management course. But then again the violence did look like fun, and had she not been the Slayer, and had he not been the enemy, he might have joined in. 

Spike pulled himself up off of the bench and walked down the small embankment onto the road. It was quiet and unlikely that any cars would be coming along. He got a better view from here. After ten minutes of her solidly kicking the Vamp's ass, she staked him. The explosion of ashes almost distracted Spike from the other movements in the Cemetery. A few yards away from where the Slayer was standing a Vampire burst from the earth, and closer than that, Angelus begun to walk out from his hiding place. 

The Slayer was watching the new Vampire climb from the ground and struggle with its coffin. He saw her lips move, obviously taunting or something. But Angelus was closing in on her. Spike stared at the scene before him with anticipation, he was going to see a Slayer die. He usually liked that. But when it wasn't him doing the killing? When it was at the hands of Angelus? It would probably really piss him off if.... 

Spike took off at a run towards where Slayer and Master Vampire stood, one oblivious to the other's company. Angelus was closing in on the Slayer, practically a few feet away from her. When he reached the opening to the cemetery he called out, but she didn't respond. Slayer senses his ass. 

he yelled, Slay-er! Bloody hell, Buffy! 

Buffy dusted the Vampire in front of her with easy and spun around at the sound of both her names being called. The Cemetery was dark and empty, except for one bleached pest that she frankly should have dusted earlier, who was rushing towards her. 

(Author's Note: Okay, its 11:30pm, and I've just finished this chapter, so please excuse any mistakes, I'll change them when I can actually open my eyes :-). I promise it'll get better, or rather hope it will. Kind thanks again to my reviewers, yes, I do think of you as my own. In a completely possesive but non-threatening way.)


	8. Asking Not Receiving

Asking Not Receiving

_Now he's in another place and I can't reach him   
And I feel as though I'm guilty of a crime   
I took all he had to give and gave him nothing   
And all it would have taken was some time..._   
Ain't That Just The Way' by Lutricia McNeal 

Buffy waited until he was a few steps away from her before bringing her fist back and smashing it into his jaw. He reeled, apparently unprepared for the strike. Why? He'd been the one attacking her after all. 

Spike's human visage slid back, revealing his Vampire face, and he squared off against her. She didn't give him much of a chance to get ready though, beginning her attack with a vicious volley of punches and kicks. As he tried to block each blow he was driven backwards into a headstone. 

Instead of trying to move, he waited until Buffy threw a hard punch at his face and dodged down wildly. His hands shot out, and with one on her stomach and the other on her shoulder he flipped her over the headstone. Buffy groaned and stood up, rubbing the back of her head. 

God, Spike, WWF much? 

He was about to add a scathing reply, but she launched back into the attack with a kick to his stomach. He doubled over and backed away from her as he forced down the pain. She ran at him and he felt her boot connect with his jaw, breaking it, in a snap-kick. 

A feral grown rose in his throat, but it was a frail warning as she was again advancing on him. Blood slid from a cut in his jaw, the only visible mark of the break she'd inflicted. She landed two punches, one on each side of his head, before he gained control. He danced out of her way and twisted to smack her in the back with a roundhouse kick, she stumbled forward. Before she was able to regain her focus his arm slid around her neck from behind and he pulled her close to him. In a morbidly tender gesture he brushed the golden hair away from her neck. 

And to-- 

Before he could finish he found himself being flipped over her shoulder in one of those self-defence moves, and landing on the ground with unneeded air being knocked out of him. 

The Slayer panted for a few seconds, her eyes never leaving the Vampire in case he decided to run. But he seemed immobile, staring up at her silently. Which was new look for him. At some point between the kicking and the punching, his human mask had fluttered back on again. If he thought he was getting out of a good staking with that, then he was mistaken. She glared at him to show her resolve and he glared straight back. 

A faint clapping met both of their ears at the same time and a second Vampire walked out from the shadow of a tall tree like a villain in a bad movie. Angelus had watched the whole fight with curiosity and anger mingled together in inactivity. He was sure that the Slayer would best Spike eventually, and he had intended on watching the whole show. But he wasn't much of a pacifist, when there was violence going on he liked to be the one causing it. 

Buffy's eyes widened at the sight of Angel. Angelus. Spike sat up and his eyes narrowed angrily as he spotted the older Vampire. Buffy, after taking a deep gathering breath, quipped, 

Come to participate in the stakage, I've got a point with your name on it. 

Both Spike and Angelus stared at the Slayer for a moment, but chose to ignore her garbled joke. Spike quickly leapt to his feet and moved to a safe distance away from Vampire and Slayer. 

Suddenly Buffy was feeling very young, and tired, and scared. Perspiration dribbled down her back and stuck her hair to her face unattractively. 

We not playing at being sweethearts anymore? Angelus asked, trying too hard to inject some sentiment into the question and causing it to become overly patronising. 

We were never sweethearts Buffy spat, What you are now. The thing you are. You are not my boyfriend. 

Well, isn't that just going to keep me up crying at nights. Angelus deadpanned, Good thing I sleep during the day. His gaze slid over to Spike, Or do other things. he added. 

Buffy's eyes darted from Angelus to Spike, one-on-one she could probably take either, but together... 

Hey, if you want to go at him, go at him. I won't stop you. Spike chipped in conversationally. His night had been getting steadily worse, but now it seemed as if it was going to have a surprise ending. 

Buffy eyed Spike, wondering if he thought that she was totally stupid, Excuse me? I'm the only one here who isn't brain dead, literally, and you expect me to fall for that?! 

Oh. He won't help. Angelus said smoothly. Though he seemed calm he glared at Spike with every word that he said, You say you're not brain dead, but there must be a problem with your memory... 

Why do you-- 

Repressed it already have you? Such a nasty sight, your boyfriend curled up with some unholy-ho-- 

Spike's fist smashed into Angelus's face, causing the older Vampire's head to snap back. Though it was probably one of Spike's heavier blows, it was full of rage and little planning, and so had not connected properly, for optimum affect. 

Just because I won't help you doesn't mean I won't help _her_. Spike growled before landing another punch in Angelus's midriff. 

Buffy stared at the two Vampire's. How was Spike pummelling Angelus going to help Drusilla? Because that had to be the _her_' he was talking about. She walked back a few steps, then advanced one. She wasn't sure whether to run and leave them to it, or stake them both and get it over with. Could she really stake Angel? Even if he was no longer in there, could she really destroy his body? 

Spike was snarling curses as he punched at Angelus, he knew it was only a matter of time before the more experienced Vampire straightened and beat the crap out of him. But while he had the advantage he was going to use it to the extreme. 

Angelus, doubled over, felt another punch to the small of his back. He snapped up, canines showing and growled. His first lash out at Spike dislodged the already broken jaw, causing blood to seep further from the younger Vampire's mouth. His second was blocked, and he began to wish that he had studied Spike's development in skill since the last time he had seen him fight. 

Nice to see you out of your chair, Spike, giving your legs a good stretching. Angelus growled before aiming a breaking kick to the back of Spike's left knee. Spike fell to a crouching position for a second of pain before he swung an uppercut at Angelus's jaw. 

Well, you miss things sitting down all day. Spike brought his hands together at the back of Angelus's head and the larger Vampire fell to the ground. Spike sprung to his feet, ready for the next attack and nursing his injuries. 

Well, you know that any_thing_ that missed you I took care of. 

Angelus flipped to his feet just in time to block another punch from Spike. But he missed the kick to his side that allowed Spike to move around behind him and mimic the move he had used on Buffy moments before. Reminded of the familiar hold his gaze darted up to the Slayer who was still lingering a few yards away. In a moment of desperation as he felt his grip slipping, he snarled, 

Help me. 

The Slayer, Buffy, looked at the desperate Vampire's face. A line she'd read it some book, or maybe seen in a movie somewhere popped into her head. United in Hatred. The stake was still gripped in her hand from earlier, and as she watched the two Vampires struggle she tried to come to a decision. Help or leave. 

Spike spluttered through the blood that was welling up in his mouth, 

Buffy took a step forward, stake raised. 

Angelus escaped from the smaller Vampire's grip and smashed his face with two quick blows. He twisted on the spot to eye the Slayer and growled a clichéd line, 

Its not over. before taking off into the shadows. 

Buffy, her resolve causing her to move further forward, stepped towards the prone form of Spike. He was gripping his jaw with one hand and his nose with the other, blood splashed all over his face and the ground below. Apart from his jaw and nose, there was a nasty gash by his right eye that wept red tears down his face. He saw the Slayer approaching moments before she reached him. 

Oh bloody-- 

She rammed him up against a convenient tree, hand grasping at his bloodied shirt and stake raised. She thrust the point forward but stopped before it touched him, he didn't flinch. Raising the stake again she stared at him. 

Spike felt her grip on him lessen, and then become non-existent. She backed away, then turned and stalked off, shooting him a couple of glances over her shoulder. When she reached the cemetery gate she took off at a run. 

What the hell..? was all Spike could manage to say before bloodloss and confusion dizzied him into unconsciousness, not caring that the sun would soon rise. 

(Author's Note: Ahhh, another chapter done. Sorry for the long wait, but I'm studying a book about someone stealing a lock of hair. Hard study required. I'll try for a couple more over the weekend, perhaps more. Thank you for the reviews. I'll put your e-mails into a randomiser and pick out one who will recieve £100. If you haven't gotten money yet, sorry, wasn't you. Disclaimer - there really was no money, Jaymi used it to pay for her Spikebot, appologies Geeze, I just keep talking don't I? Sorry if the dialogue was a bit crappy in this chapter. I'll shut up now.)


	9. Caterpillars and Butterflies

Caterpillars and Butterflies

_I hate myself for loving you   
Can't break free from the things that you do   
I wanna walk but I run back to you that's why   
I hate myself for loving you_   
I Hate Myself For Loving You' by Joan Jett 

Giles stood by the door and stared at the room number, then down at the piece of paper he held. They matched. Hesitantly he knocked with his free hand, the other clutching a bag of magic supplies. 

A stunned looking woman opened the door and stared at him. Her black hair hung around her face perfectly, and her dark eyes widened. 

She continued to stare, no sign of her hearing him registered on her face. He looked at her imploringly for a second before becoming concerned, 

She stepped back in silence, revealing a plush hotel bed behind her. On the bed, slumped with his blood soaking into the cream sheets was a tall balding elderly man. Scrawled on the wall above the bedposts in rusty drying blood was; **_ITS NOT OVER_**. 

*** 

Buffy quickly broke down to just walking again. But she was furious with herself. Why the hell had she not staked Spike, or both of them. Standing around watching like some swooning Belle as gentlemen slapped gloves for her honour. Pathetic. 

She marched through the streets, stake still clutched in her hand. The few people who were out so early dodged out of her way for fear of coming into contact with the obvious psychopath with a large splinter. 

She should just go back and stake him now, that would settle things. But the problem was that she didn't know why she hadn't dusted him in the first place. He'd been all ready to chow down on her blood a few moments before and yet she still hadn't killed him. What was wrong with her? 

For some reason she was more angry with herself for not staking Angelus, than Spike. She didn't know why but it wasn't a really good time to analyse the mysteries of Buffy's brain. Her head must just be overloaded with recent events. 

The image of Angel and Drusilla coiled together haunted her, and made her stomach roll several times. Sure it wasn't really Angel, but it was becoming increasingly hard to tell the difference between the two. If Angelus remembered everything Angel had done, shouldn't he feel as responsible as Angel had for Angelus's actions? What separated them? 

If she hadn't been walking down an open populated street then she would have slapped herself. Angel had a soul. Angelus didn't. Soulless things had no conscience, and would do bad things. They should be killed. Buffy found her mind wandering to the very beaten-up Spike who she had let go. 

The Slayer's jaw set with resolve and she turned on her heel, stake raised in front of her. She made her way back to the graveyard, hoping that he was still there. 

*** 

Who was he? 

Jenny's eyes flicked from Giles to the bloodstained bed before returning to her coffee. 

My uncle. 

The drink was unappetising, but Giles had insisted upon her having some. The heat seeped through the mug she was holding painfully, and that at least she was glad of. 

Do-Do you know who did this? 

Jenny lifted her head, hair tumbling back onto her shoulders. She stared at Giles for a moment before answering. 

Isn't it obvious? she questioned, It was Angelus. her eyes darted back to the blood-painted message on the wall, He doesn't like my family. 

Giles breathed, feeling numbing rage suffusing his body. Who else, really? Jenny looked back down at her coffee before she spoke again. 

Rupert? What-- 

Jenny. I came to apologise. Giles stated, the words that he had been dreading saying now just tumbled from his mouth, For everything that I said to you. When I said that I didn't know you, that was true. But it doesn't mean that I don't want to.... He sighed, I came to say that I.. I forgive you. It sounded even lamer than it had in his head. 

Jenny leant against him slightly. She knew that it had probably been a huge step for him to come and say that. But she was just too preoccupied to deal with it right now. So she just took comfort in his still form and rested her head upon his shoulder. To his credit he didn't try anything. But had she really expected him to? 

What do we do now? she asked quietly. 

Rupert replied, We kill him. 

*** 

She didn't see him at first. Why would she? She'd been searching for a shadow-hugging bleached Vampire, not an unconscious bloodied one. She'd forgotten just how thrashed he had been. 

The Vampire was slumped at the protruding roots of a large tree. He was lying in an uncomfortable position, and blood still wept from his injuries. Weren't Vampires meant to heal quickly? What is this, Buffy, twenty questions, just get it over with. 

She walked forward, vaguely aware that the sky was lightening above her and that the grass was already collecting dew. Buffy knelt down before the Vampire, Spike, and rolled him over so that she had better access to his chest. For staking. Hmm. 

He didn't ever stir, which was disappointing. She was just in the mood to kick his ass a bit more before she dusted him. As she raised the stake she felt her stomach roll again. Tears collected in her eyes as her hand descended. But it was only in a weak gesture as it returned to her side, stakeless. 

She didn't understand, and the tears leaked from her eyes. It wasn't the incomprehension of Math class, or Giles's lectures, it was true conflict of... everything. She was the Slayer. She killed Vampires. She was Buffy. She was attracted to Vampires. Or rather, a Vampire. More tears fell from her eyes and a soft laugh escaped her lips. She wasn't attracted to Spike, so why couldn't she dust him and move on. It was all so confusing. 

Buffy pressed two hands to the Vampire's still chest and felt his heart-not-beat. See. Dead. But the combination of human features and clothing stalled her again and more saltwater dropped from her eyes. Suddenly she wasn't crying for herself, or for Spike, but for Angel. He was gone forever, and she loved him so much. 

Would she ever be able to let go? Or stake a Vampire without it having his face. She couldn't help but keep questioning herself, she just wanted to make sense of it all. 

Without analysing it too much she pulled Spike up into a sitting position. Then, pulling his arm around her shoulders she hauled him to his feet. Still unconscious and strangely heavy Spike hung in her arms, his head lolling to one side. It was a good thing she had Slayer-strength. 

Buffy dragged him though the Cemetery, well-aware that they were leaving long tracks in the wet grass behind them. She didn't look at him as she pulled him across the ground, simply staring around for a suitable sun-proof place to drop him off. 

A crypt swung into view and she sighed with relief. And it was open as well, wasn't this just her lucky night. Buffy rolled her eyes skywards for a second before making her way towards the open doorway. The sky was turning an attractive shade of blue-grey, and birds were beginning to sing out the dawn chorus. 

Though she was tempted just to drop him just inside the door and rush home before mom noticed she was gone, she pulled him all the way inside and hauled him up onto a convenient sarcophagus. 

She was about to go, but the look of him slouched in an ungainly way on the stone made her sigh. Buffy walked closer and in a businesslike way positioned his limbs for proper comfort. Once he was lying on his back she paused just to look at him. It wasn't too late, she could still stake him now. Curse herself for dragging him halfway across Sunnydale, but be rid of one Vampire. She glanced around for her stake only to find it no longer on her person. She leant over Spike and checked to see if it had fallen into pocket in his clothes or something. The Vampire's eyes opened. 

he questioned vulnerably as she moved closer to him. Their eyes locked, blue and hazel. Her face was just inches from his. How had that happened?

At first it was just a quick brush, but then their lips touched solidly. She curled one hand over his shoulder as his arm snaked up to hold the back of her head in place. Their lips pulled apart for the briefest of seconds before meeting again. His lips parted and his tongue flicked out against her lower lip tantalisingly. She opened her mouth and invited his tongue inside. He pushed past her lips gently and engaged with her tongue in a soft battle within both of their mouths. His fingers were curling around her hair and hers were stroking his chest absently. The kiss seemed to last forever, drawn out sweetly as their bodies responded to each other. 

As their lips pulled apart once more they both stared at one another. It took a moment for the fuzzy haze to lift before Buffy brought a hand to her mouth. 

Oh God. 

She turned and fled and Spike was left wondering, once again, what the hell was going on. 

(Author's Note: I'm sorry for the lack of action in this chapter.)


	10. Eumenides

Eumenides

_Isn't anyone trying to find me?   
Won't somebody come take me home   
It's a damn cold night   
Trying to figure out this life   
Wont you take me by the hand   
Take me somewhere new   
I don't know who you are   
but I... I'm with you   
I'm with you_   
I'm With You' by Avril Lavigne 

Angelus paced angrily around his room. He could smell him on her. _Smell_ him. How many washes would Drusilla have to take before she stopped smelling of that runt Spike. 

He knew that he was not really angry at Dru. Well, no angrier than normal. Her scent was not something that he usually cared of, she could smell of garbage and he'd still snuggle up to her for something to do. Snuggle? He felt his stomach heave. He really needed to kill someone else before he started having _feelings_. 

The uncle's blood was still fresh in his nostrils, but so was his own as he had been inflicted with a rare injury when the old man had been struggling. Heh, but he liked pain. Long drawn-out sticky pain. 

he called loudly, knowing that she would hear him and imagining her uncurling like a kitten after a nap. She stepped into the room at that moment and breathed softly, 

He held out his hands and she reached forward taking them. She dug her nails into his palms just as he liked and he growled softly pulling her into a violent embrace. She pressed herself up against him and he almost shrugged as his mouth descended on hers. What the hell, he had a few hours to kill. 

*** 

Rupert! I don't think this is a good idea. 

Giles straightened momentarily, making an inventory of the weapons he had collected. His posture was tense and his glasses were placed on the table in front of him after loosing their use as a polish-able stress reliever. 

I don't expect you to come along Jenny, in fact I would prefer if you didn't. 

Jenny walked around to face him, she placed her hands of his and looked up imploringly into his face, 

Rupert, just think about this. Besides the fact that a fight would be safer with the Slayer, Buffy has a right to know what you are attempting to do.. 

She'll understand. He said, her eyes never capturing his as they darted around for more holy water. 

I don't think-- 

She is my Slayer. He is a dangerous Vampire. She'll understand. 

Jenny pulled back her hands and allowed Giles to keep packing the small bag. She ran a hand through her hair before changing tact's. 

Well, how will you know where he is? 

Buffy told me. 

She what--? 

She found where he is staying and she told me. 

She didn't go and stake him first? Doesn't that show you that she is not ready-- 

Jenny, as her Watcher I will sometimes have to do jobs that she should not have to do. That could easily have been you covered in blood tonight. I'm not going to wait for that to happen. 

I'm just afraid I guess. 

Giles smiled weakly, but still his eyes did not meet hers. His hand were still busy fumbling with the bag and dragging a couple of haphazard times though his hair, 

Well, after I've killed him, you won't have to be. 

I'm afraid of you getting hurt. 

Giles held out a hand to Jenny and she crept into his embrace, resting up against his chest and settling her head just under his chin. He kissed the top of her head softly, 

I might not be a Slayer but I do know how it all works... I'll be fine. 

Jenny found herself being gently removed from his arms as he slung the bag over his shoulder. He replaced his glasses and sent a quick glance around his office before saying, 

Now stay here until I come back. then as an afterthought, Perhaps you should lock the office door. 

Without letting her answer he pulled the door closed and she heard the click of the lock. With a melodramatic sigh she settled herself down in a not-so-comfortable chair and wondered what she was supposed to do in the computer-less room while her boyfriend got killed. 

*** 

Buffy scaled the tree outside her window with no problem at all. She'd been doing it every night since she'd got to Sunnydale so her feet and hands automatically found the right handholds. Which was good because her eyes were threatening to blur over with tears again. How come, when she's a big mystical warrior, she cries so much? 

She pushed one leg through her open window and then scrambled in. If she was lucky she could get a couple of hours sleep in before school. Her room, shrouded in early-morning light, looked uncomfortable to sleep in. You'd think if the Powers appreciated her work that much then they'd make her like Santa. Endless nights, not male and bearded with a strange fetish for milk. 

If you like the dark you should have just stayed in the crypt. she hissed nastily to herself as she pulled back the covers of her bed. 

The job she'd done of repressing the crypt and all that had happened there crumbled and a scowl drew her brows together. It was their fault, she thought flippantly. All of them. Men. If her father hadn't left her in the beginning... And then Angel.... She wouldn't have been so needy as to _kiss_ Spike. The thought made her stomach twitch compulsively. 

It wasn't that the kiss was bad. Mental slap. It was _B A D_. But she couldn't blame the peroxide-wonder for his involvement in it. Except for reciprocating. What was that about? Didn't he want to kill her? 

Buffy pulled off her boots and socks, engaging in the menial task so that she did not have to think for a moment, especially along the path she had been travelling. She shrugged off her jeans and hauled the skin-tight top over her head, leaving the clothes in a pile beside her bed. It wasn't as if she was normally clean-girl anyway. 

Clad only in her underwear she slid into bed and pulled the covers up over her shoulders. The bed was comfortable, and relaxing, but she couldn't feel even the slightest pull of sleep past her eyelids. Usually when she was trying to drift off she'd think bout something or someone with the hope that the thought would then carry on into her dreams with more unexpected consequences. But the things on her mind now she really did not want to dream about. 

It had had nothing to do with Spike. If Xander had been lying there she'd probably have kissed him as well. Which was the best argument she'd heard for kissing Spike that she knew. At least kissing him didn't make things complicated. _Yeah, right_. Who exactly would he tell? And who'd believe him? That's it Buffy, repress it. 

She curled up glumly beneath the covers, desperately trying not to dwell on _that_ moment as her eyes closed. 

*** 

Spike walked though the events of that night in his head. One, Angelus and Dru. Two, fight with Slayer. Three, fight with Angelus. Four, kiss with Slayer?! That was the one that he was having the most problem believing. Had he hit his head when he passed out? Perhaps his blood stained face had reminded her of Angelus. No. She'd kissed _him_. 

The idea was... Well... Revolting. Of course it was revolting, how could it be anything else. She was the Slayer and he was a Vampire. But then why had she saved him? _She didn't try to save you from Angelus though_. 

_Ah_, a nasty voice said, _but she was about to_. 

Was it even possible for the Slayer to be attracted to a Vampire? Of course, Angelus. But... Well, Spike was more naturally handsome, she'd obviously just decided to upgrade. 

Spike bit his lower lip in confusion. His jaw was already mostly healed, as was his nose and the cut above his eye that had proved to be an orbital fracture. It would take a couple more days before he returned to his naturally' handsome self. 

He played over that last event in his head, even if it was disgusting. His eyes had opened, and his vision blurry he had seen a face close to his, she had swum into clarity and... Then she'd ran away! For the third time in the last couple of days. For someone who was supposed to be killing him she wasn't doing a very good job. 

Then again, wasn't he supposed to be killing her? That was the preferred option. But he had tried! If Angelus hadn't appeared then he'd be on a blood-high and she'd be just another dead body to in Sunnydale. 

Maybe she was just trying to lull him into a false sense of security. Always almost staking him but never doing it. Saving his life. Kissing him. Seemed like a pretty elaborate mind-game to him. Why not just get it over with? Had she been taking lessons from Angelus? 

He sat up on the sarcophagus and glanced around at the floor for an exit. The Slayer was having the last laugh as it seemed that he was trapped inside this crypt thinking of her until the sun set again. Was that what she wanted? Bitch. 

*** 

It hadn't been hard for Giles to find the mansion, dark curtains fitted in the windows and apparently no tenants was enough to have him sneaking around the back-way to look for an entrance. Preferably a door that he could pick the lock of. 

Soon enough he found one and began forcing a small strip of metal into the mechanisms. The handle twisted and the door swung inwards revealing Drusilla in all her red-and-black rose-and-thorn lace, standing a few steps away from the doorway where the morning-light graced the doorstep. She looked down at him with genuine curiosity, her head tilted to one side, 

Vampire's don't lock doors.. a grin curved her lips, Unless someone's on the inside. 

Giles stared up at her, frozen to the spot and mute. She reached out, her bare arm smoking at the brief contact with the sun, and fixed her grip around his shoulder. At the last moment he thought to pull back but she was much stronger, and instead he found himself being dragged inside the mansion with careless violence. 

Almost as an afterthought Drusilla turned and closed the door, flicking a latch closed. Her humour made Giles's mouth dry and he weakly tried to escape once more. 

Nu uh, bad Librarian. Trying to leave when the party's only just started. Don't you want to see your friends? 

Let me go. Giles growled, realising too late that he had left his bag-of-weapons outside. He felt a small stake pressing against his chest pocket, but other than that he was unarmed. Drusilla, strangely lucid, shook her head and pushed Giles out in front of her as they walked the corridors of the mansion. 

Giles at first thought about memorising the passages they took, but as ten became twenty and left-right-left became more than that he gave up. Finally he found himself in a comfortable looking room, red wall hangings and padded chairs. At the opposite side of the room, sitting on one such chair with his back to Giles, was the unmistakable form of Angelus. 

Giles strained forward in Drusilla's grip, but did not move a step closer than she wanted him to. Angelus spoke with his back to them still, his familiar voice still full of taunting and sarcasm though. 

Ah. Rupert. Glad you could turn up. Something told me that you would. 

He turned the chair around smoothly. Clutched within his arms was a bound and gagged woman. 

Or someone. he smirked. 

Giles called, his eyes widening to an impossibly large size. He weighted his possiblities and came up with only one idea that might work. 

Let her go. Take me instead. 

Oh, now, really Rupert. Its nice that you're so chivalrous, but you don't even know what I want her for yet... 

Angelus stood, taking Jenny with him. She stood weakly on her feet and a large bruise surrounded one of her eyes. One of the Vampire's hands roamed freely and perversely down her front and her eyes flickered shut to accompany the grimace on her face. 

It might be a purpose that a man couldn't fulfil... 

Giles couldn't think of a strong enough word to shout at Angelus, so a long stream of below-par ones exited his mouth. Disgust and anger plain on his face. 

Now, really Rupert, is that any way to speak when we're in the presence of ladies.. 

Angelus's eye darted to Dru, 

Or at least, one lady. 

He tiled back Jenny's head, hair falling away from her neck. As he hooked one thumb under the gag and removed it from her mouth, his canines descended on her neck. He liked the screams. 

No, no, no, no. NO! 

Giles's cries were just background noise to the sound of her screams as the blood was drawn out of her neck. Her eyes rolled back in her head and her body convulsed spasmodically. Slowly she became limp. Then lifeless. 

Angelus dropped the body of the dead teacher to the ground and ran a finger around his mouth to catch any missed drops of blood. He watched the distraught Librarian analytically for a few moments before speaking. 

Don't feel so badly about leaving her alone, Rupert, she was next on my To Kill' list anyway. Do you know that she was looking for a way to make me all soul happy again? Heh.. the things they teach in school these days... 

Giles's gaze dragged off of Jenny and he stared at Angelus blankly for a few moments. Then in one swift movement he pulled the stake out of his pocket and charged towards the Vampire. 

YOU'RE GOING TO DIE! YOU BASTARD! YOU'RE GOING TO DIE! 

A few steps away from the immobile Angelus he was tackled to the floor by Drusilla and pinned to the ground. The stake rolled out of his grip and he was left panting and helpless. Angelus knelt down and stared at him. 

Now, I really don't want to kill you Rupert... he smirked, Well, not yet. But another outburst like that and you're going to have to be punished... 

Angelus straightened up and nodded to Drusilla. The mad Vampire mistress pulled Giles up to his feet and a few steps back for good measure. 

I could kill you Rupert, Angelus's voice was silky and almost friendly, I could torture and defile your body for days until you begged for death, and then I could do it all over again. But, he indicated an open door, That passage leads straight outside, when Drusilla lets you go you have a choice. I believe men should be masters of their own destinies. No fun otherwise. When she lets you go, you can run towards me and prolonged dead, or you can run towards safety and the Slayer. You get to choose. 

Giles felt Drusilla's grip loosen and then disappear and he was left with that choice. His heart told him to attack, and his head, filled with fear, told him to run. Angelus, seeing the conflict on the Librarians face growled, 

Do you want to _die_ Rupert? 

You're the one who's going to die. Giles snarled back, but instead of his legs taking him forward, he found himself turning and running into the passage. He was surprised to see that Angelus had been telling the truth and that the passage really did lead to freedom. But... 

Giles had run, and fear and shame crippled every step that he took away from the them. 

(Author's Note: Thank you everyone who has reviewed so far, I'm glad you're enjoying it. This extra-long violence-ending chapter is just for you :-) I'll try for at least one more chapter today, I'm visiting my grandmother but all she ever talks about is peppermints and Alan Titchmarsh so I should be able to take a pen, paper and my 'I'm-listening' face and write another chapter.)


	11. Cocoon

Cocoon

_We die,   
Welcoming Bluebeards to our darkening closets,   
Stranglers to our outstretched necks,   
Stranglers, who neither care nor   
care to know that   
DEATH IS INTERNAL._   
The Detatched' by Maya Angelou 

Buffy pulled the bedcover up over her head for a few moments to drown out the sound of her mother calling. She was sure it wasn't time to get up yet, her mom was probably just being pre-emptive or something. 

Buffy! If you're not down in five minutes you can walk to school! 

Buffy groaned and unenthusiastically leapt from bed. Great. Not only did she get an hours sleep, she also got to wear old clothes and smell of sweat for the whole day. She hoped there hadn't been homework. 

She'd barely managed to make it over to her wardrobe and extract an outfit before her mother was pounding on the door. 

I'm coming mom! 

I am! 

Buffy pulled on a pair of black jeans impatiently, struggling with one leg then the other and very nearly falling over. Succinct. She then picked up the top she had chosen, black, strappy and loose, showing off her shoulders. Pity she didn't spent much time in the sun otherwise it'd be great to show off her tan in. 

As she wrestled a pair of boots on her mother pushed open the door and walked in. Why did parents always think they could do that? Walk straight into their kids rooms. She could have been naked, or snuggly with some guy, both states that she did not want her mother to walk in on. 

Oh, honey.. her mother said as she glanced around the untidy room, then at Buffy's similarly untidy hair. Buffy reached up and grimaced, she quickly grabbed a band from her night stand and tied her hair up in a ponytail. She stood, 

Right. Ready to go mom. 

Her mom glanced around the room once more, wondering whether to say anything, but deciding against it until Buffy got home that night. She honestly didn't understand teenagers, they got everything for free, didn't have to work, and slept for eight hours with no responsibilities, and yet still made it out to be the worst chore in the world. 

She sighed before guiding her daughter downstairs, Okay Buffy.. 

*** 

Willow lay on her bed, staring up at her ceiling with what she would guess to be a goofy grin on her face. Last night had been _the_ night. Not the _the_ night. But, suffice to say she was no longer a kiss-virgin. 

The kiss wasn't a big deal in itself. Sure it had been nice and made her lips all tingly, though that might have been the week-old popcorn, but it was the whole implication of it that was making her grin. 

She had grown up, she was a normal girl with her guitarist boyfriend, who didn't think she was repulsive and kissed her. Well, technically it was only one kiss, but it spoke of others to come, right? Unless he had just been using her for practice? No, Oz would _not_ do that. Besides he'd probably kissed lots of girls. 

Uh, bad thought Willow. But still, it was something that she should rush to school and tell Buffy about. Then why was she just lying here staring at the ceiling? School could wait a few more minutes. Sometimes it was just nice to dwell on the moments in your life. 

Heh, says the seventeen year old.. Willow chuckled and sat up. Yeah, school. 

*** 

Whoa, Buffy, what's with the black-on-black look? 

Buffy paused in the corridor and Cordelia caught up with her, balancing an armful of books. It was lunch but Cordy was the first semi-friend that she'd seen all day. She eyed the other girls short leather skirt and swooping neckline, her eyebrows raising. 

Heading for a Scooby meeting too? Cordelia questioned, before nodding, Me too. But seriously what is with the look? Someone die or are you just trying to blend in with your Vampire pals? 

Buffy glanced down at her outfit and felt the bile rise in her throat. Trying to blend in with _her_ Vampire-- Ugh. 

Uh, its just a thing Cordelia, no need to go all obsessive-compulsive over everyone else's clothes as well as yours. 

Cordelia raised her hands defensively and marched ahead of Buffy into the Library. Xander and Oz were already sitting around the table, with Willow giggling in Oz's lap. Cordelia walked over and sat next to Xander possessively, grabbing his hand and whispering in his ear waspishly. Books were strewn around, a lot of them open, but nothing important jumped out at Buffy as she sat down. 

Where's Giles? 

Willow pointed dumbly, her smile suddenly fading. Buffy turned around and glanced in the direction of Giles's office. He was sitting at his desk, staring into space. A newspaper was clutched between his fingers, but it looked almost ready to fall to the floor. She rose slowly from her chair and walked over to the closed door, adding a tentative knock to the silence that had suddenly descended. 

Giles blinked twice in quick succession before looking up at the direction of the noise. When he spotted Buffy his face visibly paled, but he pushed back his chair and stood up. 

Yes, what do you want? 

Uh, Giles.. Buffy waved around at the rest of the group, We've got this new evil to fight... 

Giles stared at the other teenagers before his gaze darkened, his eyes snapped back to Buffy, 

I think we should deal with Angelus first.. 

What? But Giles, yesterday-- 

Forget yesterday.. Giles winced and his expression became even more fixed, Killing Angelus is our priority. 

Wait, Giles, this new guy seems to be more dangerous than Angelus. I mean, as far as we know Angelus hasn't even killed anyone yet... and this cake-guy has. 

With the mention of death Giles exhaled and did not seem to take another breath at all. The group leant forward worriedly as they watched the Librarian sway on his feet. Finally after an internal battle Giles sucked in a lung-full of air, 

Buffy turned to the group, We've got the supplies to do this spell, but do we have anyone to cast it...? 

The group stared at her blankly until Willow raised a shaky hand, everyone stared at her except for Oz who just held her other hand tightly. 

Well, I was thinking than, uh, Jenny could cast it... Or find someone to cast it for us... she glanced at Buffy before continuing quickly, I know she isn't our favourite person at the moment.. But if its all for the cause of good... her voice trailed off. 

Buffy swallowed and thought about it. She seemed to do most of her thinking in school about things other than school. In fact she didn't think about school when she wasn't there either. She was a bad student. Huh. 

Inviting Jenny back into the group wasn't really something that she was ready to do. As far as she was concerned the computer teacher had lied, causing Buffy to loose her boyfriend. 

But hadn't she also done Buffy a favour, giving her the chance to find out who, or what, Angel really was. 

No, she wasn't mature enough to think of it like that yet. It still hurt. Or didn't hurt, it was an emptiness in her stomach that wouldn't go away. It was like she'd never get over Angel. 

_His lips pressed into hers, they were warm, which was surprising. It was tender and needing and as their tongues touched she felt a little peace, and a little relief from the stress and tension that had built up over the last few days. His fingers caught up in her hair were comforting, and the feeling of his body beneath her--_

Uh, Buffy? 

Buffy jumped and immediately felt a mortifying blush rise up to her cheeks. What the hell had possessed her to think about _that_ kiss. Was it just going to pop into her mind at inappropriate points until she went mad with guilt and anger. Probably, and it was her own fault for kissing him. Spike. Ugh. As you reap so shall you sow, or something like that. 

Um, yeah, Will, that's a great idea. Giles? 

Giles had been growing steadily paler with every word spoken, when Buffy engaged him he stared around the group as if he wanted to tell them something. As if it was tearing him up inside. But instead.. 

I-I'm sorry.. he murmured before turning and rushing out of the Library. 

What was that about? Xander questioned. 

Buffy stared after Giles, worry creasing her features. 

Should we go after him? Willow asked. 

Where would he go? I mean... He lives in the Library... 

I think we should leave him... He obviously has something going on... But it might not be any of our business... 

Grown-up stuff? 

Yeah, Will.. 

Xander shook his head with disbelief and stood up, his hand still fixed in Cordelia's. 

I can't believe you're not going to follow him, he's a friend. Not just a 

Its not just that Xander, its-- 

Whatever. I'm going to see what's wrong... 

Xander pushed past Buffy and stalked out of the door, Cordelia following closely behind him, speaking in a low voice. Buffy looked over at Willow and Oz imploringly, only to see Oz get up and follow the rest of the group. 

I told him to do that. Willow explained, He might be good with the man-stuff... Plus I wanted to talk to you.. 

A wide smile broke Willow's face and she beckoned Buffy over to sit with her. Buffy moved in and sat down, crossing her legs in her chair and hardly managing to keep her worried face on for long in the wake of Willow's smile. 

What's the news Will? 

Willow leant back from the shocked look on Buffy's face and explained quickly, 

Willow and Oz type kisses. Or a kiss, anyway.. 

Oh... That's great Will... 

Willow's eyes widened as she watched Buffy. She'd known her for over a year and knew, most of the time, when there was something else going on. She'd seen Buffy at her worst and at her best, and she loved her like only a best friend could. She was hiding something. It couldn't be that bad or she wouldn't have been able to walk around looking so happy... But it was something. 

Buffy... What is it? 

You're hiding something....You went all flustered when I mentioned kisses. Ohh! Is there a new man? Some lip-locking action? Buffy..? 

Buffy stared at her boots hard. Could she really tell Willow about it? She'd probably be shocked, but she wouldn't tell anyone, maybe she'd understand. She felt her eyes welling up with tears. Well done, Buffy, crying again, like that'll change anything. 

Will.. I've done something bad... 

I.... Uh, I don't even know how to say it without throwing up... Last night I kissed, uh, I kissed Spike. 

Silence. 

(Author's Note: I am aware of how crappy this chapter is, but please don't think I'm saying that because I want to guilt you into reviewing. It really is crappy. For those who have reviewed, another big thank you.)


	12. Retrograde

Retrograde

_We pray,   
Savouring sweet the teethed lies,   
Bellying the grounds before alien gods   
Gods, who neither know nor   
wish to know that   
HELL IS INTERNAL._   
The Detached' by Maya Angelou 

I kissed Spike. 

You kissed Spike! 

Shh... Will, yes... I kissed Spike. 

That's what I thought you said... You mean... Buffy lips and Spike lips and... she made a coming-together motion with her hands and Buffy nodded glumly. 

But Buffy... I mean... He's not like Angel.. was, he's not good.... Why did you... 

I don't know Will... And its confusing... Its not like I have any warm-fuzzies for him or anything.... But it just happened. 

No warm-fuzzies, that's good. Willow sighed, Maybe, I dunno, you were feeling all alone and his lips were just... there. 

That's what I keep telling myself. 

Wow... this makes my kissing story pale in comparison... 

He didn't, you know... I mean, he didn't think it was anything special did he... Cause you really don't want another psychotic love lorn Vampire after you... 

No. I'm pretty sure he just thinks I'm a kissing-slut... Or something egotistical like he was too irresistible not to kiss... 

Willow wrinkled her nose and Buffy grinned. She was so glad that she had told someone, and that that someone had been Willow. The thoughts of that kiss that had been hanging over her conscience like a black cloud were now dissolved and she felt like she could move on. Of course she'd probably still turn bright red the next time she saw that particular Vampire, but he'd be blowing in the wind so fast that it wouldn't last long. 

Willow shifted in her seat and looked at Buffy more seriously, a wave of hair flopped over her face as she watched her friend shyly. Buffy caught the look and frowned, 

Was it, ya-know... good..? 

Buffy spluttered, her feet dropping to the floor with a smack and a blush rising in her cheeks. Before she had a chance to completely denounce any pleasure that might have been gained from that certain kiss, Xander walked into the Library. 

Oh! Hi Xander! 

Buffy's cheerful and distracting smile quickly faded as Xander ignored both girls and moved over to the where the weapons were kept. He rooted through the selection before coming out with a crossbow and a handful of stakes. 

Xander, what--? 

He killed her. Xander said, as if that would explain it all. He killed her and so now he has to die. 

Buffy stood slowly, shooting a glance at Willow who obviously had no idea what was happening either. She walked over to where Xander was shoving bottles of holy water into his pockets. 

Who killed who? Did you find out what was wrong with Giles? 

Xander's hands shook as he loaded the crossbow. His face was unmoving and emotionless, betraying nothing of the pain and anger he felt. What Giles had revealed... What had happened... 

Miss Calendar is dead. Xander turned around and glared at Buffy, And your boyfriend killed her. 

Willow sobbed, her eyes filling with unhelpful tears of grief. Buffy took one measured step backwards. Angelus had killed someone. Someone she knew. Miss Calender was dead... and it was probably her fault. 

H-How does Giles know...? 

He was there when it happened. Caught the whole glorious show... 

W-Why didn't he say something...? 

Why the hell do you think Buffy?! He saw his girlfriend being killed and he couldn't save her! Couldn't protect her... and couldn't take revenge on her killer... 

Xander turned and made his way towards the door with weapons in his hands, Willow was curled up in her chair, silently sobbing as if her tears could make Miss Calendar come back. Buffy charged after Xander and caught his arm before he could make it out of the Library. She spun him around. 

What are you doing? 

Making a killing. 

Xander! You think you can take all two.. three of them on alone? Not to mention however many lackeys they have... 

Well, I've got to try. I suppose you'd solve this by vigorously not doing anything because you can't get over your murderer boyfriend. 

For the love of-- He is not my boyfriend, Xander! And believe me no-one is angrier than me right now... But if you just storm in there its going to be one more body to the count... I can't loose you. 

Her last words faltered in her mouth and betrayed the tears that were threatening to form. Xander was, however, unimpressed by the emotion. He waved his hand about dismissively. 

I don't see why you'd care, if you cared about anyone but yourself then you'd have staked Angel last week and we'd all be getting on with our lives now.. Miss Calendar included. 

That _thing_ is not Angel. And you cannot begin to understand what it was like for me... 

This isn't about you Buffy! 

Then why are you making it sound like that! You're the one who keeps blaming me for everything that goes wrong. Wow, Xander, I'm fallible, surprise. Miss Calendar's death is no-one's fault but Angelus's... And he will be punished for it... 

When, Buffy? When you decide? When more people have died? 

When we know what to do, Xander! When we can beat him! 

Willow stood up slowly through the argument and walked over to between her two friends, with Buffy's last utterance she flung herself into Xander's arms and wept on his shoulder. He held her instinctively, his eyes not leaving Buffy as he handed over the crossbow. She took it from him with a nod, but when she'd returned it and turned back to the hugging couple, she found them ignoring her, tears falling freely, too wrapped up in their own grief. 

As quietly as she could she moved past them and out of the Library into the deserted corridor. She leant up against the doors at they closed behind her and finally allowed gave the tears permission to flow. Except for they didn't. Her eyes burnt with sorrow, but not one tear trickled down her cheeks. Her face fell into her hands and she just breathed. 

***

He'd told them. A few of them. But he still didn't feel any better about it. He almost felt worse, which was stupid, how much worse could it get? He'd let the woman that he loved die, and then not even had enough strength to revenge her murder. 

Their faces swum into his mind, disbelieving and pitying... They told him that it wasn't his fault, he'd done all that he could. At least he hadn't been hurt. 

Giles collapsed back into the chair, drained mentally and physically. He tipped back another glass of JD, enjoying briefly the stinging sensation and the lightening of certain things. But only briefly, alcohol worked that way. 

He'd drained her life out through her neck, and she'd screamed, and he'd just stood there. Now he could think of so many different ways that he could have saved her, or avenged her death. But he had just run away. And he didn't understand. 

He wondered vaguely whether it was the alcohol that made the world look blurry or his lack of glasses. Anything to divert the topic. He was swaying emotionally like a teenager, one minute feeling guilt, then grief, then anger, then shame. At shame he usually refilled his glass and took another swig. 

Giles emptied the rest of the bottle into the small glass and stared at it. He could feel himself teetering on the edges of coherence and drunken oblivion and the last glass should be the decider. 

He'd almost got her back. He'd comforted her, inadvertently revealed his feelings, forgiven her and in a moment of macho pride gone after those who would hurt her. Failure. All his fault. 

Giles grabbed the glass and flung its contents into his mouth, hardly tasting it. All he was aware of was the dull ache of his head as it hit the desk before everything turned a sickly black colour. 

***

Spike slumped against the far wall of the crypt, pulled out a packet of cigarettes and removed one. With the lighter flicked open he watched the flame wearily as he lit up. Bloody Slayer, having him trapped in here so that he couldn't be out killing all day... Or trapped here so that she could come back some time and stake him. 

He'd paced around the whole place, cobwebs to dust bunnies, and still found no way of escaping without touching the sunlight. He didn't have much of a problem with that other than the uneasiness of what was being planned for him by the Slayer. 

If he could get out, where would he go anyway? Back to the mansion to get his ass kicked by Angelus again and Dru's betrayal rubbed in his face? Nah. If truth be told he was kinda glad to be trapped, it meant that he could avoid tackling those difficult issues for a few hours at least. 

The Slayer burst through the crypt door and Spike leapt to his feet. He barely had time to offer a curse or let the cigarette fall from his mouth before he was being punched brutally. He spat out a mouthful of blood and cigarette before being punched again, and again in the face. 

After the third punch he managed to reply with one of his own, but it was blocked almost straight away. He found himself being thrown across the crypt and smashing into the opposite wall. This was ridiculous. 

Slayer, what-- 

A kick to the stomach and an elbow in his back before his face was being punched again. He didn't spot a stake in either of her hands, or pockets so he guessed that this was just her idea of fun. Beating up an _innocent_ Vampire, a few hours after kissing said Vampire passionately. No wonder Angel had gone evil. 

He felt his newly set jaw snap again and the wounds previously inflicted begin to bleed again along with some new ones. He began to see what a Slayer really could do when in the right mindset. If she was angry before, now she was pissed. Very, very pissed. He'd been stupid to think he could ever kill her. 

...He could though. 

Spike was beaten to the floor, Buffy straddling him and still punching. She didn't even see him clearly, all that was registering were the soft thuds of punches connecting or being deflected. Her muscles weren't even getting tired and she had a lot of fury to work through. Living punching bags were always the best, and it was good that she remembered where she could find one today. 

Spike didn't even bother fighting back after a while, just trying to stop as many punches as he could. 'Attack is the best form of defence' had obviously never been tested on a Slayer. He tried with one punch and she gave two back even as she deflected his fist. 

Buffy didn't even notice that the tears were flowing down her face until she felt the wetness under her chin. At first she thought that it was blood, but she had not been hit once so that couldn't be it. She blinked her eyes and fresh tears fell and formed in one swift motion. Her fists slowed and then stopped completely, leaving her to stare down at the Vampire beneath her. 

_Jenny was dead._

Spike blinked a few times as the rain of blows suddenly stopped, he coughed the blood out of his throat and looked around wildly for a stake. But instead all he saw was the Slayer, staring down at him with tears in her eyes. Was she crying about _him_? Oh, yeah, like she cared whether she'd beaten him into a bloody pulp. He gathered all of his remaining energy and punched her hard in the face. 

Buffy jerked sideways, then crawled backwards until her back touched the crypt wall. She sat down on the floor and lowered her head into her hands as the tears came constantly now. The blow from Spike hadn't hurt at all, and she actually forgot that he was there, too wrapped up in her own grief to care. 

Spike sat up slowly, and stared openly at the crying Slayer. After the minutes had passed and she still hadn't stopped he stood up quietly. He walked over to where his cigarettes had fallen out of his duster pocket and picked them up. Once he had lit one he leant up against the opposite wall and watched the small girl wearily. _It wouldn't be fair to kill her while she's crying_, he thought. It didn't occur to him that he usually didn't care what was fair and what wasn't. He just stood and watched her in unantagonistic silence, taking random drags on his cigarette. 

(Author's Note: Shades of S6, sorry. I actually had a good sleep last night, dreaming up fan fic, which is no joke. I dreamt of this whole other season five episode which was kinda like Gladiator except for it was one-on-one Spike-Angel fighting with Buffy cheering on. Spike won of course. Not bad for a dream that started with Rowan Atkinson and Tim-Nice-But-Dim. The worst part of course was when I woke up and realised that this episode wasn't actually real. Damn. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far.)


	13. Internal

Internal

_We love,   
Rubbing the nakedness with gloved hands,   
Inverting our mouths in tongued kisses,   
Kisses that neither touch nor   
care to touch if   
LOVE IS INTERNAL._   
The Detached' by Maya Angelou 

Twilight was just turning into night by the time that Buffy looked up from the palms of her hands. Her muscles ached from being in the same position for so long, and her hair flopped in front of her face in such an annoying way that she had to restrain herself from ripping it out. How was it possible to cry for so long? Don't the tears ever run out? Shouldn't she be a dehydrated mass right now? Hmm... Speaking of lack of fluids. 

She glanced over at the stationary form of Spike, still leaning against the opposite wall of the crypt and smoking what was probably his twentieth cigarette. She glared at him for a long while before he realised she was watching him. Even then he just rolled his tongue back behind his teeth in a smirk. 

What are you still doing here? 

He shrugged and blew out a mouthful of smoke. He really did have the whole James Dean thing going. Except for that she'd seen that movie and JD was no way rebellious enough to be the walking-undead. Buffy placed her palms on the floor and gently pushed herself up to her feet. She rubbed her dry eyes warily for a moment, glad that she hadn't got around to the make-up stage that morning. Her gaze returned to Spike and she had a slightly stupid, but raw-from-crying-so-I-don't-give-a-damn idea. 

The Slayer's eyes raked her surroundings before settling back on Spike, she walked over to him, hips swaying with seduction. Spike backed up against the back wall of the crypt and stared at her. Sure she was a little sexy, but also deadly, manipulative and angry. He wasn't going to forget the events of the past hours. 

She rested a hand on his chest and looked up at him with hooded eyes. He took a long hard drag on his cigarette and looked back at her, ready for whatever blow she was about to inflict. He winced when her hand came up to his face, but it was only to pull the cigarette out of his mouth and stomp it into the floor. 

What do you want, Slayer? 

His voice broke a little in the middle, relinquishing that idea of being the Big Bad. He was _so_ screwed. Her fingers played with a button on his shirt. 

Spike...Help me? 

The last words were said in a rush and Spike snorted. Yeah, help her. He knew she wasn't just being all Lady-Of-The-Night with him just because he was so hot. Heh. He wondered vaguely how long it would take for their illicit affair to end and for one of them to be dead. He should just kill her now. But still... 

Help you Slayer? Not bloodly likely. Smacking me around wasn't the biggest incentive to invoke some compassion for your precious self. 

She drew away from him with a soft thump to his chest. Welcome back Slayer. But he could almost swear that she was pouting. Spike you stupid git, kill her already. All that powerful Slayer blood pumping around her veins, warm and sticky. 

W-What do you want help with Slayer? Homework? 

Killing Angelus. 

Buffy backed off a few more steps and snorted. Whatever had possessed her to be all slutty the moment before was gone and she just had that kinda dirty feeling in her stomach. Like something had crept inside her and died. Goody. She should have just said that bit first, but she'd thought... Uh, like she'd been thinking at all. 

Spike's eyebrows shot up and he exhaled the mouthful of smoke that he'd been holding back. Killing that wanker was the kind of thing he could really go for right now, but he didn't think that the Slayer could be that serious. After all, they had the forever-type love. Like he and Dru had had. He still maintained that, even after recent events. Forever. 

You want my help killing your boyfriend? 

HOW MANY TIMES--My boyfriend _is_ dead! I want to kill the demon wearing his body, why does everyone find that so hard to believe?! 

Perhaps because your boyfriend has always been dead, luv. A change in attitude doesn't necessarily make him a different demon. 

Oh, what do you know? It was rhetorical anyway. 

Spike shrugged, and stopped offering her his opinion. 

I hate you. Buffy reminded him with a glare. 

Then why do you want my help? 

Buffy took her turn to shrug and that revolting smirk curled Spike's lips again. 

Because I'm all you have... Right? 

Yeah, Spike, I just can't live without you. Buffy rolled her eyes skyward with a snort. 

You could die _with_ me. 

Spike stalked forward and pressed a hand against her shoulder, it was meant to be threatening but the small blonde didn't move one inch or break eye contact with him. After a second she grimaced and shook his hand off. 

So are you going to help or not? 

What's in it for me? 

A free pass out of town without being staked. 

So appetising, Slayer, but I could get that for free right now. 

Buffy ignored the overconfidence and continued diligently with offers more exciting to a demon. 

Violence, mayhem... 

Shilly-shallying and chicanery? Great offers to a bloke like me... Any job perks? 

Perks. You know... Extra's. I enjoyed the last one.. 

You're a pig, Spike. 

Thank you, George Orwell. How do you want to kill him then? Sun, holy water or general stake through the heart? You know he's insane right? 

Buffy worked her way through his response slowly. That meant he was going to help right? She wasn't going to tell him her plan only to find out that he was being capricious. 

Well, when I said kill-- 

I _meant_, that I wanted to kill him soon, but not now... Need to know his, er, weaknesses and, stuff. 

No wonder your mates don't believe you. 

He killed someone-- A friend, and he will die, I just don't want it to go wrong. 

That's when some of the best stuff happens. Unexpected stuff. Variation, spice, life... 

I didn't come to you for a debate, Spike. 

Oh, yeah, you came here to beat me up and then ask for my help... 

Buffy said uncertainly. 

No? Then maybe this is what you came for. 

Spike grabbed the Slayer's chin and held her face still and he pressed his lips down onto hers. It was an emotionless kiss that mirrored the one that Angelus had given her days before. Violent and over in a second. 

Feeling unloved are you Slayer? 

Buffy wiped her mouth and almost considered spitting on the ground, if it hadn't been a little-too unladylike for her. 

I _swear_ to God, that if you ever do anything like that-- 

His lips descended on hers again, cool and demanding. She responded, looping her arms over his shoulders and pulling him down. His hands linked at the small of her back as their tongues battled rhythmically. His teeth nibbled at her lower lip, and her fingers toyed with the hair at the nape of his neck. The break from the kiss was mutual, both of them choosing the same moment to let go and move apart. Buffy looked mortified, and Spike angry. 

Please, just... Stop that. She said, her voice breaking. Spike snorted, full of macho-demon pride and lacking the bone in his head that was supposed to tell him to shut up. 

As if I'd ever do it again, Slayer. 

And stop saying my name at the end of every sentence, who else could you be talking to, Spike? 

She was hurt and she didn't hide it well. Nice for him trying to pretend that the kiss wasn't. Uh. Good. She was a good kisser. As if he had a right to berate that now. God, its just Spike, why do you care? She didn't. 

Are you going to help or not? 

Play the spy in Angelus's den... I'm game. He slid off the human mask to reveal his demon face, But I'd better not find a stake with my name on it in your panty draw. 

If I thought you could get into my... that draw then you would already have that stake through your unbeating heart. 

Fine? Fine. Right, then... Report to me later. Buffy turned and begun to hurry out. 

Later when? Where? 

Uh... Tomorrow... Here... Midnight. 

Spike cocked an eyebrow and said in a deliberately provocative tone, 

Its a date. 

Buffy made a noise of disgust before disappearing out of the crypt. She heard the Vampire laughing behind her and all she felt like doing was crying. Again. When the night-air hit her face she remembered about Jenny, and everything else, and suddenly was not in the hunting mood that night. 

Spike's chuckles quickly dissolved and he was left watching the exit and wondering why about so many questions. He felt like a stupid human with all the thoughts that were drifting around in his head, and he didn't even have the big one. Death. All that he wanted to know was why she kept touching him. And that he couldn't answer himself. 

(Author's Note: I have nothing much to say (mainly because its 1am) other than to thank those who have reviewed, and especially those who continue to review. You help to, uh, pressure me into those few more lines that lead to chapters. Cheers)


	14. Where Nothing is Luminous

...Where Nothing is Luminous

_I thought we were just hanging out   
So why'd you kiss me on the mouth   
You thought the way you taste   
Would get me high..._   
I Don't Give A Damn' by Avril Lavigne

Buffy walked into the Library the next day, vaguely wondering if it was really yesterday that she'd found out about Miss Calendar. It wasn't just the amnesia of tragedy, but so much had happened in between. The crypt... And then home to find mom sitting on her bed. She'd be grounded until Graduation. It wasn't as if the I'm out protecting the world from Vampire's' excuse would actually impress her mother, but she couldn't even have given that spiel anyway. She hadn't staked one Vampire, sure she'd kissed one, but no staking motions at all. Gutter mind. 

Three tired pairs of eyes met hers as she entered the room. She wondered whether Xander, Willow and Cordelia had gone home that night, or to any of their classes that morning. It made her feel guilty, like she should have been doing more or sitting with them and staring into space, rather than ready to moan about being grounded. Buffy had had the anger and the tears and pain alone, mostly, and as the Slayer they were things should couldn't show in front of the others. Less and more than human. Ugh. 

Hey Buffy... 

Buffy raised a hand to Willow in a slight wave before settling down in a free chair and glancing around the group. 

So, is he dead? 

Is he? 

...No more dead than usual.. 

Xander shook his head and shot both Willow and Cordelia an I told you so' look before leaning back in his chair and staring off into space angrily. 

Uh, Buffy, I know this is probably hard for you... But I agree with Xander... Angelus needs to, uh, be staked. 

Willow chewed on her lower lip nervously as she waited for Buffy's reaction. The blonde sighed. 

I know Will.. Xander rolled his eyes but Buffy continued diligently, But I just want to make sure that in the process no-one else gets.. hurt. 

Yeah. Buffy. That makes sense and all, except for the fact that you could take him out by yourself and then no-one else would have to be any more involved. You _are_ the Slayer. 

Buffy fixed her gaze on Cordelia, wondering whether to be flattered by the vote of confidence or annoyed by her siding with Xander. Instead she chose the neutral. 

...Has anyone seen Giles? 

Nope. Strange how when your girlfriend gets murdered you just don't feel like turning up for work... 

Xander, can we just, drop it, or punch it out... or something. You're acting like this is all my fault. 

Well, technically, you boned Angel, which made him evil and murderous... So... 

Buffy glared at Cordelia and for once the brunette took the signal to shut up. She then turned pleading eyes onto Xander. 

Look. Buff. I don't blame you. I just... don't understand why you're doing the things you're doing... I mean, have you even got a plan to kill Angelus? 

***

Spike was being paranoid. He knew that but he just couldn't stop it. He'd been too quick to agree to the Slayer's request, forgetting about his fight with Angelus and how that Vampire probably hated him now. More. On top of that he still expected the Slayer to leap out and tell him it was all a lie before inserting something wooden in his chest. 

So Spike was walking around the mansion cautiously, his eyes darting around for any possible attackers. Yeah, he was being paranoid. But it had paid off on the way out of the cemetery when a couple of fledglings had jumped him. Though that had been fun. Fighting Angelus wouldn't be, except for the violence part. 

His _loeil du maitre_ was kinda useless though as everywhere he went he dragged a large brown blanket over his head to protect himself from the sun. Even then he could feel the top of his head slowly sizzling. It wasn't painful yet, but it could get that way. So throwing caution to the wind, metaphorically, he kicked open the first door to the mansion he could get to and rushed inside. 

He whipped the blanket off his back, partly because it was on fire and partly because he was expecting to get attacked at any moment. The room around him was empty. And so were the masses of passageways connecting to it. He didn't even need to look, he could feel the lack of Vampire presence. And more importantly he could tell where they actually were. 

The two older Vampire's were residing in a room to the centre of the mansion. It was a burden and a blessing being able to know where they were the whole time. He decided that the front on approach was best and so began walking the familiar passages to reach Angelus and Drusilla. 

When he neared the room he should have known that was where they would be. The long faux-dining room was the only place that Angelus and Dru seemed to frequent in the whole bloody place, except for the garden and... bedroom. As he had sensed where they were, they had undoubtedly sensed him coming, and so when he walked into the room he was fully prepared for an attack. 

Angelus was slumped in a chair, his demeanour bored as he turned a small framed picture on its side. Drusilla was lying on the long wooden table in a familiar position, staring up at the ceiling. Slumped against the far wall was the body of a woman, obviously dead, her glassy eyes staring at nothing in particular. 

Spike stepped forward but neither Vampire spared him a glance. Angelus continued to stare at the picture he was holding until he let out a growl and flung it to the floor. The glass cracked. 

he remarked offhandedly, only then did his eyes dart up to Spike, You like that, don't you? 

Bit unsanitary don't you think mate.. Spike said, indicating the dead body who now looked a little familiar. 

Angelus turned his head for a second then shrugged, 

What's another dead body among friends? 

We're _friends_ then are we? 

Of course. Spike. Friends forgive each other. He said every word with an inset smirk and raised eyebrow. 

What're you playing at? Been drinking the A Pos. again, cause you know that doesn't agree with you... 

Funny, Spike. Always so funny. His eyes became serious, But I'm not joking when I say that fight with me again and you will find yourself being tortured until the end of eternity and out of the other side. 

Uh, yeah, mate, about that... 

Angelus stood up gracefully and stalked over to Spike. He was always good at that little manoeuvre. Ponce. Angelus brought back his hands, slapping Spike once across one cheek and then punching the other. Spike backed away, or reeled, whichever was more manly. 

Angelus nodded and advanced on Spike again, this time only to drape an arm around his shoulder and lead him back into their little clique. Drusilla squirmed on the table and sat up, a smile gracing her face. 

Spike began to believe that perhaps he could, really, get back into their gang'. He didn't need the Slayer. Things were simpler when it was hunt and kill, no making deals with enemies. As he was guided forward by Angelus he glanced idly at the smashed picture on the floor and his stomach did phantom-turns. Framed in gold, the glass shattered around her face, was a picture of Buffy Summers. 

Damn. 

***

Buffy! You're not serious... 

Willow drew Buffy into an alcove in the crowded hallway, her face was filled with panic. Panic that had steadily grown as Buffy had explained her plan so far. Strangely enough Xander and Cordelia had accepted it, but that might have been because they were just glad Buffy was taking some action. 

_Spike_?! Spying on _Angelus_ and _Drusilla_ and _reporting_ back to _you_? She stressed every other word, making her sentence sound like line from a badly acted soap opera. 

Yes. Will. 

You can't _trust_ him! 

I know Will, but-- 

Nu uh! Buffy, he's a _Vampire_. He _tried_ to _kill_ you! 

I remember Willow. And can you stop talking like that? 

Is this because you kissed him? 

Is this because you kissed him? I mean... Not everyone you kiss is good Buffy... 

I never said he was g-- 

...And even the ones who are good can turn evil. You're not _in love_ with him are you?! 

WHAT? No! No, no, no and no. Willow, I know this is freaking you out. But there is nothing between me and Spike-- 

Spike and I. 

Spike and I except for hatred, and now this deal. The only reason I know I can... uh... rely on him is because he seems to hate Angelus even more than he hates me... 

Oh. But Buffy... 

... You're sure there really is nothing between you and Spike, right? 

Uh, Willow, way to make me feel sick right before Math. Or maybe that is the Math. 

Willow smiled brightly began to walk slowly with Buffy towards their lesson. At least for now she didn't care that they were late. Or that Oz hadn't shown up to school that day. She was just happy to be laughing with her best friend. 

Buffy listened to Willow as she talked animatedly about some past summer adventure, and smiled at the appropriate points. It was nice just to talk about memories and things that weren't earth shattering. Be distracted. That sort of thing. But as they neared the classroom door she felt the sick feeling increase, proving that it was the Math she was nervous of. What did that mean? 

***

Oz stared in front of him without really seeing anything that was there. He was in his bedroom, sitting cross-legged on a stripped mattress and stationary. He'd been halfway through remaking his bed that morning when everything had just hit him. 

Someone he knew was dead. 

And it wasn't as easy to get over for him as it seemed to be for everyone else. Bar Giles. Over the last few months of his life things had changed. Some stuff got better, and some worse. Like this. And being a Werewolf. 

He loved Willow. He really did. And that was a pretty heavy concept for a highschool kid. He knew. But could he really stay with her, and her friends, if this was what happened. People died. 

Oz stood up and began to unfold the fresh sheet he'd collected. He was vaguely aware that he was late, _very_ late for school. But it wasn't as if he hadn't skipped before. Just not when he was going out with Willow. 

He wasn't about to leave her, anytime soon. But he knew now that he would never have a normal life. It was strange that that never struck him when he became part wolf, but that hadn't bothered him as much. He saw his life stretching out in front of him, people he knew dying all of the time and him never around to stop it. To save them. To wake up. 

Oz stared down at the made bed and then slowly flopped down onto it. Before he was just late, now he was skipping, he needed to sort out his head. Some stuff was just more important than school. 

(Author's Note: Apologies for the lateness of this update, I was on a roll but then I lost it. In other news I dreamt I was Noah the other night, animals and floods. I have issues. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far, I'm glad you're enjoying it.)


	15. Love and Folly

Love and Folly (Were in Hell)

_The heart asks pleasure first   
And then, excuse from pain;   
And then those little anodynes   
That deaden suffering, _

_And then to go to sleep   
And then, if it should be,   
The will of its Inquisitor   
The liberty to die!_   
The Heart Asks' by Emily Dickinson 

Dru? Honey? What's the matter? 

Spike grimaced at the term of endearment, but Drusilla crooned towards Angelus for his use of it. A moment before she had shuddered and been brought to a stop in the middle of one of her fanatical diatribes. She'd swayed on her feet and inclined her head up to the heavens. Now she was back to flirting with her two males. Everything normal. 

Was it a vision Dru? 

Mmmm... Voices inside... 

What did they say, Dru? A message? 

Dru chuckled coquettishly and leant up against her Sire. Normally Angelus would have taken advantage of any opportunity to make Spike jealous, but now he pushed Dru away roughly, only causing her to chuckle louder. 

What did they say, Dru? 

Feelings and Words... Dru said dreamily, All together and apart... 

I don't think you're gonna get anything else out of her mate... 

Shut up, Spike, go kill something and leave me alone with your girlfriend... I expect I can get something out of her... 

To Angelus's surprise Spike turned on his heel and left the room. Spike taking orders? That was a new one. The bleached-Vampire really was bad at the undercover work. 

Then he heard the sound of several things being smashed in the next room and smiled. He couldn't wait to capture that one and torture him into a very painful oblivion, every night. There was only one thing that confused him. Why Spike was working with the Slayer; because it had to be her that has ordered him back into the Lion's den. 

He likes her. 

Angelus turned around and eyed Dru wearily, sometimes she was insightful, and sometimes mad. It was hard to tell the difference. 

_Likes_ her? I don't think so. 

Dru grinned silently and beckoned Angelus over to her. He refused to come and she pouted, lower lip jutting out and poking against enlarged canines. 

He likes her? 

She nodded and a grim smile came to his face. He settled into Drusilla's embrace and let her hands and lips wander over him as he stared at the door which Spike had exited out of. 

Well, that puts a new spin on things. Angelus growled, and he couldn't keep the possessiveness out of his cold voice. 

***

Well, Buffy... you see... I thought it would be nice if we could, you know, go out some time... Perhaps? 

Buffy glanced around at her friends, Willow was grinning openly and Xander was glaring into his locker and pretending not to listen. She sighed. 

Listen, Adam-- 

The boy in front of her corrected hopefully. 

Sorry. Alex. I've just gotten out of a really serious.... thing... and I'm not really. Well, you see, I'm not... 

The blonde's face fell and his eyes grew wide and disappointed. Buffy was sure that he was a really nice guy, and the sort that she would have fallen for before Angel. But now things were complicated. Too complicated for Sweet-Alex to handle. 

I'm sorry... she amended guiltily, but Alex was already turning away and maintaining a macho facade as he walked around the corner of the lockers. 

Buffy turned to look into the disappointed face of Willow. The redhead quickly turned and began fiddling with her locker combination in a way which indicated to Buffy that she might have had something to do with Alex's proposal. Willow never fiddled with her locker. She remembered stuff. 

Look, Buffy, if a person wanted to cheer another person up and that didn't go well... Then its the thought that counts... And the other person should really forgive.. Willow garbled in response to the unasked question. 

Its all right Willow. I know you meant... well. But I'm just not ready to get back on that horse again. 

See, Will, no straddling for Buffy at the moment. 

Buffy scowled and Xander and he shrugged noncommittally. 

Besides. I already have a date tonight. 

You do? Both friends chorused, one pleased and the other annoyed. 

she wrinkled her nose, With Spike. 

Ugh. Well, if I were you Buff, I'd have chosen Mr-Forgettable-Alex... But you do like them all pointy in the mouth... 

Its work, Xander. 

I know. I'm just teasing. I hope the bloodsucker has something useful to tell us otherwise he's gonna find himself on the sharp end of Mr Pointy. 

Mmm hmm. Buffy iterated sceptically before registering everything that he said, 

Yeah. Buff. Us. You thought we were going to let you smack Spike around alone? No. We're audience people. 

Peanut Gallery more like. I... I want to do this alone. 

Willow frowned and moved in on the conversation, 

she asked, hoping that it was for none of the reasons she was thinking. 

Its Spike. He won't talk if anyone else is around. And I don't want you guys to get.. hurt. I'll tell you everything he says. 

Xander's brow wrinkled comically and he teased, I think I was right the first time. Buffy wants to be alone with Spike. On her date. Let me guess, you're just friends? Okay, but if I find you two necking behind the bushes then I'm just gonna be... Xander paused and considered, the image leaping to his mind, ...Projectile vomiting. 

The two girls looked at each others and burst into fits of giggles. Xander shrugged and grinned, with no idea that it was not him they were laughing at. 

***

Hey! Cordelia! How's the downgrade going? 

Cordelia turned, flipping her hair over her shoulder perfectly. But her confidence fell a few marks when she saw who was talking to her. 

Hello Harmony. 

Uh... Dating a freak make you loose your sense of humour? 

No. In fact I find that outfit particularly funny.. 

Hmm. You probably don't recognise style anymore unless it comes with its own geek-droolable-shoulder-pads... 

Cordelia rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest. The two girls behind Harmony looked a little nervous, but the blonde just stuck up her chin and stared at her ex-friend. 

Firstly, shoulder pads? Please. And secondly, what's wrong? Bleach seeping into your head again Harmony and lowering your IQ even further so you feel like you have to pick a loosing fight against suspender abusers? I mean, what is that outfit? 

Its natural blonde!! Harmony shrieked, stamping her foot against the floor in a typical tantrum moment. 

Cordelia turned around and finished exchanging books in her locker. Harmony and the two other girls breezed past her, knocking her shoulder. When she looked up Harmony turned to get the last word. 

Don't think we'll take you back once your little boyfriend has ploughed you and moved on. You'll _be_ on _your_ own. 

Cordelia pushed the books into her bag and turned the other way, glad that her make-up would cover the blush on her cheeks. She walked down the nearly-empty corridor, the sound of her heels clacking rhythmically against the floor and her heart beating were the only things she could hear. 

Xander wrapped his arms around his girlfriend's waist. She jumped at his touch, then grinned, then squirmed away. Cordelia slid her hand into Xander's and held on tightly. _See, Harmony, he is still here._ She thought, but the pounding in her chest grew louder. 

***

Buffy walked in through the back door and dumped her bag on the partition in the kitchen. She then proceeded to pick up a banana from the fruit bowl and peel it as she tried to figure out how to avoid her mother now and tonight. When she had to sneak out to meet Spike. 

She shuddered and after taking one bite of the yellow fruit didn't feel very hungry anymore. Homework that night had been extensive and Math related, so she decided to skip it and face the consequences. Or rather whine and plead until the consequences disappeared. Willow had said she'd do if for her. This _once_. Never again. Buffy felt guilty about taking advantage of her friend, but not guilty enough to object. 

She walked through to the dining room and then snuck over to the stairs. It seemed that she was home and dry as far as avoiding mom came. Perhaps she was out. Yeah. 

Buffy leapt down the few steps she had taken and went to fetch her school bag from downstairs, she swung it over her shoulder and began to skip happily upstairs, whistling a jingle from some cleaning product advert. 

As the landing came into view she spotted the prone form lying on the floor. A thick stain of blood has seeped through the carpet around the body's neck. Its eyes were open and glassed, staring out at nothing. Buffy dropped her bag and was vaguely aware of it bouncing down the stairs loudly, scattering books. Her eyes widened and finally she found her voice. 

***

Angelus stepped down from a chair, wiping blood from his mouth, a frown on his face. He was restless and usually that was cured by a kill, but not this time. He decided that perhaps a couple of verbal rounds with Spike might cheer him up. But first he listened to the argument that was going on in the next room. He could lurk when he needed to. 

Dru, baby, please... We could leave tonight. 

No Spike. 

Why the hell not? Is it because of _him_? 

Silence. 

Of course it is. Everything's about bloody Angelus. 

Angelus stepped in and the scowl that Spike had been wearing deepened. 

Speak of the poofter... Have a nice kill did you peaches? 

Angelus pulled Drusilla into his arms. 

Yep. Really got the blood.. _pumping_... You should go and try it. Now. 

Spike rolled his eyes to the ceiling and back, he wasn't going to be intimidated by Angelus. So instead he took on a conversational tone. 

Who'd you kill? Young? Old? Male? Female? 

Why do you _care_, Spike? 

Just interested mate. 

How nice. Angelus pushed Drusilla from his arms again, she got annoying very quickly, Slayer's mother. 

That's who I killed. Satisfying enough for you? 

Spike agreed as he glanced about the room, You know, mate, all this talk of killing has got me peckish after all... 

He turned and walked out of the nearest doorway. The Slayer was going to _kill_ him if she thought that he had anything to do with this. He hadn't warned her. And the stupid girl hadn't de-invited Angelus. What was she thinking? 

When Spike was far enough away from the other Vampires he broke into a run. 


	16. Revive

Revive

_We are connected   
by the thinnest lines   
often unseen and unfelt,   
but they are of tungsten steel   
so many and strong.   
Our stupidity insists we ignore them all.   
What demon in us   
demands only lies,   
demands we are alone?_   
Paradox' by Joseph Lisowski 

Buffy knelt by her mother's side, her hands numb as she tried to take a pulse, but she couldn't feel anything. Her fingers wandered over the two puncture wounds on her mom's neck and her stomach gave a heave. No, she needed to stay focused. 

Quickly she pulled her mother up into a sitting position and clamped a hand over the wounds. She slid one arm around the small of her mother's back, and the other under her knees. Joyce's skirt road up a little and Buffy saw something else. 

Scrawled into her mother's thigh with a knife was one word that wept blood; **SOON**. 

This time Buffy couldn't stop herself. She turned away and emptied the contents of her stomach onto the floor. Once the nausea had subsided and all that was left was the taste of bile in her throat, she made her was shakily with her mother down the stairs. All that she could think about was getting her mother to the safety of a hospital and then killing the person who did this. 

Not a person. A thing. 

It didn't occur to her to ring 911, that was just for emergencies, and this wasn't one. Her mother was going to be fine. 

When she reached the bottom of the stairs, carefully avoiding books and pencils, there was a knock on the door. She stared in the direction of the sound without really registering it. More knocks. And these were more urgent. 

Buffy stepped forward, her mother still cradled in her arms, even if she was getting heavy, and pulled the door open. Standing on the front steps was Spike, pacing back and forth. 

Buffy said weakly. 

Spike took in the scene before him for a split second before stepping forward to help. He banged against the barrier and looked at Buffy pleadingly. 

Buffy stared at the Vampire blankly, not because she didn't know what he wanted, but because she didn't know why he was helping. Hadn't his kind done this? 

Come on, Slayer, we can take her to the hospital in my car... Spike said urgently, gesturing behind him to the blacked out DeSoto. 

Buffy began to question, but she was already moving forward. Hospital sounded like a good idea after all. Once she'd stepped out of the house Spike pulled the door shut and started to help her with Joyce. He found her placing more on him until she was left with free arms and he was sagging under the woman's full weight. 

Buffy hurried forward and pulled open once of the back doors to the car. Spike, as gently as he could, placed the Slayer's mom in the back seat. He was already regretting saying that he'd help, but he couldn't very well take it back now. 

Buffy leapt into the front passenger seat glared at Spike until he climbed into the drivers side. Buffy turned dangerously in her seat and leant forward to keep a hand on her mother's neck. The gesture was only an afterthought, no blood was escaping from the wound anymore. 

Spike only looked at the Slayer once through the whole journey, consoling wasn't his forte and he had no words of comfort to offer the distraught young girl. Instead he concentrated on the road and dodging traffic to get to the hospital. Several cars had honked at them only to be flipped off by Spike before he continued to plough through the rows of vehicles. 

Once they reached the emergency entrance to the hospital Buffy was breathing strangely and her hands were shaking. Still she jumped out of the car and grabbed her mother under the arms. Spike got out quickly to help her, taking the woman's legs and helping Buffy carry her into the hospital. Forgetting about his car almost instantly. 

Three people burst out of the doors, from the looks of it a doctor and two nurses, wheeling a gurney with them. 

What's wrong with her? 

Sh-She's lost a lot of blood... was all that Buffy could say as she placed her mother down on the bed. The three men looked at each other knowingly before beginning to wheel the limp woman inside. Buffy followed, distraught suddenly as the hospital surroundings pushed their way into her consciousness. 

Uh, miss, you're going to have to let us work... You can wait over there... 

Miss! You really can't come in here. 

Please, miss, you're going to have to stay out here... 

Spike watched as the three men tried desperately to pry Buffy away from her mother before they entered the trauma room. Slayer strength won every time. Finally he stepped forward and clamped his hands onto her shoulders forcefully. 

Slayer! You can't help you mom like that... Let them do their jobs... 

The men hurried away after shooting Spike a grateful look, they disappeared behind two sets of doors and then around a corner. After a moment of just staring Buffy turned towards Spike. Her eyes were filling steadily with tears. 

She stepped forward and Spike took a panicked step backwards. Either she was going to beat him up or cry on his shoulder, and he didn't want either. He still didn't know why he was here. Dru had been steadfast in her convictions to stay with Angelus, so why didn't he just snap the girl's neck and leave Sunnyhell for somewhere less... complicated? 

Buffy felt the moisture trickling down her face but couldn't even gather the strength to wipe it away. She was conflicted, should she stay or should she take revenge. On top of that she'd just tried to cry on a Vampire's shoulder. Things were so confusing. 

Look.. uh... Why don't you call your mates... I'll wait over here... Spike gestured to a few empty chairs and Buffy nodded. He didn't know why he had bothered to tell the Slayer where he would be, or more to the point why she would care. But as she walked away he felt compelled to sit down and wait for her return. 

***

Willow chewed on the end of her pencil as she read through the final Math problem again. It wasn't as if it was hard, but was it something that Buffy would put? She knew that her friend wanted all of the problems done right, but Willow really didn't want to be caught out by using too complex language or anything. 

Not that Buffy was stupid. 

Willow bit down harder on the wood until the little rubber broke off in her mouth. Ugh. She should be out with her boyfriend, not in doing someone else's Math homework. But said boyfriend was AWOL still, and it was worrying. Perhaps he'd found someone else, someone blond and curvy. No. Her and Oz had something, but she wasn't sure what it was. Or even if she was feeling the same thing that he was. Maybe it was more serious for her than it was for him. 

She sighed and closed the book, Buffy would just have to live with the consequences of Willow doing her homework. She stretched and stood up, reaching for the glass of water that lived beside her bed. 

The telephone rang. 

Sighing again, more dramatically this time, she reached for the receiver. 

Oh... Hi Buffy... I'm doing your-- 

Willow's eyes widened and her mouth was suspended open as she listened to her best friend speak. 

***

By the time Buffy had walked back into the waiting room Xander and Cordelia had already arrived. They both hugged Buffy but had no words to say that were comforting, their presence would have to be enough. 

Do you know anything yet, Buff? 

No... They won't tell me, anything... 

I'm sure she'll be fine. Both friends looked at each others and knew that wasn't the case, but Buffy nodded anyway. 

Cordelia, uncomfortable in the silence, glanced around the waiting room. She took in white furnishings to match the walls, a small pile of magazines and plastic plants. As she turned around she noted the only other person in the room-- 

Holy crap! 

What the HELL is _he_ doing here? 

Xander had spotted Spike at the exact same moment and begun storming forward, his face a mask of anger for the Vampire, or just Vampire's in general. Spike barely had time to straighten up against the wall before Buffy's hand grabbed Xander's shoulder and held him back. 

He helped me get mom here, Xander. 

That's great. Why is he _here_? 

What? I just-- 

I know. I know. He helped, but why is he still here? Hanging around and gloating? 

The last question was directed straight at Spike, but the Vampire seemed to be totally ignoring Xander and was instead staring at Buffy. The Slayer racked her brain for an excuse, though she wasn't sure why. 

I... He's here just in case, that thing comes by and attacks.. us. 

Xander paused and then turned away from Spike, ignoring his presence once more, You think we'll need him? And do you think Angel will come? 

I don't-- I'm not sure. I just want to be careful.. 

At that moment Willow rushed in, she flung herself first into Buffy's arms and then Xander's. After pulling back she began to ask, 

Do you... 

No, Will, nothing yet.. 

Willow nodded and glanced around the room, Hey Cordelia. she offered quietly to the brunette who nodded in return. The she saw Spike. Her eyes darted quickly from Buffy then back to Spike. Slowly her mouth turned down and her brow furrowed. 

What's he... 

Apparently we need him. Xander butted in, he explained before looking at the Vampire, Silent protection. 

Spike gave Xander the finger, causing Buffy to stalk over to him. She lowered her voice dangerously until only a Vampire could have heard what she said. Surprisingly her words weren't as angry as her face suggested to her friends. 

Spike. Please. Behave. I want you to stay. But if you can't restrain yourself I'm gonna kick your ass out of here myself. 

Spike nodded and to show his obedience restrained' himself from smirking, 

Right, Slayer. 

Buffy was having a strange sense of deja vu, back to the previous year when she'd found the bleeding body of her mother in Angel's arms. She'd not staked him then, and at the time it was apparently the right thing to do. But now she wished she had. She wished that she had seen what everyone else had, that Angel was a Vampire, and not to be trusted. Soul or no soul. It kinda put a new spin on the things she'd just said to Spike, but she was too angry to correct herself. 

Giles pushed his way into the waiting room. He looked dishevelled, hair sticking up in inappropriate places and an unshaved look to his face. But still he grabbed Buffy as soon as he spotted her and pulled her into a hug. She hugged back, ignoring the smell of alcohol on his clothes. 

He nodded and his eyes immediately settled on Spike. 

Buffy yelled at the same time, already seeing the question coming, He's here because I ask--told him to be. In case Angel arrives. End of discussion. 

Buffy. We don't _need_ him. 

I SAID-- 

The door opened an a slightly nervous doctor walked in, stopping Buffy's words in her throat even as they formed. Her mouth hung open for a moment before shutting and she turned her body fully towards the young man. He was too young to be a doctor, she decided, far too young. 

Uh, Miss Summers? The man questioned, his voice even more nervous than his appearance. 

Yes. Is--IS my mother all right? She's all right, right? 

Uh, your mother came in with extensive neck wounds.. She had lost a lot of blood-- 

I KNOW what was wrong with her. Just tell me she's all right. Tell me... Just, _tell me_. 

We were able to repair the damage to her throat... 

What is this, some kind of game to you? I ask how my mother is, if she's dead or alive, and all you can do is pretend like you're on ER or something. WHAT HAPPENED? 

The man took a few steps back, I wasn't aware no-one had.. Uh.. Your mother is going to be fine. She'll have to stay in hospital for a while to replenish her blood, but other than that there should be no other complications. 

Thank God.. 

Can I see her? 

She's sleeping at the moment. I'm sorry, I really have to... The man gestured to the door before rushing out. 

Buffy turned to her friends, the smile on her face mixed with tears. One by one they hugged her and were crushed by Slayer-strength happiness. 

She's going to be all right. 

And you'll be able to see her soon. 

Soon but not now, Buffy's face fell for a moment before taking on a grim look, That's good. In fact that's great. 

It'll give me a chance to kill that bastard before my mother even wakes up.. 

(Author's Note: La la la *sings a little song* Oh God. I'm sorry for the last two chapters. I'm planning on wrapping this story up around chapter twenty-five. But that really doesn't mean anything. Another thank you to all of my reviewers, I love you all. Kisses and such.)


	17. Tisiphone, Megaera and Alecto

Tisiphone, Megaera and Alecto

_So we laugh, and we smile   
And we play our games of sweet denial   
But don't tell me we're forgiven   
If we hold, all our breath   
If we kneel right down and just repent   
You can't tell me we're forgiven_   
We're Forgiven' by The Calling 

Buffy, please wait and listen for a minute. 

No time, Giles, he could have changed hide-outs or something. 

But Buffy, it would be better-- 

Giles. He attacked my mom. Spike, you're coming with me. 

Look, Slayer, when did I become your bleedin' side-kick? 

Buffy. You have every right to be angry, but Angelus is strong... 

Giles, _he attacked my mom_! 

AND HE KILLED MY GIRLFRIEND! 

The Library grew silent, everyone pausing from what they were doing. Willow and Oz had been talking quietly in a corner while Xander and Cordelia tentatively packed weapons under the instruction of Buffy. Spike was leaning up against a wall, as usual, with the distinct expression on his face that he would rather be somewhere else. 

Spike would rather be anywhere but here. One moment he was rushing to warn the Slayer for fear of getting staked, and the next he was part of their bloody Scooby gang. He found it disturbing even if none of them did. They should be afraid of him, instead all they did was taunt or ignore him. Made a bloke feel emasculated. It wasn't so long ago that he'd tried to kill them all. 

_Mmm, and it wasn't so long ago that you kissed the Slayer. _

Was that what this was about? Kissing the Slayer? It should be in the bad-guy's handbook; kiss your nemesis and get invited into their life. He knew the thing that was really bugging him though. Not the fact that they hadn't killed him yet, but the fact that he hadn't killed them. Was he turning soft? Usually he'd have killed them all and sucked them dry. But then again.... Yeah, it was all about kissing the Slayer. 

Giles and Buffy were in the weapon's cage, panting as they both tried to calm down. One was holding a short battle-axe and the other a bottle of holy water. All bets were that Buffy would win with the water if a fight broke out. 

Its nice how tragedy brings us back together... To kill things. 

All eyes turned to Xander, but he simply shrugged before going back to arguing with Cordelia as quietly as possible the correct way to pack a bag. It broke the silence again and shifted everyone back to their tasks. 

Looks, Giles, I am not diminishing her death. But surely you want to get revenge for what he did. 

Revenge, no. Justice, yes. 

Same diff. 

Revenge is something born out of passion and hatred, justice is ordered, it has rules. 

Screw the rules. 

If you knock down all the laws in the land chasing the devil then what is going to be there to protect you when the devil turns around? Giles paraphrased. 

Giles, you know Vampire's can't be brought to any kind of normal justice. Its stake. Heart. Poof. 

Take a few days, Buffy. Look after your mother, come up with a plan. Then attack. He'll be excepting this. 

I don't have time to argue with you Giles. I'll kill him, not the other way around. 

Buffy pushed past Giles and picked up the half-packed bag on the Library table. She motioned for Spike to follow her as she turned and walked towards the door. 

Uh, Buffy, that bag-- 

It'll do. 

Please be CAREFUL.. Giles shouted to the swinging doors of the Library, his Slayer already gone. He sighed and removed his glasses, cleaning them vigorously before a sudden thought caused him to turn around and address the group with disbelief. 

Why _was_ Spike here? 

***

Slayer, why am I with you? 

Great, cannon fodder. 

No. Back-up. 

You really think that if you can't take Angelus down I'd be able to? 

Bloody hell... 

Look, Spike, you're the one following me. Not the other way around. 

No idea _why_ I'm following you though. 

Me neither. 

Buffy glanced across at Spike. They were marching along a nondescript street, bags of weapons slung over their shoulders. Spike was indeed following a few steps behind, so as to look reluctant. 

When are you planning on killing me? 

Spike stared at the back of Buffy's head as she continued walking, I'm not.. 

Oh, please, Spike, as if you're coming along just to help' me. I'm just asking when you're planning on doing it so that I can be prepared. 

Firstly, you think if I was going to kill you I'd warn you first? And secondly, I'm not. 

Oh, very reassuring. 

Get over yourself. I'm not going to kill you tonight, so lets just concentrate on the wanker in the mansion. 

And your girl. 

Drusilla. She's there as well... You can stake her? 

...'Course I can. 

All right.. 

The pair fell into silence, both dwelling on thoughts of killing lovers. Or trying not to. Spike refused to think about it, denying that the situation would crop up at all. Buffy was still filled with rage for Angelus, even if she was containing it better than before. 

Why do you care, Slayer? 

Because you frighten me. 

Spike cocked an eyebrow and Buffy grinned, 

Yeah, right. 

Was worth a try. 

***

She's coming then? 

Like sunlight. 

Mmm... Good. 

Angelus continued his pacing. He'd been waiting for hours for the Slayer to turn up, and he was getting bored. But Dru said that she was coming, and she was rarely wrong about things like that. Impending doom and such. 

Spike had wandered off earlier that night, and Angelus was sure that he had gone to show the Slayer his support. Or he'd killed her. Spike was ambiguous like that. But the blonde Vampire would be finding himself dead tonight if he'd done either. Betrayed or touched Angelus's possession. 

He sensed them as soon as they entered the mansion, and perhaps a little time before that. It was an exciting thrill rushing through his body. Adrenaline just before a fight, and hunger, just before a kill. And that little thread of uncertainty about what was about to happen. 

***

As ever. 

All right, Buffy swallowed, I'll take Angelus, you take Dru, any other Vamps are fair game. 

Dru... Right... 

Fuck you. 

That's the spirit. 

Both warriors took deep breaths and stared at the door in front of them. On the other side a battle that would change their lives, or in one case unlife. The breathing seemed to go on forever, enough time for Buffy to wonder why Spike was breathing at all. 

she asked again. 

This time all she received was a nod, and that signal was enough to send her foot into the door. Which crashed open. Simultaneously they both ran forwards into the room, both gauging their surroundings quickly for escape routes, attackers and weapons. 

Angelus paused mid-stride and turned to look at the both of them. He was perfectly calm, and smiling broadly. Only two attackers, and one was the dear-and-faithful Spike who would never hurt Dru. His ex looked pissed, but that wasn't a new look for her, and she'd been crying. Good. 

Well, Buffy, I was expecting an army... And all I got was you and your spy. Kinda disappointing don't you think? 

I'm sure we'll be _fun_ enough for you. 

Promise? Fighting _and_ fun. What promises girls give.. Always pretending they're better at things when they're not. I get that vibe from you a lot, lover. 

Takes two... 

Sorry to ruin your ensemble then. Angelus said smoothly, before issuing a roundhouse to Spike's head. The bleached Vampire stumbled back, but did not fall. 

Aww, Spike, play the game. You picked the losing team, so now you've gotta lose.. 

The Slayer and the Vampire exchanged glanced and nodded. While Spike darted off to the left Buffy advanced forward and punched a distracted Angelus in the face. Once one punch had been landed others came, building up a sickening rhythm of bone and flesh connecting continuously. 

You attacked my mother! You son of a bitch! 

You let me in... 

Angelus caught her next punch and smacked her with the back of his elbow before shoving her to the floor. She flipped up to her feet easily enough but it had broken her flow for a second. 

Don't you _dare_ touch me! 

They exchanged a volley of punches and blocks, high and low, neither gaining any ground. 

Spike watched, wondering if he should help. But really he was just putting off the inevitable. He had been told to attack Dru. And so he should. But since when did he start taking orders? 

Dru smacked him in the back of the head with a chair. 

_Since now._

Dru, honey, Angelus been keeping you so bored that you had to watch wrestling? 

You left me Spike, alone in the earth. 

You had him. 

He was with _her_. Drusilla spat, then her face grew childlike and her voice mournful, And now, so are you.. 

Oh, Dru baby.. 

Drusilla launched herself at Spike, kicking an punching clumsily but with venom and strength, her nails slashing at his face. Spike was caught off guard by the first few blows, but then he pulled himself together. He had been ready to run right back to her then. At that moment. But now he saw that however far away he went, she would always mourn for Angelus more than him. Her plaything. 

Angelus smashed Buffy's head down onto the table, splitting her eyebrow and causing her to reel for a second. 

Face it, schoolgirl, you can't win. 

Buffy straightened and punched him with the back of her fist, one step back was all she needed to force through a second punch and a kick to the stomach. 

You think I'll hold back because I love you? 

Angelus smirked and charged at her, she dodged to the side and turned quickly. 

Well, guess what... 

She ran forward and delivered two snap-kicks to his head. 

Over it. 

Spike pinned Dru's arms to her sides, and she struggled in his grip. She pouted, cried, flirted, and growled but he didn't let go. Something had changed between them. How stupid had he been? In love with a woman who did not love him back, and never would. To think that she could ever consider him...Ugh. He'd been with her for a hundred years, his only thought to make her happy in some hope that one day she might care just a little. It was stupid. And human. And... lame. Yeah, Sunnydale words did have some uses. It was lame. So incredibly lame. 

I'm not letting you go baby... Spike pulled out a stake, Until you're dust... 

He still didn't know if he'd be able to do it. But he didn't get a chance to find out--Was that good or bad?--At the very moment he raised the stake Buffy screamed. Not a very Slayer-like pastime. He twisted around, still holding on to one of Dru's arms, and saw the Slayer on the floor with Angelus sitting on her legs, cheerfully punching her sides and back as she squirmed. 

She was the Slayer, so she'd get free eventually, but still... 

Spike pushed Dru away and tackled Angelus, shoulder to shoulder. Angelus flew off the Slayer and into the wall. Vampire and Vampire stared at each other for a few moments before Slayer stood up between them. She was holding a hand to her side and blood seeped from the cut on her head, but other than that she looked perfectly deadly. 

What a faithful dog you've got there, Buffy 

He was yours before he was mine.. 

You think I'm gonna cry over you stealing my puppy? Grow up Buffy. I wanted to kill you tonight, but I've decided that... No. I wont. I want to kill your friends, one by one, and make you watch... 

Can't always have what you want.. 

Yeah. Guess not... Which is why I'm settling for ending the world instead. 

Spike murmured, his eyes darting to the Vampire's that were appearing all around Angelus. 

Buffy said, ignoring Spike. 

Ending the world. Your Watcher never tell you about a demon called Acathla? Angelus took in Buffy's blank look with a smirk. She was cute when she was stupid, Disappointing, must have been preoccupied... Well, you'll find out. If you live. 

Buffy started forward, a stake in her hand, intent on beating Angelus to a pulp until he explained. Spike's hand grabbed her arm and he nodded towards the ten other Vampire's at Angelus's back. The Slayer shrugged off his grip, but knew that it was a futile gesture. Twelve Vampires vs. her were not good odds, even if Spike did decide to help out. 

I'm going to kill you... KILL YOU! And you'll be alone! And afraid! And helpless! Forever! And it'll hurt, but I won't care! I WON'T CARE! 

You think I _feel_, Buffy, you think I can touch even one of those emotions. You think I want to? Screwing you might have been the worse sexual experience of my unlife, but it was a true awakening. Have I ever thanked you... for doing this to me? 

YOU F-- 

Spike pulled the Slayer back a few steps and gestured to the surrounding Vampire's loosely. He hoped to get through to her mightly-pissed brain that if they didn't leave now. They'd both be dead. After a few lingering seconds she seemed to catch on and along with him backed away towards the exit. 

Going Buffy? 

She didn't answer. 

Well, that's rude.. 

Arches and crosses. Dru sidled up to Angelus's side, pouting. 

Soon, Dru. 

Buffy thrust the stake in her hand into a Vampire's chest. The faint satisfaction she felt was overshadowed by the hatred and anger that still filled her. She couldn't take them all. So she had to run. Again. Why was she always running from Vampire's? She was The Slayer. That meant something, right? 

Spike pushed his way through the door, and immediately grabbed the Slayer's arm, he dragged her through the passages of the mansion with a surprising amount of moaning. None. 

Dawn was just beginning to light the sky as they escaped outside. As soon as the morning air burned in her lungs the Slayer stopped and gasped. She doubled over and took in deep breaths until the spinning headache subsided. 

Are you....okay? 

Yeah I'm... Buffy stumbled again and Spike sighed. 

Sure, Slayer, how many times did Angel-boy smack your head against that table? Until you lost _all_ of your common sense? 

Spike, shut-- Buffy doubled over again, retching but not being sick. 

All right. But how about I take you to the hospital anyway? 

Buffy stood up straight and glared at the Vampire, her eyes connected with his for a laboured second before she remembered. 

The hospital. Mom! 

Uh, yeah Slayer, lets go see your mom. 

***

The unlikely couple stumbled in through the hospital doors and doctors stood in readiness. When one tried to rush over to them the man shooed him away angrily. They looked as if they had both been badly beaten, but instead of wanting to be seen they went to the reception desk and asked for a room number. 

After a verbal battle with the secretary they got it and moved over to the elevator, which miraculously cleared when the bloodied couple walked in. As the elevator started moving up Buffy clutched her head again and gave a muted groan. Spike held her up gently, not saying a word as they had both worn out of good insults a couple of blocks away. 

When the doors opened she had to try several times before being able to stand up straight without Spike's help. As much as she had leant on him in the past few days, she now detached from the Vampire and walked along the corridor alone. Mentally, because Spike still followed. 

Reaching the right room she swallowed before opening the door, images of what her mother could look like flashing through her mind. Every child's nightmare. When finally she managed to enter, her mother was there, sitting up in bed. 

she said weakly, taking the few steps to the bed before collapsing down on it. She wrapped her arms around the older woman and totally forgot that Spike was there at all. Joyce hugged back. 

Honey, are you okay? 

She wanted to say that she was sorry for her behaviour. For her secrecy. Sorry for letting Angel in, and not blocking Angelus out. She wanted to say she was sorry for trusting a Vampire, and for being the Slayer. For not being the daughter her mother wanted. She wanted to say she was sorry because she hadn't killed him. Because she couldn't kill him. She wanted to say she was sorry because she hadn't protected her. She wanted to say sorry until everything was better and the whole world was right again. 

But she couldn't. 

I'm sorry, mom.. I'm sorry... 

Its okay honey... 

I'm sorry... I'm sorry.... I'm sorry... 

Tears fell from her eyes and she buried her head into her mom's shoulder. The older woman cradled her daughter, rubbing her back and trying desperately to comfort her. Between sobs she just kept saying that she was sorry. Joyce didn't know what for, and she couldn't make it better. 

***

In the hallway Spike drifted away from the door. The whole reunion thing made him stomach go all queasy. He wasn't sure what to do now, where to go. He sure as hell couldn't go back to the mansion, and where else was there? Did the Slayer still want him around? Perhaps he should go and tell her mates that she was okay... 

Nah. He didn't like them anyway. 

Watching the mother and daughter embrace gave him that human-like feeling of loneliness that he should abhor. He did. But not for the right reasons. He hated this town... So why did he feel so bad about leaving it? 

Spike shrugged and turned, pressing the elevator button with a strained patience. He'd figure it out on the road to LA. 

(Author's Note: I know this chapter was a long time coming, but its here! And it has the F-word in it! Sorry... On a happier note; thanks to all of my reviewers, who keep me writing and in pink pills. More soon.. I hope)


	18. Calling of Names

Calling of Names

Buttercup: You mock my pain!   
Wesley: Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.   
From The Princess Bride' 

Buffy sat up in her bed and wiped the sleep from her eyes. The room was still dark and it was probably some time in the early morning. With a yawn and a stretch she was more-or-less awake enough to see who was standing silhouetted in her doorway. 

You did it, didn't you? 

The figure of her mother walked into the room, she was dressed in a purple flannel dressing gown and was frowning. Buffy pulled back the covers cautiously and started forward. 

You _slept_ with him. Joyce accused. 

Buffy glanced across at the other body in her bed and let out a sigh. The blonde Vampire was sleeping soundly beside her, chest rising and falling. She turned back to her mother with a smile. 

No mom, I didn't sleep with Spike. 

Not him. Saturday. He's right. Joyce said impatiently, waving a hand, You slept with Angelus. 

He was asking for it. 

You _never_ gave it to him. 

You slept with him and he hurt me. Why did you do that? Did you want to hurt me? Did you want to hurt your mother? 

I didn't mean...I... Buffy gasped, tears already spotting the corners of her eyes. 

Mean? Mean? When do you mean anything? No maps, no compass, no direction. You're lost. 

Mommy, please... 

You bitch! You did this to me! You bitch! You wh-- 

***

Buffy? Honey... Wake up. 

Buffy's eyes snapped open. It was funny how people never woke up from nightmare's like they did in the movies. No springing up and screaming, just jolting awake and light and confusion. 

After the voice the first thing that Buffy became aware of was her mother. Sitting at the end of her bed with a concerned expression. She pulled herself up and checked her hair self-consciously. Glancing about she noted; no Spike. Good. 

Uh, What is it mom? 

Willow's here to see you... Are you all right? 

Yeah... Just bad dreams... 

Her mother stood up, Should I tell Willow you'll be down in a minute.. 

What? Oh, yeah. Thanks mom. 

As her mother left the room Buffy slumped back down into bed and pressed a hand to her face. What the hell had that dream been about? Sleeping with _Spike_? Ick, ew and gross in that order, possibly followed by vomiting and long prison showers. And being lost... Huh, it was strange, but probably not one of her Slayer dreams. Probably. It was just guilt or something psychological like that. 

She racked her brain as she wondered why Willow was there. It wasn't as if she was adverse to her friend stopping by, but on a Saturday morning? 

Slowly the events began to filter back into her conciseness and a resolved coldness forced her out of bed. How could she have been so wrapped up in her dream that she'd forgotten? And her mom... Oh God... what was she doing out of bed so soon? 

Buffy climbed out of bed and got dressed in record time. And considering she was a Slayer that was pretty quick. Stumbling down the stairs she noted Willow sitting alone on the bottom step. 

Hey Will, where's my mom? 

Willow's welcoming smile turned into an unhappy shame-filled frown. 

I didn't mean to get her out of bed... Its just that you, obviously, weren't up... 

It's all right Will, Buffy comforted with a smile, and sat down next to her, Is that where she's gone now? 

Buffy nodded and straightened her appearance self-consciously for a second. Tightening a hair grip, smoothing her shirt. 

Maybe I shouldn't be here, you know... 

Its okay Will, you're always perfectly welcome, and I need to make sure that _he_ won't come back... 

Willow smiled again and pulled a brown satchel out in front of her. She opened it and began rummaging around inside. 

So... You know how to do it? 

Yeah, Giles showed me the basic stuff... But you'd be surprised at how much of it was easy to guess... 

Buffy said, unable to keep the indifference out of her voice. She loved Willow, but magic was just... creepy, and probably best left to Mother-Daughter-Cheerleaders and Psycho-Halloween-British guys. 

Yeah. Lots of chemistry, math... 

That ruled it out totally for Buffy, anything that was related to school gradually made her brain tune out and think of other stuff. Like demon's beginning with F' or fifty different ways to use an axe. 

...And squaring the ingredients with-- 

Huh? What? 

Sorry Buffy, babbling about math... You want to help me get this started? 

Uh, no thanks, I'm sidelines-girl, magic all too complicated for me.. 

Willow looked as if she was about to protest. But decided against it. Trying to re-spark early-morning-Buffy's confidence while casting a de-invite spell was a little too much to take on. Besides, they had a whole day of plotting and planning to re-boost the Slayer. She pulled out the ingredients and began placing them around just as Giles had shown her. She'd been surprised at how interesting all this stuff was, perhaps she'd continue researching it after all this stuff had ended. 

Doing the de-invite spell was a good way for Willow not to feel helpless. When Buffy's mom had been attacked, and everyone had been getting ready for battle, she felt like a seventh wheel. She wasn't a fighter, and she didn't have specialist knowledge of the occult or anything. But at least now she could be helpful. 

Willow said, still spreading out a multitude of things on the floor, herbs, crosses, stones, ...What happened to Spike? 

Buffy, who had been happily thinking about other things, jumped and her foot knocked over a bottle of holy water. 

she said, her voice a little higher than usual. 

Hey, sorry, forgot it was a touchy subject--without the touching, of course--was there touching? 

I was just wondering if he was still being all strangely-nice or if he'd gone back to evil-fangy-kill-kill. Cause a girl likes to be warned. 

To be honest, I don't know. But at least evil-fangy was easier to stake. He came with me to the hospital last night, but then I guess he just wandered off. Oh God, you don't think he went on a hospital killing spree do you? 

Willow shook her head, and then off Buffy's sceptical look explained, It would've been on the news. 

Oh. Then I don't know. 

Willow nodded as she cracked a book open and began mouthing the words there, memorising. Buffy watched her for a second, pondering talking about her recent dream. But that would also probably involve talking about the second kiss. 

So, how's things with Xander? 

Oh... Usual, half the time making jokes, the other sticking his tongue down Cordelia's throat. 

Nice imagery. 

Believe me, the imagery is much better than seeing that actual thing. 

Hmm, how's things between you and Oz? 

What's that Willow, I heard you hesitate... 

Its just... he's really freaked by Miss Calendar's murder. I know we all are, but he's taking it really badly. 

But... he hardly knew her. 

Its just the death thing, I think... Willow stood up, overtly trying to change the subject, 

Right. Should I stand back or something? Buffy asked, rising as well. 

Nope, few words, Latin, herbs, crosses... then he's gone from your life. 

I wish. 

***

Spike sat on the sarcophagus, staring at the wall. _Bored out of his mind_, would be a fair assessment of his temperament. Or perhaps just _out of his mind'_. He wasn't sure why he hadn't just left Sunnyhell that night, but he kept telling himself it was because dawn would have come before he could have gotten far enough away. So now he was stuck in a crypt, watching a line of sunlight move along the wall until night-time came. 

Life as a Vampire was _great_. He was getting ready to leave his girlfriend of over a hundred years, who had never loved him, to wander the planet like some pale-Hulk. _Great_. On top of that he was turning soft, he had lost count of how many times he could have killed the Slayer and her pals but he didn't. And even innocent bystanders to his various wanderings were un-killed. What was _wrong_ with him? 

He still had a taste for blood. Killing. Screams of children. That sort of thing. But he provoked or got none of them. It was her fault. Drusilla. Ungrateful bitch. And the Bloody Slayer and her tears. And lips. And body. Ugh. He needed to be staked. Now. Because he was a disgrace to the Vampire race. 

Then again, LA could be a new start for him. He'd get over Drusilla, maybe Sire himself some bints to take her place in his bed. Yeah, get a gang and wreak havoc among the pulse-endowed. Bloody up the whole fucking world, and then maybe she'd come back, begging on her hands and knees... Wishful thinking. 

Fighting his Sire to help the Slayer? He was an f'ing freak. It had been fun. _He'd_ found it fun. Did that make him more of a freak? Probably. Usually he liked to be alternative, but this was way over the bounds. And even if he did want to help the Slayer. _WHICH HE BLOODY WELL DID NOT_. Even if he did want to help her, she'd stake him on sight. 

Maybe that would be better, get it all over with. Finished. 

***

.... God, I wish they made _nice_ men. 

Xander's nice.. Willow pointed out. 

Cordelia gave her a withering look and placed down the emery board she was holding. They were both sitting at the Library table while Giles flitted about among the stacks. 

Yeah, nice, in a spineless way. Cordelia complained before quickly amending, Not that I'm not fond of him... He should just be... more assertive or something. 

Uh huh, Willow agreed without really listening. They'd been sitting in the Library for a couple of hours and in that time Willow had perfected tuning out Cordelia's voice. The girl was constantly talking about something, or bitching. Usually as skilful mix of the two. 

Giles clomped down the steps and placed another pile of books on the table, stopping all of Cordelia's chatter. 

Do we know when Buffy will be arriving? 

Willow glanced around at the clock, Some time soon. 

Hmmm. I'm still not so sure we should be doing this so soon after-- 

Xander walked into the Library loudly, causing Giles to pause and glare. The younger man held up his hands defensively and slid into a seat next to Cordelia's, taking up her hand quickly. Giles continued. 

I suppose I should just be glad that she was not hurt last night. And that her mother is okay.. 

Have you spoken to her at all today, Giles? 

No, other than the phone call she was gracious enough to give us last night, I have not spoken to her since we were arming up. 

Found anything out about this Acattle guy? 

Acathla, and yes, quite a bit. 

Big and evil? 

Well.... I'll explain fully when Buffy arrives. 

At that moment Buffy walked into the Library quietly, her clothes untidy but her face solemn. 

Timing thy name is Buffy. Xander remarked, while Cordelia said sarcastically, 

Its like a sitcom.. 

Buffy ignored both of their comments and strode towards Giles, she was clearly not in a joking mood. Willow noted that she looked less relaxed than she had that morning, but decided not to question. 

So, Giles, what've we got..? 

Ehem, well, Acathla. He pulled off his glasses and began polishing. Acathla was a demon who was brought forth to destroy the world. But he was slain by a knight before he could draw breath to commit the act. He was turned to stone and buried for all eternity. 

Except that Angel must have found him somehow... 

Yes. And my best bet would be that Angel plans to reawaken the demon so that he can complete his task. 

..And then no more world. How do we stop him? 

Well.... you would need to kill... Angel before he can cast the spell. 

Hmm. Are you sure its that easy Giles? I mean... if that is all we have to do then why did Angel tell us about Acathla in the first place? Why not just do it? 

I must confess I-- 

Its the Hitchcock factor. Xander said softly, then took in the blank looks and explained patiently, Alfred Hitchcock always said that the event itself wasn't that scary, it was the built up to it. The suspense. Knowledge of what was about to happen but no way to change it. 

Great. _Now_ Angel chooses to go all silver screen on us. 

Huh. But slightly flawed by the fact that, hello, we figured it out already.. Cordelia pointed out. 

Yes... Does seem careless.. Giles mused. 

Well, whatever it is. We kill Angel and everything's good again. Buffy stated, before drawing breath to address another issue. 

Uh, Buffy, you're forgetting our other problem. 

What? What other problem? 

Kakeaner. That other evil dude. Xander supplied as both Cordelia and Willow held up news articles noting seven other deaths. 

Buffy sunk into a chair and Willow shot her an apologetic look. Giles, taking Buffy's stationary form as a sign to continue began to speak again. 

We have located the necessary spell to make the abstract material, but... have no-one to cast it. And even than the beast will need a Slayer to destroy it, with probably all of our help as well. 

Giles... We can't fight them both at the same time... 

The group fell into silence. No-one had mentioned the absence of Oz, but it was becoming a regular thing. Not that he usually made his presence known anyway, he was usually quite silent. 

Buffy stared down at the table in front of her. It had been hard to come here this afternoon, when the night before she was swearing to have Angelus's blood on her hands, and now she was here again having failed. Failed her mom, her friends, and now it seemed the world as well. 

She should have known better than to date a Vampire, what good could have come of that? She kept saying that she wanted to be a normal girl and yet her boyfriend was undead. Former boyfriend. Because from now on things were really going to change. She looked around at her friends and felt the guilt stab her stomach again. Because she'd gotten them into this, she would have to get them out. 

Buffy stood and all eyes turned to her, 

Right. I've got a plan. Willow.. her gaze fixed on the redhead, You were pretty good with that magic stuff this morning, you can do the spell. Even as Willow started to protest Buffy continued, Giles, call Kendra and get her here, she can fight Angelus with you, Xander, Oz and Cordelia. More protesting, I will be fighting this bigger evil... All you guys have got to do is stake a Vamp. 

A small voice in her head pointed out that she was actually getting them to fix her problem rather than doing it herself. _So what?_ She'd had enough of fighting Angelus to last a lifetime, she just wanted him dead. Gone. Out of her life for real. 

_And you can't do it yourself, so you're making your friends. What a _**_hero_**_._

Buffy sighed and was half-way to withdrawing her orders before Xander spoke. 

Uh, Buffster, this is a great plan and all... And we're all aboard... But you can't fight Kack-anna alone. 

_Thank God._

I won't. 

Well, we're all accounted for, so who else is there? 

Buffy didn't answer, instead she produced a stake from a pocket and examined it. The group stared at her for a long while before Xander, as usual, broke the silence, 

Uh... Buffy... 

Buffy finally seemed to snap out of it. Whatever it was. And said offhandedly, still staring at the stake. 

Where's Spike? 

(Author's Note: Yep. Its getting closer to that time. What time? You'll have to wait and see. I trust I'm being obscure. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far, it inspires me to write more.)


	19. Blindness

Blindness

_If I hurt you   
Then I'd hate myself   
I don't wanna hate myself   
Don't wanna hurt you._   
Your Winter' by Sister Hazel 

How can a Vampire be so hard to find? I mean, in the world-of-Buffy Vampires spring up like daisies... But go looking for one and ooh, no, haven't seen him'.. 

Buffy was aware that her ranting was perhaps a little loud, and might be the reason that people were dodging her on the street, but she was angry and so didn't care. How _could_ one bloodsucking fiend be so hard to track? Especially one so ostentatious as Spike. 

She was trying mostly to block out some of the more rational thoughts that were plaguing her mind. Like; _You need the help of a Vampire?_ Or; _You need the help of Spike?_ She was gradually working out that if she overanalysed things nothing happened. So instead she just began humming the Barney tune as she made her way to Willy's Place. 

Yo Slayer! Hey Slayer! How're you doing Slayer? Willy yelled into the almost silent bar. Soon enough chairs were scraping and people, or rather demons, were making their quiet please-don't-kill-me ways out. Buffy didn't really care, most of Willy's clientele were harmless anyway. 

Hey Willy.. Buffy leant up against the bar, I'm looking for a Vampire... 

Thought you would be Slayer. So I did some checking around since your last visit.. and guess what? I found out where your Vamp is, really swanky place and everything.. Its a mansion-- 

Too late Willy, I'm looking for a different Vampire. 

Willy deflated. Who this time? 

Blonde, about so tall.. Buffy raised a hand above her head vaguely, Cute in a homicidal kinda way, wears a lot of black... Goes by the name of Spike. 

You've just described all of my blood-rat customers to a T, but I know who you're looking for Slayer. William the Bloody? Used to hang out with Angelus's crowd... 

Yes. Willy. Where is he? Buffy said testily. 

Dunno Slayer, haven't got a clue... Have you checked with his chick? Uh... Drusilla I think. 

No, he won't be there. 

Well, sorry I couldn't help you Slayer. Bye. 

Buffy's eyes narrowed and she leant over a little more on the bar so that her face was close to the barkeeper's. 

You know, Willy, I sometimes feel like you're not being quite honest with me... 

Willy stuttered nervously, Why's that Slayer? 

I dunno, maybe because you're never honest with me..? Do I have to get violent again, cause it just wastes my precious time and your precious blood... 

O-Okay Slayer, you got me... He came in here last night, well, more like early morning... 

Buffy prompted as Willy went silent. 

An' he said he was gonna leave Sunnydale, go to LA or something... There was a lot of customers that night.. 

You know where he is now? 

Willy picked up a glass and began to polish it neurotically. 

Willy? _Willy_... 

Crypt in the Munhale Cemetery.... Don't tell him I told you, he'll kill me... 

No he won't. 

Are you kidding? William the _Bloody_! Only thing he likes more than killing is fu-- 

Thanks Willy Buffy said quickly and turned to find the bar completely empty. It was surprising how demon's disappeared when you _didn't_ want them to. 

Whatever Slayer... Willy breathed as he watched the blond leave. He moved to the side door to check if anyone was hanging around outside. They weren't. He sighed and moved back behind the bar, anticipating another night of low-takings. 

***

The Slayer burst through the crypt door and Spike leapt to his feet. The cigarette that he had been smoking falling from his lips. He immediately moved around to the opposite side of the sarcophagus. 

You got a funny way of proving the existence of deja-vu Slayer... he jibed wearily. 

Buffy paused mid-stride and crossed her arms over her chest defensively, sticking her chin up in the air and saying coldly, 

This is going to be _nothing_ like our last time in a crypt. 

Oh? So you didn't come here to ask for my help then? 

Exactly. What's wrong now? The poof asked you to marry him and you want me to be ring bearer? 

She only had to take a couple of strides forward to backhand the obnoxious Vampire. He barely turned his head from the hit, his face only gaining a satisfied look and a smirk. 

Next we talk, then we kiss and then you run away. 

...And you watch me go... 

Following you would be pointless. 

Or pointy. Buffy drew out the stake. 

Ah, that's why you're here then? Stake the bad old Vamp? We had a deal.. 

Angelus isn't dead. 

Well... The best laid plans of Slayers and Vampires... 

I'm not here to stake you. 

Then why the wood? 

Just in case. 

They both paused and regrouped. Sometimes it was tiring to spend so long at each others throats. Spike pulled out another cigarette and Buffy hauled herself up to sit on one corner of the sarcophagus, facing the Vampire. 

So... How'd you find me Slayer? 

Willy the Snitch... snitched. And it wasn't that hard to work out, every time we meet it seems to be around dead things. After all, you are dead. 

Uh huh. Astute observation. Why _are_ you here? 

Buffy stayed silent, considering. She was trying to work out an answer that wouldn't make him smirk and say I told you so'. Annoying bloodsucker. 

...To piss you off... 

But you do that by just existing. Spike persevered, 

Well, uh, if you really want to know... Buffy widened her eyes, then said deadpan I think you're kinda cute. 

_Slayer_, I don't have time for your games. Stake me. Beat me up. Fuck me. Whatever. Just do it and make it good. 

All right Spike. You were right. I did come here for your help. But a few minutes in your presence has reminded me why I _so_ do not need it. She drew a quick breath, Now get out of my town or I _will_ stake you. 

_Or_ you will stake me? Or? Real convincing. I think that if you wanted to stake me, you'd have tried already. He paused, eyes becoming interested, You really need my help, huh? 

I don't need _anything_ from you, Spike. 

Yea. You keep telling me that. And then you ask for my help. I might start not believing such a paragon of truthfulness as yourself Slayer. 

Buffy clenched and unclenched her jaw. It would be so much easier just to stake him, or at least knock him about a little, but she did need him. It was... disgusting to be dependent on a Vamp, but it was true. Slowly she sighed and leant forward in a less defensive gesture. 

Okay. Fine. I need your help to fight this otherworldly-shapeshifting-beast-thing. Its out in the woods... 

Not biting. Spike flashed his game face for a second, Figuratively speaking. 

I hired you to save the world! 

No. You hired me to kill your ex. 

...Well, he is still not dead yet... And I want to use your skills elsewhere.. 

Spike tilted his head to one side, an honest look of enquiry in his eyes. 

How long is this going to take..? 

It'll only take a few-- 

No. No. I mean... How many times are you going to need my help? Am I always gonna be hanging around with the promise of no stakings before bedtime? I have other plans you know. I can't always be here to save your ass Slayer. 

Oh. As if I'll ever need you again _Spike_. This is just... different. Afterwards I'd better not see you back here unless its blowing in the wind. 

Spike made a spluttered noise of anger and disgust. This Slayer was a bloody piece of work. One minute asking for his help the next threatening him. _And the kissing, don't forget that._ Its almost as if the fake-blonde had more than one thought in her head at once. Huh. 

Firstly, Slayer, stop threatening me... You _need_ me. So be nice.. He smirked, And secondly as soon as this job is done.. I'm out of here.. Gone. Honestly, all this talk of coming back might get a Vamp thinking your gonna miss him. 

As if. Buffy said tiredly, after a long deliberating pause So.. You're going to help then? 

Yeah. But Buffy.. 

Uh, Slayer... This _is_ my last job for you. Don't think I'm gonna stay around Sunnyhell just because you want me to... 

Why would I..? 

Spike's eyes widened for a moment and he ran a hand over his hair. Being a Vampire he was allowed to be sinful, and therefore vain. After a few breaths of indecision he simply let out a sigh and said. 

All right. Yeah. Count me in on the killing of woodland animals... 

Buffy nodded, relieved, pushed herself off the sarcophagus and began pacing slowly in front of the Vampire. He, by contrast, relaxed up against the wall and lit the almost forgotten cigarette. After a few moments she laid out the next step to him. 

Right. Come to the Library tomorrow night and we'll plan everything there. 

Riiight. So I'm just going to walk into a room full of your mates with long pointy stakes. Sure Slayer. 

They won't hurt you. 

Damn straight. 

So what's your worry? 

What is this thing we've got to fight? Spike said, changing the subject. 

Buffy turned and began to walk out before his next question stopped her. 

What makes you think I won't just come and drain you and all of your mates? 

You won't she answered simply. 

Oh? Why? 

Buffy paused and considered, she turned her head slightly and looked him in the eye. She muttered a few words before hurrying out, her mind already on other things. Leaving Spike staring after her his face quickly going through the emotions of shock, anger and disdain in that order. And her words on repeat in his head. 

You've changed. 

***

The girl was walking along the sidewalk next to the Cemetery. Her blonde hair whipped about her shoulders in a slight breeze and her dress suggested that she was either coming back from a night of partying or beginning one. _Perfect candidate_, the Vampire sited. He stepped forward into her path, causing her to let out a little shriek. He saw her eyes roam him first wearily, then appreciatively. 

...You scared me.. she said in a Southern accent, her lips curling at the corners into a coy smile. 

murmured the Vampire, returning the smile. 

Its all right... the girl pulled the strap of a small bag up her shoulder and glanced about, You just hear about a lot of strange things going on around here... 

the Vampire agreed, his voice still low and his gaze fixed on her intently. 

Huh, for someone who seems to want to talk to me you're being awfully silent... The girl said, indicating him still blocking her path. 

You want me to move? The Vampire asked, not waiting a moment before stepping in closer to the girl. She giggled nervously but otherwise seemed to be suddenly struck dumb. Finally the Vampire perked up. 

I am really sorry for... scaring you. I just saw you and I knew I had to... talk to you. His words were measured and his voice soothingly hypnotic. 

was all that the girl could manage. He could smell her fear, at first faintly and then as if she'd bathed in sweat. He was an expert at this, and he'd lost count of how many times he'd performed the same routine. Perhaps it was time to get a new act? But if it worked... 

The girl tried to take a step back, the pupil's of her green eyes dilated with fear. His hand shot out and grabbed her arm in a bruising grip. 

Hey! Get off me! the girl struggled for a second before resorting to digging her fingernails into the Vampire's hand. He just chuckled and in a second slid back the human mask that covered his real face. She grew limp. 

Y-Your face.... Its changed. You-You've changed... 

The blonde hair fell away from the girl's neck as she tilted it back and he swept forward. The canines that had been aching against his lower lip now pressed against the smooth skin of her throat. She whimpered and he twisted her around, gripping her with both hands, one on her arm and the other in her hair, holding her head back. 

He licked the place where the pulse was strongest, a hastened beat vibrating the skin. Then he forced the two elongated teeth into her jugular. He yanked his head back twice in quick succession to widen the holes as her eyes rolled in her head. Her mouth open in a silent scream. His canines retracted quickly and he fixed his mouth around the two gashes. Sweet, young, alive blood spilt onto his tongue immediately, a single dribble escaping and trickling around the stunned girl's neck and dripping onto the ground below her. The Vampire rocked her body gently, stimulating the blood around her system as he tried to get every drop. Once the girl was drained she was dropped carelessly to the floor, slumping in an ungainly pile. 

Spike straightened up and wiped a finger around the outside of his mouth to catch any stray droplets, a smug smirk graced his lips and he offered a rebuttal to the dead girl's last statement. 

Yeah. That's what everyone keeps saying. 

(Author's Note: Uhhhh.....)

(Author's Side Note: Thanks for the all the reviews so far.)


	20. Crumbling

Crumbling

_Cause I still have a secret   
In the dark I keep it close   
I still have a secret no one knows   
I may crack, but I'll never shatter_   
Shatter' by Meredith Brooks 

Hey Will! 

Willow turned in the corridor and beamed at Buffy. The other girl was looking pristinely groomed and Willow decided that it was a nice for her best friend. Buffy so rarely got a chance to look pretty around demons and weapons. The blonde girl caught up with her friend and they began to walk together to lunch, falling into step. 

So, what's up? 

Instead of answering Willow pulled her bag off her shoulder and while still walking extracted a newspaper from it. She turned over several pages before pointing out a pictureless article. 

Looks like another killing from our abstract. And this time in town. Am I the only one bothered by the fact that deaths are so common in Sunnydale that they don't even make the front page anymore? 

Buffy took the paper from Willow and peered at the article for a moment before pointing out several choice statements. 

Neck wounds... Blood loss... Looks more like a Vampire attack. 

Yeah. But you were patrolling last night. 

Buffy grimaced, But no stakage. 

No Vamps? 

There was a Vampire. But only the annoying bleached kind. Not the bitey kind. 

They can't be the same thing...? Willow said carefully. 

What? No. I don't think this was the work of Spike. 

Oh... Well, I suppose its good that our new creature hasn't moved yet... 

Dammit... I should have patrolled last night. I just thought... Ugh. Now Spike's getting in the way of my work! 

And yet strangely you never get this upset when he's getting in the way of your _school_work. Willow said lightly, Besides, you can't stake every Vamp in Sunnydale. 

But Will... This girl is now dead because of me. Because I wanted to get home and sleep rather than wander the streets. 

This is not your fault. You can't save everyone Buffy... 

I know... But.... Why not? 

Willow shrugged at her friend sadly, she had no answer for that one. The two girls turned, walked into the dining hall and sought out a spare table. Xander, Cordelia and Oz joined them almost straight away. The conversation revolved around menial things and Buffy stayed silent, smiling at the jokes flung around but not really listening. She'd perfected that little move a few months ago. It was easier to pretend to be happy than to answer the continuous volley of questions about why she wasn't. She appreciated her friends concern, it just got annoying, especially seeing as they could never understand what it was like. To be her. 

_Great way to be pretentious Buff. Just great._

***

Another, Willy... 

Uh... Yeah... Sure Spike. 

Willy took the glass tentatively from the blonde and refilled it. He slid the container back and the Vampire lifted it up to his mouth in one swift movement. Willy watched, his left hand pressed against a cloth on the bar and making nervous circling motions--cleaning. Spike eyed the slimy little snitch as the alcohol burned his throat. He smacked his hand down and caught stilled barkeeper's. 

That was a pretty full glass Willy... You feeling generous or guilty? 

Willy grinned nervously, What do I have to be guilty about...? 

How about you telling the Slayer where I was. Spike's eyes narrowed mercilessly. 

The light chatter in the bar stopped and slowly eyes turned towards the pair. The demons put up with Willy because he sold good stuff at low prices, but setting the Slayer onto a demon was unacceptable. Some of the audience glanced at the door, wondering if they should escape, and some leant back in their chairs waiting for the entertainment to start. 

W-W-What? I wouldn't... 

Spike pulled back his hand and brought it to his forehead. He rubbed his temple as if a headache was forming there. Willy moved a few steps back then shifted on his feet, anticipating an attack. After a laboured moment Spike gestured to the empty glass in front of him. 

Fill er up, Willy... 

***

You know, Buffy, Vampires don't usually come out in the daytime.. 

Buffy span around and couldn't help the smile that spread across her face. She had been wandering through a graveyard or two after school but before dark just... Looking. Or that was what she maintained. 

she shrieked and moved forward to hug the girl that had snuck up on her. 

Kendra smiled, but backed away from the contact politely. The two girls glanced each other over. Looking not only at clothes but also movements, checking fitness and agility just by the way they stood on the springy graveyard moss. 

You look well. Kendra finally said, approvingly. 

So do you. Buffy countered. Her eyes drifted to the suspicious looking bag hanging by the other girl's thigh, I didn't know this was B.Y.O.W. she said, grinning. 

Kendra stared at her for an uncomprehending second before catching on and reaching into the black bag. She pulled out a long, thin sword. Holding it up in the light, and both Slayers admired its craftsmanship, Kendra for its strength and Buffy for its... shininess. She wasn't much of a weapons expert. Call her shallow. 

It is for fighting the demon.. she turned the blade over, If we cannot stop Angelus in time den dis may close the portal... I tink... 

Well... Its always good to have a back-up. But I have faith in you.. and my friends. 

...I am still not very sure about fighting with dem.. 

They know what they're doing. Most of the time. And they'll be good back-up. 

But what if one of them dies? 

Well, you're there to make sure that doesn't happen. If I didn't care about them then I wouldn't have called for you. she paused and considered, Sorry. Its just... You're not just there to slay Angelus, you're there to protect them. 

...I'm not trained to-- she started disdainfully. 

I know. Call me Buffy the life councillor. Learn how to work with them. You might like it. 

Kendra nodded obediently and Buffy was reminded of just how silent the other girl could be when she wanted to. Perhaps it was Slayer training, Giles _was_ always telling her to be quiet. Hmm. 

***

Willow knocked softly on the door. She knew that Oz's parents were out and so the only person who could possibly answer the door was her boyfriend. If he answered. He had been acting so strangely lately. And for a werewolf that fights evil, strange is strange. She felt like she should be doing more to help him. But she didn't know what. It was probably one of those things that they'd taught in school when she'd had that _one_ sick day in the second grade. Like How to be popular'. 

Soft footsteps were the only warning she had before the door swung open. Oz stood bleary eyed before her, his spiked orange hair looking a little flat. At the sight of her he smiled, but even that couldn't light up the bags under his eyes. 

Hey Will. 

Hey, Oz, whatcha doin'? 

Hanging out, you know... At my house. You? 

Hanging out, you know... At your house. 

They both grinned. Oz dragged a hand through his hair and Willow rearranged the books in her arms. Oz noticed. 

Yeah. I thought you could help. Being all cute and clever and stuff... 

Mmm. Will, you're cuter and smarter... What's the real reason? 

I just feel like.. she ducked her head, ..We haven't seen much of each other recently. 

Will. I see you everyday... 

Would it be too corny of her to say But I don't see you'? That was what it felt like sometimes. At least knowing that it bothered her would show him that she cared right? Or was it uncool to care? Commitment and stuff. 

I just want us to be honest with each other. she blurted out. 

Right. So why don't you honestly tell me why you're here. 

Will. Its okay. As long as you didn't come with bullets of silver there's nothing you can say that could make me run. 

Are you all right? Willow brushed back a strand of hair, I've been worried about you. You skip loads of school. And its not like I care about that especially. Education _is _important. But its not that. I never see you. And as you're not having an affair--right?--I worry about what you're doing... How you're handling all of this... What's.. wrong? 

Oz reached out and pulled her hand into his. His head tilted down, his eyes darted about, avoiding his girlfriend's figure nervously. She waited patiently until his soft sigh told her that he was really ready to speak. His gaze levelled and their eyes met. 

Things are just so surreal. But not. You know? I mean, three nights of the month I black out with no knowledge of what I'm doing. What if I escape and hurt someone? And its not even just that. Its the feeling that my life isn't my own. Like _its_ taking over. And I can't fight it. He took a breath. It would be nice for it to have been shaky, but this was Oz, he started again. I didn't know her well. But she was, real, you know? And now she's gone. And dead. Should I feel guilty because I didn't know her? Or because I grieve when she didn't even know me. 

And you're probably wondering why I'm talking so much about reality. Right? I mean, ours is kinda skewed.. I talk about it because... sometimes I don't feel real. I _am_ a werewolf, am I even real? Perhaps this is just a teenage thing. Yeah? Hormonal depression and-- 

Oz! Oz. Willow squeezed his hand hard and he stopped speaking. His eyes lost their misty look. She smiled, That's probably the most I've heard you speak, ever. 

He returned the smile, distantly. 

Oz, I love you, and what you're feeling. I'm feeling too. Not the werewolf thing. But the other stuff. I think its right to feel like that. Perhaps not right, but normal. You know? We can get through it together... 

His hand lost grip of hers and their fingers brushed against each other tentatively as the parted. He took a step backward into his house, and again his eyes weren't meeting hers. 

I love you, Will, but... But I don't _know_. He looked up and seconds before shutting the door murmured, I'm sorry. 

***

Oz pondered leaning up against the closed door, but it seemed kinda cliché, you know? Like he'd just dumped the love of his life. She was the love of his life, but there was no dumping. He just needed to sort his head out, and as much as telling her the problem had probably relieved some tension on his part, there was still a lot more to get through. 

What she'd said had... Made him angry. Cold, not hot. Perhaps he was just too self-involved, but it hurt him when she said that the feelings he was having were normal. Because he didn't want to be normal. No-one did really, did they? They always wanted to be prettier, or smarter or... something else better. Individual, that was it. It occurred to him that he was being stupid. He just shut the door on _Willow_. What if she was crying... 

It was better. The werewolf stuff that she'd blaséd was pretty crucial. He didn't want to hurt her. Ever. _Great way to show it. _

Oz reached over and picked up his guitar from its home by the stairs. He was going to skip the Dingo's practice that night for the meeting, but... He wasn't sure he'd be that welcome. So he'd go and practice chords, and continue to be an idiot. After all, he did do that so well. 

***

Seems like you need to make a choice.. 

Spike raised his head from the bar and dragged his eyes open. His mouth tasted like an alcohol filled ash tray and he couldn't tell how long he'd been sleeping. Or even if he'd been sleeping at all. 

Your hypothetical question? The answer is that you need to make a choice. 

He blinked around, wondering if someone was speaking to him, and if they were how quickly he could kill them and fall asleep again. Slowly the bartenders mouth swum into view, moving as he polished a glass. Spike groaned. 

Willy. What t' ell are you talkin' about? 

The bartender took a careful step back. That was the first words the Vampire had spoken consciously in a couple of hours after threatening to kill everyone who spoke over his hangover. He'd muttered a lot, and that was the usual way that Willy got his information, from the mouths of drunken barflies, but he didn't think Spike would be too keen on the idea of being... pumped. Still, to lie might also be death-inducing. 

Your problem with the girl-- 

Suddenly Spike was very awake. What had he talked about? And who to? He couldn't remember anything, and that was a sure sign of trouble as he usually had a good memory. 

What girl? He snapped angrily. 

We don't know.. a gruff voice to his right husked, Never said her name. Spike turned his head and took in the seven foot Minot demon that was now continuing thoughtfully, Wish you had. Sounds like a nice bit of-- 

Hey, Dan, Daniel... Willy intervened diplomatically, Don't want to get Spike all angry now, do you? 

Oh. Please. I wouldn't fight someone called Daniel even if my unlife depended on it. Demon has to have some standards. 

The Minot, Daniel, snorted into his drink but ducked his head in an indication that he would remain silent for the rest of the day. Apart from his extreme height and horn in the middle of his forehead he was almost exactly human. And in no way strong enough to fight the Vampire. Even if he was pissed. 

Now. Willy. What do I have to chose between? Spike asked frostily. 

Well, uh.. Willy slid the Vampire another glass of alcohol hopefully, This girl and your... uh... other stuff. Your past. 

Spike stared at the drink for a moment before chucking, Yeah. Change for a girl, and how whipped would that make me? 

Several other demons around the bar laughed appreciatively. 

Suddenly Spike paled, if that is even possible, and his eyes darted around the room desperately. After a few moments of frantic searching he fixed his gaze on Willy who shrunk back from the concern in the Vampire's eyes before he asked. 

What time is it? 

(Author's Note: So Jaymi, when you say angst you really mean... _Melodrama, yes._ Uh huh. Okay. Its apology time. Its been one week since my last... update and I feel terrible about it. I had a severe case of writers block. I'd like to promise a finish date or something but.... well, see WITW AS3. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far, its bread and water.)


	21. Normandy

Normandy

_Hold your head high   
Don't look down   
I'm by your side   
Won't back down   
You wanted a hero tonight_   
Made Of Steel' by Our Lady Peace 

Where's the bloodrat? 

He'll be here Xander. Or rather, he'd better be here. 

I still don't see why we need him, at all. 

Buffy sighed and leant up against one of the stacks. Her and Xander had been desperately searching through books up until about half-an-hour ago when they'd given up. Then the sun had started to go down and people had started to arrive. Now the only two missing were Oz and Spike. 

Because we have no idea how strong this thing is going to be, and I might need back-up. 

So take Kendra. Or one of us. You can't be saying that it would be safer taking _him_ than us? 

Safer for you guys. Kinda.. Seeing as you will be fighting Angelus. 

Hmm. Not seeing the logic here Buffy. 

Do you think Vampire's have watches? Buffy asked hastily. 

What? Oh. Dunno. Though it would be good for my thriving black market business if they did. Stake one, steal his watch... 

Okay, it sounded more dangerous than non existent'. 

He must have a stake-wish. I hope he does know he's late. And that he's panicking. 

Doubt it Buff. Unless some giant white Harvey-style rabbit is chasing him informing him of the fact. I'd be panicking. 

Hmm. I don't really _care_, Xander. Its just that we need all of the group on board. Even if Spike's not part of the gang, it would be stupid to go in one man down. 

***

Willow curled up in the Library chair and pushed her head further into the book. If anyone had been paying attention it would be obvious that she was not reading, her nose was almost touching the pages, but they weren't. Giles was flitting around collecting weapons and books from obscure parts of the Library, being dogged by Kendra who on occasion shot questions at him. Buffy and Xander were up in the stacks and Cordelia was staring boredly, her eyes only half open, at a book in front of her. While Buffy seemed to be annoyed by the absence of Spike, no-one had asked yet about Oz. 

It was hard for Willow not to think about her boyfriend, even if they were teetering on the edge of two apocalypses. She didn't think that she had been dumped, but she didn't really understand. And that was the problem. Why couldn't she understand Oz? Was she so... defective? The things that he had told her made her worry for him, but there was no way that she'd be able to talk to him again tonight. He seemed to have made up his mind that they needed a break from each other. Fine. 

Buffy, I think we should start the meeting now. If Spike's coming he'll be here. Giles called in the direction of Buffy and Xander's voices, breaking Willow from her inner monologue. Slowly the two friends poked their heads around a stack. 

All right Giles. Buffy replied, before muttering rather audibly, Damn Vampire. 

Cordelia slammed her books shut with obvious relish and sighed, as Xander slid into a seat next to her, their hands immediately intertwining. 

Each member of the gang found a seat and used it except for Kendra and Giles. Giles stood at the head of the table with Kendra just behind. Perhaps it wasn't polite to sit when someone stood where she was from. Who knows? Everyone looked towards Giles. He blinked several times, removed his glasses, cleaned them, and placed them back on just as he started to speak. 

The allegorical beast--Kakeaner--as we aptly dubbed him, has been relentless in its, uh, pursuit of death. This morning three teenagers were found in the woods. 

Willow questioned. 

I'm afraid so. Their deaths, though tragic, do show us that the beast is still in the forest... and therefore easier to find than if... Giles paused and considered. 

He was not? Xander supplied. 

Well, yes. As you all know Buffy--we have decided to split into two groups. One to conquer Kakeaner and the other, Angelus. There will be a Slayer in each group and..uh.. 

Buffy stood and took over the floor authoritatively, Kendra quirked an eyebrow but stayed silent. It was becoming apparent that this girl was not the same one that she had met a few months ago, intent on saving her boyfriend. She was now a killer, a true Slayer. And all Kendra's worries about killing the once loved Vampire disappeared. 

And you guys all know your jobs. Xander and Cordelia, stick close to Kendra, stake as many Vamps as possible but don't go for Angelus or Drusilla... Leave them to the Slayer. Willow, you're here casting spells. Giles will be on Angelus duty which leaves Spike and I kicking immaterial ass. Assuming he ever turns up. 

Wait.. Buff, we're doing this tonight? 

You can think of a better time? 

Oh, how about when we're... prepared! 

Xander. You are. Buffy glanced at the whole group and said with certainty, You all are. You can do this. I have faith in you. 

Faith: belief in the unbelievable. Nice. But Mr Motivator speech aside Buffy, I still think we should wait... I mean, we have school tomorrow and everything. 

The longer we wait the more people who die. 

Call me selfish, but if we go now the dead people could be us. 

No one is going to die if we act now. Buffy stated, Xander began to argue again but she shot him a glare, No one. There will be _no_ dead people here. 

The door to the Library smashed open and in strode Spike. He seemed perfectly unaware of the noise he made or the stares he was getting. His gaze only focusing on the Slayer. The blonde Slayer that is. He walked over to her as if he was about to say something, but instead just stared. 

Its nice to have an exception to prove the rule.. Xander commented quietly. 

What are you looking at, Spike? And why are you late? 

Didn't give me a time luv. 

Ugh.. Have you been drinking? She questioned with a disgusted expression, then added as an afterthought, Don't call me 

If Spike had been about to make an apology all words were stilled in his throat by the stake suddenly being pressed to his chest. In truth he probably was just about to make another smart-assed comment and drag out the time again anyway. Kendra glared up at the Vampire and pushed the stake a little further into his clothes. 

What's with the wannabe, Slayer? he finally managed to say. 

Buffy considered saving Spike for a second, but at least having a stake jabbed to his heart was making him a little more serious. A little. She leant up against the table, facing Spike and away from the majority of the group who seemed to be watching with interest. 

She's the real deal Spike, another Slayer, don't you remember? Church, Angel, organ? Buffy made a squishing motion with her hands and enjoyed the look that crossed Spike's face. 

Should I stake him now, Buffy? Have you got the information you require? 

Oh, Kendra, this is Spike. I'll be fighting Kakeaner with him while you kill Angelus. 

But he is a Vampire. I fought with him the last time I was here. He is evil. 

All true, but we made a.... a kind of deal. He's strong, in an annoying kind of way.. and he's expendable. 

Kendra withdrew the stake hesitantly, her eyes never leaving the Vampire. He might be helping' now, but there had to be some other reason behind it. Maybe she was wrong about Buffy's maturation, she'd watch this Vampire. 

I suppose so... she agreed reluctantly, And afterwards you'll stake him? 

Vampire standing right here. Spike waved his hands, Besides. Stake me? In her dreams. 

Oh. Poor Spike. Don't be disappointed, but I _never_ dream of you. 

Like hell-- 

As exciting as this all is. Slaying. Big Evil. Apocalypse. So maybe you two can save the Jerry Springer audition for later--and what the hell have you done to your hair? Cordelia intervened, the last comment winning her a bearing of teeth from Spike, but it pulled both fake blonde's out of insult mode. 

Yeah. Whatever. Buffy mumbled softly before addressing the group again, So we attack in two groups while Willow casts the spell... Giles, we need to know more about this... 

The spell? Well, its fairly simple. I'll give you one talisman from a pair and you'll take it out on your hunt for the beast. Willow will keep the other one and cast the spell around it. As they are twins your talisman will also be affected and you just need to.. throw it.. he punctuated this with a throwing motion, ..at the beast and that should make it... fightable. 

Why can't she just cast the spell on it now and then help out you guys? 

Because the spell has to be active as the talisman touches the beast. She has to be casting it at the time. 

How will we know when its active? 

It will...uh...glow. 

So... Wait... The Slayer kept me from leaving town to fight some woodland animal that dies from having shiny rocks thrown at it? How have you been training this girl Watcher? 

As it is hardly your concern Spike, and you clearly don't know what you're talking about I suggest you _shut up_. 

Ah-ha, testy-- 

Spike, shut up. The talisman doesn't kill it, it just makes it material so that we can fight it. _That_ is where you come in. Buffy explained. 

Its so nice to be needed. So while we're frolicking in the woods the other bint will be killing Angelus will she? 

Spike stayed strangely silent, but there was an obvious look of disbelief on his features. It was lucky that most of the group did not care what the Vampire thought or said, but Buffy picked up on it. She'd talk to him. Talk to him about what? His manners? It wasn't as if he was sticking around long enough for it to matter. Or for him to care. Maybe she'd just stake him after the battle, like Kendra had suggested. 

After a moment of silence from the group Cordelia and Xander leant in to whisper to each other and other private conversations sprouted up around the room. Spike and Buffy observed it all in quip-free silence for only a moment before... 

You name the demon all by yourself Slayer? 

Giles named it, actually. 

Figures. Evil man. he snorted. 

Just... shut up. 

Great come back. Practice that at home did you? 

Actually I practice punching you in the face, but seeing as I need to exploit you I don't think it would be a good idea. 

Exploit me? Interesting choice of works... Come on Slayer, one little hit won't hurt. You know you want to. 

You're sick Spike. You want me to hit you? 

What can I say? It-- Her fist connected with his face with a satisfying smack, she smirked but he barely jerked away, instead continuing to speak --turns me on. 

Buffy looked disgusted. 

Spike licked his lips suggestively, teasing her a little more before becoming serious. Enough foreplay, Slayer... Grab your weapons and lets go. 

Its what you wanted, right? 

Well....Yeah. Yes. Okay. Is now a good time Giles? 

What? Oh, as good as any Buffy. Giles said, pulling out of a conversation with Kendra. 

Is everyone else ready? 

We'll leave a little after you... get Willow set up and everything first. 

Buffy nodded and disappeared into the cage and started rifling through weapons with heavy clinking noises. Giles bent in to talk to Willow who had been strangely silent for a while now. A battle axe slid out of the cage and across the floor dangerously just before Buffy appeared again. 

What do you want, Spike? 

Don't need any weapons. 

I thought they made you _feel_ all manly? 

There are _other_ things that make-- 

All right! Geeze. Lets go already! Buffy almost shouted as she picked up the axe from the floor. Spike nodded, wisely not saying anything and just turning towards the door. 

Uh, Buffy, wait. Giles intervened, straightening and walking over to her. He pulled a circle of clay from his pocket, smaller than the palm of his hand and with a symbol stamped onto it, This is the talisman. 

Thanks Giles. Buffy glanced at the group, Good luck everyone... then specifically to Kendra, Take care of them.. 

I shall. 

You up to it Willow? Willow, where's Oz? Buffy asked, the two questions coming in quick succession as she realised the usually silent boy was missing. 

Uh...he's just... Late. I'll call him. 

Good. Everyone meet up here afterwards! Buffy called, barely listening to Willow's answer as she walked towards the door. Her last words were shouted before she exited after Spike. 

Silence descended upon the room as each friend looked at each other. They were left without their leader and frankly, it was frightening. Somehow they knew that they should be moving, but none wanted be the first to say it. Slowly Willow rose from her seat and said softly, 

I'll call Oz. 

(Author's Note: No need to say anything. Self-Flagellating now. Thanks for all the reviews people.)


	22. Broken Wings

Broken Wings

_Every waking moment I...   
Fly too fast and soar too high...   
Drifting further from your love...   
Forgetting why I'm meant to fly..._

Willow shut the door to Giles's office firmly. It was comfortably tidy if a little snug. It wasn't as if the people in the Library were making a lot of noise, but Willow's insistence that they were had driven her into the office, and privacy. She needed to call Oz, but she wasn't sure if he'd be too happy about that, and she didn't feel like arguing with him on the phone while people looked on. And she cried. Sometimes she wished that she wasn't such a wimp, crying about everything, and sometimes she was scared that she would stop crying. And caring. 

Uh, Willow, shut up. she muttered to herself. Self-awareness wasn't really going to get her anywhere, especially if the world ended that night. Her eyes darted around the office, taking in the bookshelves, filing cabinet, lamp, and telephone. With a final breath of courage she sat down on the soft leather seat and picked up the receiver. It was one of those old phones where you actually had to dial in the numbers with a little ting' signalling each one. She did this with a meticulous slowness, trying to prolong the event. Ringing sounded in her ear. Once. Twice. Three times. _Would he really have gone out?_ Four times. _It obviously wasn't that upsetting for him then_. Five-- 

Willow hung up and frowned. She felt that she had to make a decision. Continue looking for Oz or go it alone. She felt that she could probably do the spell by herself, but Oz might be of some help... The red head tapped her fingers against the glass paperweight on the table metronome-style as she thought. And decided. 

***

Are Dingos playing tonight? Maybe that's where he is...? Xander supplemented helpfully. 

That's what I was thinking. Willow agreed, I have enough time to go and get him don't I? 

Giles said hesitantly, But we don't... Do you know everything that you have to do for the spell? 

Hmm.. I'm not sure I'm comfortable of you casting it without having a run through first... 

I'll be fine, Giles. 

All right. You can fetch Oz and we'll get ready here. We'll probably be gone by the time you get back though.. 

I'll be okay Giles. You-You just look after yourself and the others. 

We'll be careful. Giles said, smiling. 

Willow returned the smile, towards all of them. It was scary, and also kinda forbidden, to think that some of these people might be dead before she saw them next. _That's why you're casting the spell. Doing your part. To save them._

I'd, uh, better be going then.. she murmured. 

Xander straightened from where he had been staring at a book and walked over to his best friend. They hugged affectionately, but neither said what was on their minds. 

I'll see you later Xander. 

Yeah, see you later Will. 

If we're not all dead. Cordelia added loudly, then with faux cheerfulness, Bye Willow. 

Bye Cordy. Kendra. 

Willow turned and walked out of the Library, barely remembering to pull on her coat to shield her against the Californian night. It wasn't the coldness that she was particularly afraid of, but the Vampires. Hence the stakes in the coat pockets. For some reason random songs kept marching through her head, nothing relevant. All fruity pop tunes, but it just seemed sorta disrespectful on the part of her subconscious. Bad brain. 

As she made her way to the Bronze she couldn't help but wonder what would happen if she just took a detour and went home, up to her room and crawled into her bed. Her nice warm bed. The obvious answer was that the world would end, but why did she have to have so much responsibility? It'd be nicer to just snuggle under the bedcovers and fall asleep obliviously, but she couldn't. 

And that's what my life is like.. she whispered under her breath as she crossed a road. The Bronze loomed into sight. She could hear it before she could see it, the loud sounds of teenagers drinking, laughing, fighting and generally messing around more audible than the music inside. 

She went through the usual process of queuing and walking past the bouncers. She still remembered a time when there had just been one lone middle-aged man guarding the entrance. But that had been before Vampires had decided that bouncers were fair game as well. Somehow that made the club more aware of the problem and, bingo, more security. 

As Willow walked out onto the dance floor she noted, with nausea and excitement, that Dingoes were indeed playing tonight. Rather than noticing any of the members of the band, who she knew all by name, her eyes fixed first and stayed on Oz, who was even more stoic than usual as he played the bass. 

Oh, look who's here, Willow Rosenberg all by herself. How cute. Manage to get away from Cordelia long enough to breath? The high-pitched comments were coming from Harmony as she led what was left of the Cordette's over to Willow. 

Willow asked weakly. 

Yeah. You two are like regular cuckoo sisters now. Always hanging around together. 

Uh, not really.. Willow said, trying to turn and catch Oz's eye. 

Not really? Oh, I get it. Its because of that freak of a boyfriend she has. Harris. Did you two used to go out? 

Willow caught Oz's eye and motioned with her head that he should come and speak to her. And that it was urgent. He motioned back that he would, after the song. 

Ha! So not even a geek would date Cordelia's new beau! Classic! 

Willow turned and glared at the blond with annoyance, Did you want something? 

What? Oh. God no. I just wanted to remind... you... of the kind of life you miss out on because you're such a... freak. She laughed, as did the other girls, before they slid out onto the dance floor in their hooker-wear. 

Willow rolled her eyes emphatically before making her way over to an empty table at the side of the dancers. She was glad that people liked Dingoes, they were a good band by teenage standards, but not very likely to get a record contract. A truth that she wouldn't divulge in front of any of its members. Next year Oz would be going away to college and leaving Willow in high-school. Was it a good idea that they continued to see each other? 

Oz pulled out a stool and sat down at the opposite side of the table from Willow. His palms were sweaty, and not just from having been on stage a few moments before. He watched the girl that he loved nervously, wondering if she'd come her to shout at him, and wishing already that things were okay between them. 

You didn't tell me that Dingoes were playing tonight. 

..Oh, another band cancelled. 

Willow nodded and Oz rubbed his palms against his trousers. Another band began to set up on the stage while a melodic tune played through the speakers and a few couples swayed on the dance floor. After a suitable pause of silence Willow spoke up again. 

We had a Scooby meeting tonight. 

Oz asked, pretending to have forgotten. 

Yeah. We're actually fighting the beast and Angelus.. tonight. 

Oh... So you came to get me. Oz said, obviously disappointed. 

Yeah, I thought I might need your help with the spell casting and such. 

So... Will you? 

Help? Sure, why not. 

.. You don't have to. 

I said I would. 

But do you want to? 

Will--Willow, its about saving the world, not about me. 

Oh? Cause I thought you were feeling selfish today. 

Sorry. But you, what, shut the door in my face because I don't understand you? Help me understand. I love you, you know that, we can work everything else out. 

I love you too, Will. 

You love me but you can't let me help you. I want to help you. I love you and I need your help. Not with something to do with me. Maybe someday. But today with helping the world. If you love me then you'll help _me_ save the world. Not just help save the world. 

Willow pushed down on the table and stood up, a sweet smile on her face, Did any of that even make sense..? 

Oz mimicked her movements and she eyed him, becoming serious again, Are you coming? 

***

Spike, keep up. 

I am Slayer, its not my fault that your enormous... bulk, forces me to walk behind you. 

You're just afraid I'll smack you for that comment. 

Afraid. Nope, if I thought you were going to smack me then I'd walk faster. 

Slayer and Vampire reached the edge of the forest and stared into the darkness. Or rather the Slayer did, the Vampire gauged the amount of ground they'd probably have to cover to even find this new Big-Bad. 

So... You have some idea of where we're going, right? We're not just doing to walk around in circles all night? 

We're looking for a gingerbread house. 

I'll take that as a 

Well, from what we know of this thing, it should come to us. 

..And kill us quick if your mate hasn't cast that spell? 

Well... Kill us, yes.. but technically not quickly. 

Great. Not slash and claw then? 

No. It... plays with your emotions until you're a wreck, then it attacks physically. Hey! Buffy said brightly, You should be all right then, because you have no feelings! 

Funny, again, Slayer. Spike deadpanned, his eyes still searching the night for anything. He figured that with Vampire senses he'd see it before the Slayer. Especially if she kept talking rather than hunting. 

Buffy caught his obvious distraction and mentally slapped herself. She was supposed to be the Slayer and he was supposed to be the one standing around and making stupid-distracting comments. Almost immediately as Buffy switched roles so did Spike. 

Hmm, maybe there is no Big-Bad. You just wanted to get me up here alone. 

Yeah Spike. That'll be it. 

He nodded, answering her sarcasm with sarcasm, Thought so. Then he grabbed her shoulder, twisted her around and kissed her. Her lips melted into his for a prolonged moment before she shoved him away. Instead of hitting him or storming off she simple uttered one word before turning back to survey their surroundings. 

How could he possibly kill this girl when she was just so, unpredictable. It would be unfair, unfun. Was it revolting to decide whether someone should live or die based on how exciting they were? Probably. But how could he love a Slayer. _That_ was revolting. It wasn't that he did love her, it was just that if he didn't, then he'd better kill her and have done with. Stop her messing with his head. If it wasn't love. 

Lets go into the woods. Buffy said slowly, indicating that she was probably repeating it and that he hadn't been listening. 

And do what? Call his name? You said he'd come to us. 

Yeah... But it can't hurt for us to be closer. 

Actually it could hurt a lot. 

Oh, what do you care? You're dead. 

Fine, blondie, ladies first. 

As if I'd follow you anyway. Buffy quipped as she stepped into the dark forest. Spike watched her go for a moment before following. A delayed thought sprouted into his brain. She didn't seem to be that bothered that he'd kissed her. What had happened to Oh God'? The tears, shame and recriminations. So much he wanted a reason to stop, but she wasn't giving him one. How could he decide not to like her when she was giving out signals that she might like him. Women. 

Glowin' yet Slayer? 

The talisman? 

she reached into her pocked and pulled it out, 

Spike rolled his eyes skywards to the canopy of branches, Slayer, how are you going to be able to tell if it is if you keep it in your pocket? 

...S-Slayer senses! she snapped. 

Uh huh. 

She began walking again, her chin thrust in the air obstinately, but he noticed that she didn't put the talisman back into her pocket. So she can take some advice, he observed. 

Buffy felt her heart pounding faster as she walked through the trees. She was surprised that Spike hadn't mentioned it, weren't Vampires supposed to notice that sort of stuff? She desperately tried to calm it down but that cost her concentration, causing her to stumble and Spike to make an insulting comment. Annoying Vampire, it was his fault anyway. She kept feeling that perhaps she should have said something more harsh to him for kissing her. But it was probably just a joke, or to wind her up or something. Not meant to be taken seriously. She wasn't going to make a big deal out of it, because there was nothing to make a big deal out of. Nope. Why wasn't he noticing her pulse? Wasn't he paying attention to her? 

The forest was actually kind of pretty at night. It wasn't as if he'd ever seen it in the daytime, but he could appreciate nice landscape when he saw it. A floor littered with leaves even if it wasn't fall, green grass that was grey at night. Healthy trees. Spike spent a while admiring the foliage before realising that he was just trying to distract himself from the blonde if front of himself. Very far in front of him now, because he'd slowed down. That was better, physical distance coupled with mental distance made for a very nice amount of... distance. 

Spike? Are you following me or looking at the flowers? 

Busted. 

Following, luv. Spike said speeding his pace to catch up with her, Always following 

Good, and don't call me 

Its perfectly innocent. Generic. 

Generic, huh? I'll believe that when you start calling Xander luv', or Giles. 

So why do you want to find this thing so quickly? Spike asked, changing the subject. 

Why? So it doesn't kill anyone else. 

..And so you can get back and help with.. other matters? Spike persisted. Instead of evading his question she surprised him. 

Don't you? 

Why would I? 

Well... Kendra might be staking Dru right as we speak, that doesn't bother you? 

Spike said tightly, Does it bother you that she might be staking Angelus? Wanted to get in there yourself? Or maybe you're just not ready to let him go... 

We've been over this-- 

Yeah, we have, so why did _you_ bring it up again? Dru means nothing to me anymore. 

And Angelus means nothing to me. Buffy agreed, glad that was sorted out. 

...And Angel? 

Angel's dead. she said automatically. 

Yeah... But if you could have him back right now, would you? After everything he's done to you and your mates? 

Buffy stared ahead, using Slayer senses to check if any bad guys were near. Spike being so close wasn't helping, he was clouding her abilities. And asking stupid questions. 

You would, wouldn't you? 

Angel is dead. So it doesn't matter. Buffy stated, but it was plain to both of them what the answer was. 

Spike was going to let it drop. Let her have her fantasies of the good Vampire Angel, protector of the innocent. But for some reason it annoyed him more than a little that even after all of Angelus's bad deeds, she'd still take her boyfriend back. It wasn't jealousy. 

I can't believe that you'd take him back after he attacked you mom, and killed the teacher. 

That isn't Angel. That's Angelus. 

And you think they're totally different people? Just because they say they are? You think that he never thought about drinking you dry, even with his soul? 

He loved me. 

Don't need a soul to do that. Spike snapped, then amended hastily before she got the wrong idea, I loved Drusilla. 

Can we just stop this conversation? Its all hypothetical. Angel is dead, and not coming back. 

Glad you realise that. 

God, Spike, what _are_ you talking about? Why do you care? You're just here to kill the monster with me, then you're leaving and never coming back to annoy me ever again. 

_Or kiss me. Or touch me. Or anything.._

Fine Slayer. Stick to the job then. Spike gestured forward into the woods and both marched onwards in the silence of thought. 

So she was still in love with the wanker, so what? He _was_ gone. And more importantly it shouldn't matter to him who she loved. Unless it was him, and then he'd break her neck for it. It was so convincing to say that in his head, but actually acting it out was a different matter. Besides, she'd get over Angelus easily enough when he was really dead and gone. Be open to other possibilities. Probably some simpering student at her school. Or that boy, Xander, he liked her, didn't he?. Not Spike. It'd never be Spike. And he should be happy about that. Ecstatic. 

Spike was so annoying! He couldn't just let a subject drop. Of course she was over Angel! And Angelus was as good as dust now as well. She was over it. Moved on. Maybe he was like that because he wasn't over his Vamp-ho Drusilla yet. Or maybe it was because he was and he wanted Buffy instead. Clasping a hand to her mouth was all Buffy could do to stop from laughing. Spike wanting her? It would actually be funny if it was true, because it was never going to happen. Vampire. Slayer. And if it wasn't true then... good. Staking him after the battle was becoming an increasingly appealing prospect. 

Spike whispered. She sighed and turned to face him. 

Look, Spike, I-- Her words were stopped by his hand over her mouth. He was suddenly very close to her, he could feel her pulse where his skin connected with hers, and her warm breath on his hand. She could see the wide expanse of his chest before her--why was he so tall?--and his cooling touch on her face. Slowly he pulled his hand away and their eyes clicked together, gazes locking. 

She breathed. He shook his head quickly and pointed to his left, her right. 

he said, simply. She did, and her eyes widened at what she saw. 

(Author's Note: So, to make up for my lack-of-postage, or lack-of-good-postage, this is my second chapter of the day, a little longer than most. The quote at the top of the page was stolen from an Animorph's fanfic by Guardian, so if you want to read her stuff you can go here (http://www.geocities.com/area51/keep/7466/) Thanks for all the reviews that I keep getting. I'm writing it for you (and possibly for me... heh. So its all kinda selfish.))


	23. Infallible

Infallible

We are not final because we are infallible, but infallible only because we are final.   
~ Supreme Court Justice Robert Jackson 

Okay, is anyone else terrified? Xander asked a few moments after Willow had left the room. He turned to stare at the other three remaining people. They all stared back for a second before answering at once. 

from Kendra. 

Not at all. from Giles. 

And from Cordelia a heartfelt, Hell yeah! The two who were putting on brave faces glared at her and so she explained, Oh, come on! Buffy's off in the forest fighting some Big-Bad with a _Vampire_ and we're left alone to fight her ex boyfriend, who is also a Vampire. And Willow and Oz are having relationship issues, which could possibly lead to the end of the world if they don't keep their minds on their jobs! She took a breath and then observed, And we're just sitting around like big mooks waiting for someone to take charge. 

Giles cleared his throat, Eh hem, well, yes. I'll gather the magic ingredient. Kendra you... uh... select some suitable weapons, Xander help her and... Cordelia help me. 

Cordelia rose from her seat and muttering something that sounded very much like, Why'd it have to be him. disappeared with Giles into his office to collect herbs and candles. Kendra, shy from being partnered with Xander, immediately bend down and busied herself with searching through a weapons chest. 

Xander glanced from the direction that Cordelia had disappeared to and then to Kendra. He sighed rather audibly and decided to take big weapons, like swords, axes and pikes, and that wasn't overcompensation--oh no--it was just because Kendra was handling the smaller ones. He kinda felt she'd picked the better place to get weapons, seeing as stakes were handier that pikes against Vampires, or at least for someone who wasn't from the eighteenth century, like Xander. 

Uh... Hand me a few of those? he asked, pointing towards the stakes. Kendra looked up, startled, and then with shaking hand gave him three. 

Xander asked in a low voice as he pushed the stakes into pockets. 

I... Yes, a little. Kendra confided. 

Its natural. 

Its not! Not for a Slayer! She protested. 

Ha! You think Buffy never gets scared? 

She... is different. So many friends, its not natural. 

So fear is natural, Buffy has it, but she's not natural? Kendra, she's human. And so are you. 

Kendra pulled a few crossbow bolts from the chest and looked up at Xander gratefully. She would never say so though as in her mind, Slayers still weren't allowed to make mistakes, and shouldn't need help. Especially not from civilians. 

Have you two finished bonding? We _do_ have a world to save. Cordelia snapped, appearing from Giles's office with an armful of magic stuff. 

Yep. All finished here. Xander said hurrying to help his girlfriend unload the mixture of candles, herbs and stones. This is all for the spell? 

Either that or Giles is just getting me to clean the crap out of his draws. Some of this stuff smells _nasty_. Cordelia picked up something dried, long and grey and waved it under Xander's nose to prove her point. 

He took a step back and waved her hand away, I would have just taken your word for it. 

I wanted you to suffer too. 

Such a giving relationship. Giles remarked at he placed a glass bowl down on the table and several packets of dried unmentionables. 

Huh, I don't think you can talk Mr-My-Only-Girlfriend-Was-Eaten. 

Xander warned, shooting Giles an appeasing smile. 

Right. I think there's everything here that Willow could need. All set out. Kendra you have, uh, weapons? Giles asked, ignoring Cordelia tolerantly. 

I, um, yes. Kendra said, she offered stakes to both Giles and Cordelia before pulling out the sword from earlier, And this. 

Oh, yes, and your sword. Giles glanced about, Right then, we'd better get going. 

I hope Willow comes back soon otherwise there's going to be one more body in that forest tomorrow. Cordelia said, making her way out with the others. 

What did you mean about Willow and Oz? Xander asked, curious. 

Oh, it was so obvious they were having problems. 

Minds on the job, please. 

Sure Giles! Going out to Slay some evil! Woo! Xander said with fake happiness. 

Hmm. Perhaps not so enthused. 

We're all gonna die. 

The group laughed as the exited the Library, silently hoping that that wouldn't be the case. 

***

Holy crap... That doesn't look like White Fang. 

The wolf was about twice the size that it should of been, and standing only a few feet away from the couple. They both sprang apart, Buffy raising her axe and Spike falling into fighting stance. 

Its no Ajax or Buck either. Come on Slayer, are you glowing yet? 

Buffy checked the talisman quickly, her eyes barely leaving the large grey animal, 

Uh huh, bet you're rethinking that lets go find it' plan now aren't you? 

Shut up Spike. We just have to stay out of its way until Willow comes through. Its better than having her chanting for hours. 

If she comes through. 

Why wouldn't she? She's not you Spike. 

Spike snorted with mock effrontery, I thought I'd _changed_, Slayer. 

I was wrong. You're still as much a pain in the ass as ever. 

Thanks. Why isn't this thing attacking us yet? 

The wolf was just standing and blinking at them like an oversized dog, but less friendly. As they spoke its head had tilted minutely towards each sentence. Both Vampire and Slayer shifted uncomfortably, still ready for an attack should one come. 

You sure this is it Slayer, I mean. I was expecting crimson eyes and perhaps three head or something. 

This has to be it. How many other wolves do you think there are in this Californian forest? Do you... Do you get the feeling its listening to us? 

It could be slowly calculating batting averages for all we know. Its just not attacking. 

I know but the way-- 

Suddenly the wolf changed, it bared its teeth in a snarl and rippling back from its open mouth the grey fur dissolved into a golden-yellow coat with black patches randomly decorating it. The ears cut down into circles and it grew even bigger. 

A Leopard. Spike stated, simply. 

Buffy agreed, raising her axe a little higher. 

Both fighters backed up two steps, sizing up their new opponent. The shapeshifter's teeth were still bared, and slowly it moved towards its prey, body swaying. Spike reached across and grabbed the axe from Buffy's hands. He took aim and threw it at the advancing big cat. Not surprisingly the axe simply drifted through the animal as if it wasn't even there, hitting the grass with a thump. 

What the hell did you do that for?! 

I thought you said this thing was scary Slayer. So far all its done is shown us its teeth. It can't hurt us and its certainly not messing with my emotions. To tell you the truth I'd rather be back in town fighting your boy than this impotent evil ma-- 

A force knocked into Spike, hurling him back into a tree and pinning him there. He heard cracks from his chest that told him his ribs were breaking. He was suspended a couple of feet in the air, and if the tree hadn't been at his back he didn't know how far he would have been flung. He coughed up blood, but found his head was also pinned back so that he could not spit it out. He tried desperately to move but couldn't. Externally paralysed. This thing obviously couldn't take a joke. 

A white mist began materialising around and through the thing that was pinning him to the tree. It had no definite shape, but it was coming from Kakeaner, who seemed to be under no more strain than he had been when the axe had been thrown at him. Spike's eyes rolled around desperately in his head as he tried to search for something to release him. A few trees to his right was another white-encased form. The Slayer. She was also pinned to a tree, but unlike him she seemed motionless. It hadn't occurred to him before, because of course he didn't need to breath, but the pressure on his chest that had easily compacted his ribs, was also flattening his lungs. He didn't need to breath. But the Slayer did. 

***

Yeah. They've gone. Willow confirmed as she walked into the Library, closely dogged by Oz. 

Probably fighting Angelus as we speak. Oz agreed. Is everything ready to cast the spell? 

Willow skipped over to the table and took a second to glance over the ingredients, Yep. Except for the actual spell. 

What? I thought you had that.. Oz said, desperately trying not to get into an argument. 

Oh. I do, its just on disk. Willow wandered over to her bag which she'd left at the back of the Library. She pulled it up onto the desk and began to rifle around inside. After a moment she pulled out a handful of floppy disks. One of these in fact. 

You don't know which one? 

Willow blushed, Giles dropped it off in the middle of a computer class and it kinda got mixed up. I didn't even know he knew how to use a computer that well. 

Willow, Buffy's life could depend on you casting this spell! Don't you think you should have been a little more organised? 

Well, I was going to sort it out with you earlier but.. 

An uncomfortable silence fell. It probably would have lasted longer except for, of course, the life-or-death factor. Tentatively Oz walked forward and picked up the disks. 

Lets sort through them then. He offered quietly. Willow smiled and nodded. 

All right. 

They both slid behind the Library counter and to the computer that was resting on it. Oz laid the disks down and Willow booted up the hard drive and monitor. The both watched the jargon flash across the screen in silence, but once the desktop appeared Oz handed over the first disk. Willow took it and before sliding it into the disk drive commented, 

Hmm. I don't even think this is one of mine but... 

She opened the only file on the disk and for a second her face brightened, 

Oh, this is a spell. Its must be-- 

Oz pointed to the screen, his eyes wide. Willow's expression was soon a complete copy of his, her lips parted in a silent oh'. Finally she read the words at the top of the page, as if reading them would make the disbelief go away. 

The Spell of Restoration 

***

Angelus plunged the stake into the Vampire's chest and watched with satisfaction as he blew up in a cloud of dust. He brushed the flakes from his fingers and dropped the wood almost immediately. Drusilla slunk up behind him like an annoying cat and draped an arm around his middle. 

He was annoying Dru. And he had nothing else to tell us. Blood on the hand, bla, bla, end of the world. It was boring. 

Drusilla kneaded her hands into his back, massaging the muscles with long fingers and pinching the skin with sharp finger nails just as he began to relax. 

I'm bored. she complained. 

Dru, we're trying to end the world. There has to be a certain amount of hanging around beforehand. 

And hungry. she commented as if she hadn't heard a word he'd said. Which was highly probable. 

Well you can't go out. Don't want you staked before the event. 

Drusilla whined softly, her lower lips jutting out into a pout. Angelus turned and grabbed her roughly by both arms, causing the pout to dissolve into a playful smirk. He shook her violently. 

Stop distracting me Dru! Or I'll kill you right now and you won't get to see the pretty lights or the Apocalypse. He shoved her back and turned away almost instantly, Assuming we ever get that far. 

Drusilla uttered behind him softly. 

What about him? 

Can't breath. She giggled, Can't breath. 

He's a Vampire, he doesn't need to. Do you actually have anything worth while to say? Sometimes I regret sending you insane He smirked, But then I remember how much fun it was. Do you remember Dru? 

She's coming. Dru continued. 

The Slayer..? Angelus breathed, then he grinned, Well, it looks like tonight won't be a total let down. Killing Buffy and her friends could be fun... The smile faded slightly, Now if we could only work out how to open this damn portal. 

***

We can't do it! 

I know Oz, I've already dropped the subject. Lets just get on with this material spell. 

Willow was sitting crossed-legged on top of the table with a printed out sheet on her lap and a semicircle of rocks and candles before her. Oz was standing by her side with a stick of smouldering incense in each hand. 

But... It would make him easier to fight... Or not to fight at all. He could come back. And Buffy could be happy again. 

Its not that simple, Will. 

I--I know that. Its just I want her to be happy. And also I don't want the world to end. 

Do we even have all of the ingredients? 

Oh? Even a.. Oz scanned the second printed sheet in Willow's lap, An Orb of Thesulah? 

Giles is using one as a paperweight. Willow said matter-of-factly. Oz opened his mouth to argue again, Look. Oz, I can't do it without you so if you don't want to then that's fine. But we'll have to pretend we never saw it because imagine how it will make Buffy feel to hear that she could have had her boyfriend back but you said no. 

Willow. This isn't just about Buffy. If we give him his soul back does that mean he automatically isn't guilty for the pain he has inflicted on people. Buffy's mom, Jenny, countless others..? Does he get a free pass? Doesn't Giles deserve some kind of revenge? 

Yes. He does. But I don't want any of them dying tonight. If we give Angelus back his soul Angel still might die. But if we don't... The everyone could die. 

So you really want to do the spell? 

First I want to do the material spell. I've already taken too long setting that one up. 

And then you want to give Angelus his soul back? 

I don't know. Pause. We'll see. Another pause I don't know. 

Oz reached out touched two finger's to Willow's cheek. She turned her head to look at him and he planted a brief kiss on her lips. She froze for a long moment before smiling. 

I am sorry, for everything. Who knew that I could be melodramatic? He chuckled, trying to make a joke out of his plea for forgiveness. 

I know Oz. Everyone falls. Feels bad. I understood what you were saying, whether you believe that or not, and I understand now. 

So we're okay...? 

As long as we live through tonight. They both grinned. 

Well then, we'd better start that spell. 

Willow nodded, her face becoming solemn once more. She bent over the circle and placed the talisman into the centre. Oz wafted the incense about, feeling a little useless. Willow gave him a reassuring smile before beginning to chant the words written before her. 

(Author's Note: There is method to my madness, I promise. Would you guy's like to see more of Buffy and Spike and less of the other's? But anyway, look, I'm back (so is ff.net) with another chapter. So I musta got out of my funk, right? I hope so. Weekends is when I do most of my writing so if I don't finish the story tomorrow then I'm afraid you'll be waiting until next weekend. Of course nothing is certain (other than death and taxes) so who knows. Luckily I do have next week off so I will have plenty of time to work. Thanks for all of the reviews so far, I really appreciate them.)


	24. Asleep Inside

Asleep Inside

_O soft embalmer of the still midnight,   
Shutting, with careful fingers and benign,   
Our gloom-pleased eyes, embowered from the light,   
Enshaded in forgetfulness divine:   
O soothest Sleep! if so it please thee, close,   
In midst of this thine hymn, my willing eyes,   
Or wait the «Amen», ere thy hoppy throws   
Around my bed its lulling charities.   
Then save me, or the passed day will shine   
Upon my pillow, breeding many woes, -   
Save me from curious conscience, that still lords   
Its strength for darkness, bun-owing like a mole;   
Turn the key deftly in the oiled wards,   
And seal the hushed casket of my soul. _  
To Sleep' by John Keats 

How does the guy pay for something this big? Cordelia commented as the group stared up at the mansion. 

He probably just eats the owners. 

Hmm. If I'd have known he was loaded I would have-- 

Xander cleared his throat pointedly and for once his girlfriend took the hint. Kendra stood a little back from the group, expecting an attack at any second, but so far they had not met one Vampire. Giles was staring up at the building in silence. He hadn't been back since the events with Jenny, and even the outline of it against the sky made his stomach turn. With the silence spanning out around him he could almost imagine that he was by himself, and that it was that night again. Instead of running away he had turned around, and now alone was ready to attack and kill the monster within. 

Giles, you ready? Xander asked loudly. 

What? Oh, yes. Giles exhaled and pulled the small hand-axe out of his coat. Small in comparison to other axes, but still deadly. It occurred to him that they were setting themselves up for tragedy. With Buffy gone and Kendra being used to taking orders, he was inevitably in charge. Did he have that much faith in himself? 

Is everyone else ready? 

Yep. Troops deployed and ready for action Captain. 

Cordelia and Xander, stay close. Kendra... If you want to--Take the lead. 

The group walked to the mansion entrance as virtually a line, with Kendra making the only exception. When they reached the closed door the group paused and Kendra's hand wavered over the handle. 

Its not locked. Giles supplied quietly. 

The Slayer opened the door and immediately a Vampire sprung out from behind it. They'd been expecting it but it still made the group panic for a millisecond before Kendra's stake touched heart and all that was left was ashes. Xander let out a sigh that seemed to reflect Giles's feelings of hope draining from his body. If one Vampire made them panic then what about a room full? Kendra glanced back for clarification before leading the group in through the door. It may have been night time but outside had been bright with streetlights and the moon, inside it was almost black as pitch. The group huddled together much in the style of roman soldiers as they made their way through the first random corridor. 

They found themselves in a place that was more alcove than room. The passage still continued past it but it contained at one end a window covered by thick black draped and at the other a bench pushed into the wall. Two female Vampire's lounged on the bench, looking clearly bored, while a male crouched next to them. As they sighted the Slayer they disentangled themselves and stood as one fluid unit. 

Someone's been reading a little too much Anne Rice. Xander quipped. 

Kendra, take the first one, we'll take the others. Giles ordered quietly. 

Kendra squared off against the larger Vampire as the he in turn sized her up. The other two, slid back their human masks to reveal the creased foreheads and teeth of the demon within. 

Okay, this can't be so hard. Buffy does it all the time.. Xander muttered, holding a stake up just above his shoulder. 

The explosion of action was vivid, each unplanned action happening as if it was scripted. The first Vampire launched itself at Kendra and she knocked it away with a vicious kick to the side. The Vampire skidded sideways but didn't fall, immediately attacking again. Fortunately, other than its supernatural strength the demon did not seem to have much fight training. Kendra delivered two punches to its face and while bent back produced a stake and rammed it into the heart. 

Giles smashed the back of his fist into the cheek of the Vampire he was fighting, then kicked her legs out from under her. As he bent down the female grabbed him by the shirt, even as he dusted her she flipped him over and onto his back. 

Cordelia hit the Vampire's side with all of the strength she could but it continued to hover over Xander, canines inches away from the boy's neck. Xander strained against the vicelike grip but to no avail. He felt a sting at his neck moments before all pressure was gone. He opened his eyes and the grimace disappeared from his face. 

Thanks Kendra. He said, with a smile, raising a hand gingerly to his neck to inspect the damage. 

Note: Quickest way to a Vamp's heart; through his back. Cordelia said, catching her breath and dusting down her outfit. 

one, Vampires; nil, We rule! Xander grinned. 

***

Spike stared across at the Slayer, motionless limbs not betraying any of the fear that he felt. Her blonde hair was plastered across her face and her eyes were shut tightly. He couldn't hear a heartbeat. The white mist pressing against them both was relentless, and the demon's eyes ungiving. He could feel every subtle change in his body. Every bone breaking and the speed at which it tried to heal down to every blood vessel that popped in his eyes as he strained them looking around for anything to help. 

For that moment all bravado was forgotten. He forgot that he was supposed to hate this girl, this Slayer, kill her even, drink her blood. He forgot how she hated him, a Vampire, wanted to stake him even. They were supposed to be in this together. Death wasn't part of the deal. 

The first change was so subtle that he hardly noticed it. A slight slackening of the pressure on his chest. His body didn't move from the tree, but gradually he didn't feel anything. It was slightly euphoric and for a second he almost believed that he was going to heaven. Until he remembered he was a demon. The white mist grew around him, and Buffy, in turn, enveloping his whole body. Purple-tinted tendrils pushed outwards and swayed like snakes in the air as it he was the centre of some giant ball of lightening. He found that he could move, but only inside the mist. He tried to touch one of the tendrils-- 

_--Blood on his fangs, rich and sweet, thick and intoxicating like the thing you wake up in the middle of the night craving but never putting a name to. Death in his arms. Is he a killer then?--_

--and got a shock. There was a pain was not in his hand but in his head and images flashed before his eyes as if briefly he was somewhere else. It was as if his emotions had been made external. Horrified he pulled his hand back and clutched it to his chest as if the memory had burnt itself onto his fingers. _What the hell is this?! _

**_Desire._**

The word popped into his brain like a thought. But not his. 

**_Your friend didn't tell you? _**

The tendrils blew around him each time the voice spoke as if a powerful wind was blowing them backwards. Slowly his eyes fixed on the Leopard before him. It had not changed position since he had last seen it, but it looked subtly different. Its coat, shiny and rippling when he had flung and axe at it, was now patchy in some places, showing dead areas of skin. Weeping from its nose was thick puss and its eyes were now at red-brown alertness. 

**_But then I don't suppose she would. She doesn't like you very much, does she? I may not exist in this realm physically, but I can still have some influence. You desire to touch the memories, don't you? Feel them? Relive? Everyone does. To see what could have been done differently. To remember happiness and joy. But each memory reminds you of failure, better days. Men turn mad viewing their pasts. Eventually. And madness is closer to my realm. I devour their souls and their spirits. And they make me strong with their foolish curiosity. I am not without mercy, should they stave their curiosity then they shall keep their minds and be forever trapped. None have escaped._**

Classic bad-guy rant. Spike told himself. He'd done in a million times, tell them there is no hope, then give them hope, then take it away. It was probably pre-rehearsed. Used every time he lured a victim into his net. Perhaps he fed on fear as well. All that Spike needed now was the Slayer, despite his mistrust of the beast before him, he felt that the Slayer might know something about this beast. And it would be good for her not to be dead also. 

He stretched out a hand towards her but paused when all he reached were the edges of tendrils, perhaps if he could touch both of their external minds together and jump-start her back into existence. But the pain of the memories, and the promised madness... 

He growled softly before plunging his hand outwards. He shut his eyes tight as pain seared through his head, the growl of annoyance quickly growing to one of suffering. Images flashed through him as if he was in a million different places at once-- 

_--Staring up at the stars, was anything so beautiful? He would love to live for night-time alone just to watch them--And her name was Cecily--Such a wanker, Angelus--Her Childe--Soft like satin--Destruction, good and bloody--Had a soul now did he--She just wanted to be normal--The Chosen One?--_

--And he knew that he had gotten through to her. Even before opening his eyes, he knew he had managed it. With the pain still strong he retracted his hand to let it subside and watched as their two bubbles of mist stuck together. He took in a mental breath and then called out. 

**_Slayer._**

***

**_Slayer._**

It was as if someone had thrust a hot poker into her middle. But instead of burning it just thawed out frozen organs. The first thing she was aware of was oxygen flooding into her lungs, and realising how good it was to be able to breath. One of life's underrated pleasures. And how good it was not to be dead. All that she could remember was thinking how _stupid_ Spike was and then, boom, she was plastered up against a tree. The pressure on her chest was sudden and violent, probably cracking a few bones, and making it impossible to breath. Her heart had slowed, she'd felt the blood throbbing in her brain. Then nausea and nothing. 

**_Slayer._**

Then a voice inside her head. She tried to open her eyes but found the lids plastered shut. Her limbs didn't feel like her own anymore, not complying to simple wishes of movement. But she could breath now. That at least meant that she couldn't be dead. 

**_Slayer._**

That annoying voice confirmed it. 

**_Spike, get the hell out of my head._** She thought, half-joking. 

**_Not bloody likely. Took you long enough to wake up. _**

**_You can _**_actually_**_ hear me? Please tell me this isn't another one of my daydreams. _**

**_You daydream about _**_me_**_ Slayer? I'm touched. _**

**_In the head. _**

**_Whatever. While you were sleeping I was keeping you alive. _**

**_Okay, are you some kind of angel? Spike as my angel, now that would really suck. _**

**_You're not dead, Slayer. _**

**_So I'm just mad, talking to the voices inside my head that sound like Spike. Why couldn't I have gotten Christian Slater or someone cute to do the voice for my insane inner ramblings? _**

**_This is the mind of the Slayer that kicks my ass? If I could blush I would. _**

**_Spike, what's the deal? _**

**_What didn't you tell me about this guy? _**

**_I told you everything I knew. Big evil. Emotions. Yada, yada. _**

**_You really do think as shallow as you talk. _**

**_Spike, what is going _**_on_**_? _**

**_Open your eyes and take a look._**

Buffy was about to tell Spike that he was stupid for thinking she could do such a thing, when she felt the pressure slack on her eyelids. Cautiously she edged them open and felt for a moment as if she had gone blind. Everything around her was a blinding white. She blinked a few times before the world beyond the light swum into view. She saw the light emitting from Kakeaner, twin beams, one illuminating her and the other.... Spike. 

**_Holy crap._**

(Author's Note: Did I fool you? Everyone asked for more B/S so I started with Giles and Co. I'm evil, I know. What do you think of the BB? Scary? Not? Confusing? I love input. Doesn't mean I'll take a blind bit of notice. But I like it. Thanks for the reviews everyone :-))


	25. Choosing

Choosing

_Yesterday the odds were stacked in favour of my expectations.   
Lying above the rest   
Never falling from the nest   
Tuesday came and went and now I'm in a little situation   
Maybe its for the best   
I can live alone I guess._   
Maybe' by Alison Krauss. 

**_Spike, what is this? _**

**_I thought you could tell me._**

As she looked around, gauging her environment, she felt the pressure on her disappear. She absently moved tired limbs as she worked out that yes' she was still in the forest, and yes' she was still alive, and no' Spike's lips weren't moving as he spoke to her. The Slayer almost felt as if she was in a giant white Spider, with its purple legs whipping around her just out of reach likes those vines in gardening programs. Constant movement and constant growth. Except for as soon as they reached far enough away they'd snap back and begin their journey again. Buffy moved her head to look across at Spike, eyes wide and mental voice shaking with a less-than-brave quality. 

**_What could _**_I _**_tell you about this? _**

**_Its your beast Slayer. Didn't your Watcher tell you about any of this?_**

Buffy shook her head, her lips parted in fear-filled-wonder. When she realised that Spike must not have caught the movement she expanded her answer. 

**_No._** And then, **_Well, maybe._**

If it wasn't impossible Buffy would have guessed that the slight noise in her head was a mental sigh from Spike. If she could hear it did that mean she could hear all of his thoughts or did he just want her to know that he was annoyed with her. And if she could hear all of his thoughts, could he hear all of hers? 

**_What _**_exactly _**_did the Watcher tell you? _**

**_I told you. Allegorical being. Kills its prey by making them emotionally weak and therefore closer to its realm. Or does that make him more real? Well, it was one of those two._**

Another sigh. The Vampire must really think that she's stupid. But it wasn't every day that you woke up encased in a bubble of white mist, pinned to a tree, talking telepathically with a creature you loath. 

**_That's exactly what _**_it_**_ said. _**

**_It? You talked to it? _**

**_Yeah. Well... It talked to me. It being all evil and me being stuck here like a bug to a card. He said that he plans to make us mad and then steal our souls. You think someone should tell him Vampire's don't have souls? _**

**_How is he going to make us mad? He hasn't exactly been proactive with the torture. Unless being stuck here for eternity with only you to talk to is my punishment. In which case... He's good. _**

**_Reach out. And touch one of those tendril things. _**

**_What?_**

Spike pointed to one of the vines and Buffy turned her head to stare at it. As if aware of her attention the purpled-vine swayed in mid-air, just inches from her shoulder invitingly. 

**_You tell me to touch something and I just do it? Yeah, right, like that's going to happen, ever. _**

**_Just do it, Slayer._**

It was Buffy's turn to sigh mentally, and she took great care that she projected it towards Spike. The blonde pest thought that he could just order her to do something and she'd do it. He must be delusional. Otherwise he wouldn't have expected her to just blindly follow his orders. Perhaps he was already mad. But on him it didn't look must different. Or sound it. A rational voice in her mind, hers not Spikes, pointed out that he had obviously touched one of them and he was still alive. Or undead. Whatever. 

Buffy twisted her hand upwards, offering it out to the vine. The white-purple light curled down and seemed to tentatively wrap itself around first her fingers, then her palm and knuckles, then her wrist. It never touched her skin and the shyness of its movements was almost sweet. She turned her head to smirk and Spike and ask exactly what she was supposed to be seeing, when vine turned vice and squeezed-- 

_--You little bitch I'm going to..--Get off! What do I do! What do I do?!--Stop thinking. Just be--Be what?--Hands grabbing at her shoulders and pushing her hair from her neck. Her own heart beating--It thrust right through her side, blood wept over her clothes--I love you. I try not to, but I can't stop--You're the one that sets me free! If you hadn't come, I couldn't go. Think about that!--Teeth scraping her neck--_

--tightly. The pain was intense and seemed to spread through her mind, down her neck and paralise her body steadily. She desperately tried to pull her hand away but the tendril had an iron grip on her. 

**_No. Let _**_GO _**_of me_**-- 

_--Putrid smell, wafting over her nose and causing it to wrinkle--Hacking and hacking and still it wouldn't die--Tyler was kissing someone else?--They smiled and she smiled back, friends--Punctureing her throat, draining out--_

--**_PLEASE. LET GO._**

A hand fixed on her free arm and forcibly pulled her away from the vine around her hand. As soon as it felt its grip slipping the tendril dissolved harmlessly. Slowly the numbing pain melted away, leaving only the throbbing to remind her it had been there. It took Buffy a few moments to remember where she was, and even who she was. Once the purple band had closed around her skin she had suddenly been shot back into the past, a thousand different images from when she was a child, up until this point. Not imposing any kind of linear order, just memories scattered in front of her eyes so lifelike that she could almost imagine that she had been in those places again. 

When the hand disappeared from her arm she turned her head painfully to look at Spike. He'd pulled her out of it, true, but he'd also tricked her into it. She wanted to shout and yell at him, and possibly stake as well. But all she could manage were questions. 

**_What was that? _**

**_You felt... memories? Well, not felt, relived? It was the same for me... It a million places at once, not sure who or where you are. I didn't know it could trap you like that though._**

He sounded like he was speaking the truth, so Buffy decided not to beat on him too bad. Instead she repeated her question 

**_But, what was that? _**

_That_**_ was how he makes people mad._**

***

Willow couldn't help feeling bored. She'd chanted the same incantation at least fifty times and after the initial delight of the talisman before her lighting up nothing else had happened. Surely Buffy and Spike had slain their beast already and were heading back. She glanced across at Oz who seemed to be getting bored himself, curled up in a chair by the side of the Library with an open book clutched to his chest and a far-away expression on his face. As Willow came to the end of incantation number fifty-one she stopped. 

Oz questioned, his voice momentarily hoarse from lack of use. 

If they were going to kill it then they've killed it by now. I want to give the other spell a try. 

That seemed to wake Oz up, and in two moments he had leapt from his chair and strode over to where Willow was perched. 

You heard. We've helped Buffy, now we've got to help the others. 

Will, the way we help the others is by helping Buffy. She kills the first beast and then goes to the mansion to help them out. You can't just stop chanting like that! She could be dying right now! 

The spell won't take long, and once its done I can go back to chanting the boring-mantra-material spell. 

Oz walked over to his girlfriend and planted a long kiss on her lips. She responded, blushing as she did, her arms curling up over his shoulders and her fingers linking at the back of his neck. Gently he pulled away from her, and it was as if by their lips touching they had started and solved a conversation before even bringing it up. 

Willow turned back to the talisman and sighed, taking some deep breaths before beginning chant number fifty-two. Oz, at her side, smiled before returning to his seat unaware that his problem-solving kiss had not stopped Willow from deciding that after chant seventy she was doing the soul-spell, with or without him. 

***

The group huddled tightly together as they walked around each corner. Xander had stopped making his stupid jokes about two passages back, which was a double-edged blessing. The Vampires may not hear them coming, but they might catch the group all too terrified to move. When Xander stopped joking it was either a sign that he was comfortable or that he was too scared even to speak. And the former was not likely. 

You think we should have gotten the bleached-wonder to draw us a map? Xander asked, finally relieving some of the group's tension. 

I don't trust him. Besides, I think I can find my way to their... lair. 

Uh, Giles, this whole thing is their lair. Shouldn't you say their HQ or something? 

If I was in one of those bloody American-- 

Insisted Kendra, drawing them all into silence. 

At the end of the passageway they had just entered there were lights and voices bounced off the stone walls towards them. Kendra waved a hand at the three behind her, signalling for them to stay put, before creeping forward. Being a Vampire Slayer she was more likely to sense a Vampire coming than any of them. Her eyes darted about the darkened passage so much so that she could almost feel her pupil's contract as the light grew. She found that there was no door into the light filled room, simply an empty entrance way. Inside was the unmistakable statue of Acathla, surrounded by eager Vampires. 

Kendra turned to wave her party forward only to come face-to-face with a Vampire. She glanced past him even as she fell into fighting stance to see another ten Vampires behind the other three. With a silence that was almost holy they ushered the four intruders forward and into the brightly lit room. Kendra recognised none of the demon faces that stared at her as she was escorted past them. She did however count the numbers and guessed that there was about twenty-two Vampires, twenty-four with Angelus and Drusilla. The Slayer found herself brought to a stop in front of the hideous stone-demon whose lips were parted in readiness to end all life. She eyed it suspiciously for a moment as if half expecting it to move. It didn't. What did move were the two Vampires behind it, who slowly walked out in front of her. One was in a shocking crimson dress, which she hoped was the natural colour of the material, with black lace running all across its length, the other... there was no romantic way to put it, the other stood with blood dripping from his mouth and onto a plum coloured shirt, leather trousers encased his lower half and boots his feet. 

Drusilla, Angelus. Kendra noted politely, barely registering the slide from demon to human face that both Vampires went through. Angelus, instead of sporting his usual perverse smile, or scathing smirk, looked a little puzzled. 

You're not Buffy. 

***

Spike stared over at the Slayer with annoyance. He wouldn't have minded a little bit of blame from her for telling her to touch the tendrils, and indeed he had felt... guilty?... when she'd started screaming and trying to escape. Its why he'd helped her to do just that. But after almost half an hour of her telling him that it was all his fault for a variety of reasons. It was getting annoying. 

**_Shut up! _**

**_Shut up?! Shut up?! I could have gone insane and you tell me to shut up?! What's next? Chill out dude? Have a cuppa tea?_**

_Could_**_ have, but you didn't. Can we just leave it at that?_**

She seemed to take a mental breath to start her rant again, but then think better of it. Instead she just scowled at him expectantly. 

**_Thank you, Slayer, much as I hate to be the nucleus to this amoeba, wouldn't we be better trying to get out than arguing. _**

**_And how do you suggest we do that? _**

**_Is it glowing yet?_**

The Slayer twisted to look at the talisman and Spike sighed. He truly wondered how this girl defeated him every time they fought. After a second she looked up and shook her head. 

**_Great. I thought you said the redhead was handling it. _**

**_She will be. _**

**_I guess we'll just have to wait until she does._**

After a moment of mental stalemate the girl's curiosity seemed to get the better of her, hadn't she ever heard the one about the cat? She started off by asking, 

**_...Do you get them too? _**

**_What? _**

**_The memories, when you touch the purple stuff..? _**

**_Already told you I did. _**

**_But, human memories, or Vampire ones? _**

**_All of em. _**

**_Are they... painful? _**

**_Well, yeah. You saw. _**

**_I mean, is it painful to see what you were before...? _**

**_Not really._** He answered honestly. **_Didn't much like who I was._** He knew what she was getting at though, and after a moment decided to press it. **_You feel tempted to look at them, don't you? _**

**_What? No. _**

**_Look back at the days before Vampires? When you were just a little kid? Who wouldn't want to see that again..? But you can't. Not if you want to stay sane. _**

**_I know that._** Her voice was scornful, in that way that showed he had guessed right. As he watched her he saw her expression softening. 

Without putting too much thought into it Spike pushed his hand through into the Slayer's bubble of white. Over the past few moments of conversation it had occurred to Spike that they overanalysed things too much. And then ended up doing whatever they wanted anyway. And so this time he did it. Made his choice. A choice that he wasn't even aware that he had to make until recently. Between the possibility of love and the demon world. He didn't know if it was the right decision, but he chose. 

Spike's hand wrapped around the Slayer's smaller one nervously. At first in a stiff hold, and then fingers wove together instinctively. When he glanced at Buffy she was staring straight ahead, her expression blank. Whether she did not notice or did not care Spike could not tell. But she did not pull her hand away. Instead she simply said, after a moment, with a emotion that bordered on wistful in her voice, 

**_I hope Willow hurries up._**

***

It had been fifteen minutes since Willow had convinced Oz into helping her with the soul spell and finally everything was set out properly. Her boyfriend seemed particularly eager to hurry, but she was not so worried. She knew that Buffy could handle herself. And besides, what could this immaterial being do to her anyway, really? 

Is that it? Are we ready? Oz asked quickly. 

Willow confirmed, already resettling herself back onto the table. 

Its a short spell, right? 

Uh huh. Short as they come. Chant, herbs, chant, Latin, soul. Simple. 

Oz nodded, though he didn't look the slightest bit more relaxed. He would be glad when they finished it and got back onto the spell they were actually meant to be doing. He fingered the pages of an old book that he was supposed to be reading. Latin. It shouldn't be that hard. Shouldn't. A nod from Willow indicated that he should start, and so he did, with one hand wafting around a handful of smouldering incense. 

Quod perditum est, invenietur. 

Not dead nor not of the living. Spirits of the interregnum I call... 

(Author's Note: So its been a slightly boring week. Lots of work. No play or fanfic time. Makes a girl glad that she has a plan. (Evil things do have plans afterall). Just a couple more chapters to go, thanks for the reviews everyone.)


	26. And Learn To Fly

...And Learn To Fly

_Will we burn in heaven?   
Like we do down here.   
Will the change come while we're waiting?   
Everyone is waiting..._   
Witness' by Sarah Mclachlan 

...Well, that's disappointing. I was told a Slayer was coming. And all I get are her lackies. 

A Slayer is here. Kendra stated, her voice icy. Angelus regarded her for a second before smirking. 

Ah, yes, you tried to kill my soul-happy other half recently. I hated him too, does that mean we can be friends? 

I don't make friends with demons. 

Drusilla pushed a hand past the open top buttons of Angelus's shirt and stroked the skin beneath. Draped against him it was hard to believe that she could be dangerous. Especially with the pout that forced her lower lip out. 

I don't like this Slayer... she whispered loudly, her lips inches from his ear. 

No, Dru. Doesn't have a sense of humour like our Buffy... 

The rational part of Kendra's mind, which was the larger part, the part taught by her Watcher and the Slayer's Guide, told Kendra to attack. She was a Slayer. They were Vampires. Her job was simple. But against so many... she was doomed. Plus there was the problem of the three innocents at her back. People who she'd call friends if it wasn't forbidden for Slayers to have friends. If she attacked now they would surely die as well. 

Speaking of Buffy. Where is our little trouper? Not got over me already has she? 

She's been over you for ages, Angel. Xander growled. 

Oh. Well said Mr Harris. Angelus grinned, clapping his hands a little, And as a boy who's never been over...or under... Buffy in _any_ way, what do you suggest I do now? 

I was thinking; die horribly. 

Angelus's human mask flickered on and off to accent his true form and Xander grimaced at what he had just said. The Master Vampire stalked forward, leaving Dru behind and grinning devilishly to her own thoughts. He stopped a few steps from Kendra, aware that the Slayer might make a move if he stepped any further forward, 

Well, they say great minds think alike...' he said, leaving the phrase hanging as if there was more to it. 

...But there is an exception to every rule. Giles said dryly. 

He had been standing watching the murderer of his girlfriend in silence as he tried to battle down the surfacing rage. He knew that whereas his anger might be advantageous in battle, right now it could get his friends killed, or the world ended. So instead he'd been looking around the room, doing what he hoped the Slayer was doing by checking out weaknesses and possible weapons that could be used for or against them. The surrounding Vampires seemed to be unarmed, but the room was full of ornate weapons hanging from the walls, it called for a quick slay before the demons discovered their advantage. 

Ah! Rupert! Angelus's face shocked back into its human mask, his eyes comically wide as if it was truly a shock to see the Watcher. Dru, still in demon form, slid up behind him again, pouting at the lack of killing. I'm surprised to see you here Watcher, without your Slayer. 

I don't need her to kill you. 

Angelus tilted his head ever-so-slightly to the side, Well, that was the impression I got... after you ran away at our last meeting. 

That won't happen this time. Giles said, trying to keep his voice impersonal. He was just waiting for Kendra to make a move, she was a Slayer after all. 

Oh no. Angelus agreed, I don't expect you to be running anywhere after this is over. 

Geez, enough of the evil posturing already! Cordelia snapped, finally coming to life at the back of the group, We get it, okay, you're gonna kill us. But does it really have to be by talking us to death? 

I like her.. Drusilla purred into Angelus's shoulder, Can I keep her? To play... 

Cordelia visibly paled but with all of her bravado talking all she managed to get out was a half-hearted ewww'. The Vampires around the room shifted impatiently, they were bound to obey their Master, but many were hungry and the blood-filled bodies squirming before them looked delicious. 

Angelus seemed to be considering something, as if Cordelia's words had not even broken through into his mind, and his eyes were fixed onto Giles. The Watcher stared back, half-wondering what was going on but mostly not wanting to break eye-contact. A cold hand on his neck broke his concentration almost instantly, even as Angelus's eyes narrowed thoughtfully. 

Giles turned his head to see the owner of the hand that was now rubbing its way familiarly down his back. Jenny. 

he breathed. The black-haired teacher looked more beautiful than ever. Even in his dreams she had not looked this radiant. Probably because in his dreams she was not real...but now. 

Oh God.. Jenny.. he almost gasped, turning into her embrace. Her arms wrapped around his middle and he rested his head onto her shoulder, emotions raw. It was a position that he almost felt he would never occupy again. He had almost thought that he was over her. He would killed Angelus, avenge her death, and then move on with his life. But she was here. Now. And he could be happy again. He sighed, feeling that the air escaping his lung was carrying with it weeks of unshed tears. 

A hand grabbed Giles and pulled him back forcibly just before fangs closed on his neck. He blinked several times, not understanding why someone had pulled him out of heaven's embrace. He looked up into Jenny's face with confusion that slowly turned into horror at what he saw there. The fine skin of her forehead was drawn together in lumpy ridges as if something lived beneath her face. Stranger's eyes looked out of her face, a disgusting shade of yellow. But worst of all, worst because it was the most subtle, with the canines barely touching the lower lip of her closed mouth. 

Realisation struck Giles in the chest like a sledgehammer, winding him for a second. Xander pulled his hand away from the Watcher's shoulder, his face almost a perfect mirror of the older mans. Horror. Confusion. Disgust. This is what their friend had become. Perhaps what all of them would become before this night was over. Become or be killed by. 

started Cordelia, staring at her former teacher, ..I thought she was dead. 

Well technically, she is. noted Angelus, You see even before I drank her blood I knew I would turn her. As a friend to you all it would cause you pain to have to... drive a stake through her heart. Of course the most delicious part of it was getting old Rupert to consent-- 

Giles's head whipped up and he glared at Angelus, but the Vampire kept on speaking. 

-- I gave him a chance to save her or save himself. I think he thought she was dead otherwise he wouldn't have run.... Or would you Rupert? Too yellow to save your girlfriend? How does it feel to know that you left her unconscious body here with me so that you could save yourself? How do you think she felt about that..? 

If Angelus had been expecting a violent reaction in which the Librarian would have died, it was not what he got. Instead Giles turned back to his former girlfriend with sorrow but no tears in his eyes. She hadn't spoken a word, and he wondered briefly if that was to save him pain. All his thoughts about Vampires dissolved in that moment and he wondered if he could love one. Like Buffy loved Angel. Could he love a beast? A demon? Could he forgive all that she was for all that she might be? Happiness for him. Could he live in the dark forever with her? 

Giles leant back into Jenny's embrace, her arms wrapping around him once more. It was like a soft moment of oblivion, of calm before a raging storm. In her arms, he still felt safe, and loved. In her arms she was no different than she had been before. He looked up into her face, the Vampire visage melting back into human. Confused. He pressed a soft kiss to her lips. Forceful, but soft. And in a voice without words told her how sorry he was for making her what she was. For leaving her. For killing her. Making her a Vampire as if it had been his blood that turned her, not Angelus's. He said all this silently as he felt the words could not pass his lips. Only as he pressed the stake into her heart did he voice once what he was feeling. 

I'm sorry. 

Jenny's body exploded into dust. It was with such force that her clothes crumbled away as well, until all that was left of her was the dust coating his body, his hands. 

The room burst into movement. Angelus launched forward, expecting to catch the Watcher off-guard, only to be kicked back by Kendra. Xander turned around and began to fight the Vampire beside him with passion and hope rather than skill. Cordelia did the same, manoeuvring until she was fighting back-to-back with her boyfriend. 

Giles, far from paralysed, brought up the soiled stake and thrust it into the heart of a second Vampire before a third had time to tackle him to the floor. The pair struggled for a second, feet flailing and hands punching wildly before the Vampire threw an off-balance hit and Giles plunged the stake into its heart. He climbed up off the floor, the ashes of three Vampires clinging to him and reminding him what they were more that ever. Killers. 

Looking around he took in the teenage couple, desperately fighting four Vampires with blood dripping from gashes on their faces, and seeping through cuts in their clothes. A fifth joined in the battle and it began to look more like a blood-bath, a pack of hyenas chasing a wounded zebra. 

Kendra was exchanging fierce blows with two Vampires. Angelus and another, barely a fledgling. As she swung a blow to reel the Master back she aimed a kick at the second Vampire's middle, then turning back to smash her fists into Angelus's face. Giles pulled the second Vampire away from Kendra and embedded the stake into its heart. Kendra passed him the sword in a flurry of movement before focusing all of her attention onto Angelus. 

Giles weighed the cool blade in his hand for a brief moment before launching into the pack of Vampires surrounding Cordelia and Xander. Minutes that seemed like hours passed as slowly the number of Vampires lessened, but the humans got tired and battered. The only plus was that Drusilla seemed to have finally disappeared from her daddy''s side. 

Angelus spat out a mouthful of blood, That's your name, right? How does it feel to be the second best? 

Kendra's lips drew together in silence, she didn't like throwing barbs during battle, just punches. 

Silent hmm? Buffy wasn't. Maybe that's what makes a better Slayer.... He grinned as he feigned a blow, But then again she wasn't just vocal when fighting.. 

Cordelia gasped, just as a Vampire turned her own stake inwards to her stomach. She could only just managed to stay on her feet long enough for her boyfriend to catch her. He wanted to see if she was all right, but he was forced to let her slip to the ground and continue the fight around him. 

Angelus backhanded the Slayer and she fell to the floor, a gash on her arm spilling blood over her clothes. Giles twisted where he was standing and immediately stepped in before Angelus could wield a death blow. 

Help Xander.. Giles hissed to the prone Slayer as she scrambled off the floor. She nodded once to him and dissapeared. Now it was just Giles and Angelus. 

Hey old man... Angelus said as he wiped the blood away from a broken nose with the back of his hand. Giles rose the sword between them, but made it apparent that he was waiting for Angelus to make the first move. Before he had been fighting from rage, now he was in a deeper place, where the rage turned to a calm certainty that he would win, and the monster before him would loose. 

Angelus glared at the Watcher before him and thought of all the nasty thing he would do to the, technically, younger male. He didn't want to kill him yet, just make him suffer. Apart from Buffy this was the person he wanted to hurt most. Hurt because humans thought they were experts on pain. He liked to show them they were wrong. 

Come on, Ripper... That is what they call you isn't it? Ripper? Sounds a violent name, sure you should be working with kids?... Don't you want to kill me? Hack me to pieces with that sword? Oh, and speaking of... 

His voice drifted off and he moved his hand slowly up to his mouth. His human featured creased up as the demon face surged forward and he bit deeply into the palm of his hand. Retracting his canines with ease he let the blood well up into a pool before twisting around, his eyes never leaving the Watcher's, and fixing his fingers around the sword hilt in Acathla's chest. With a deft movement he whipped it out and held it so that its tip was touching the silver one in Giles's hands. 

I think mines better.. He said offhandedly, Not that comparing is my style... he grinned. 

Yours has been stuck in a demon for most of eternity. Giles snapped. 

Angelus murmured, now clearly talking about something else, But Buffy didn't-- 

The breath seemed to hitch in his mouth. Which was a stupid idea because Vampires don't breath. He stiffened and then felt something pushing him down. Not physically down, but back into a place that he had been resting for so long. A place inside himself. He growled and fought, but the thing pushing him back was stronger. And its light was blazing goodness. 

The fighting around the pair seemed to stop. The Vampires turning to stare at their suddenly silenced Master as if expecting him to be dead. Then the silence in the room was broken. 

Giles... I... Sorry, so sorry... Oh God... 

The Watcher stared at the Vampire from across the room, and at eyes that a few moments before had been glaring at him but were now just filling with tears. And he knew. Somehow he knew that this was no longer Angelus. It was Angel, the lover of his Slayer. He knew. And he didn't care. 

With one deft movement Giles swung his arm back and threw the sword as if it were a battle-axe, the blade turning in the air as it sailed towards its destination. With sickening accuracy the sword pierced the Vampire's chest, reeling him backwards into the opening portal behind him. Giles couldn't help feeling that there should be more, screams of pain or something. But Angel just looked shocked. And his expression never changed from that, even as the portal closed, swallowing him into hell. And that would be the last way that any of the group would remember him, open mouthed, eyes wide, tear streaked cheeks, and a heart more deserving of a stake than a sword. 

Cordelia breathed, after a long silence. 

That was awsome... Xander commented. 

Kendra agreed. The Librarian turned his head to look at each person in turn, then smiled. 

It was rather, wasn't it? 

As if suddenly remembering something the group, as one, glanced around nervously. 

Uh, where did all the Vamps go? 

Probably ran of when they saw Giles's impressive sword flinging... Cordelia said proudly, for a moment forgetting the near-fatal wound in her middle. 

You think if he wasn't the talkative type we'd all be dead by now..? Xander questioned, kneeling by his girlfriend as an afterthought. 

Giles conceded. 

Well... what do we do now...? asked Xander. 

Well. I'd say a celebration is-- 

Uh, if I can chip in. Hospital? said Cordelia weakly. All eyes turned to the crouching girl, and then at each other as the cuts, bruises and broken bones they'd sustained finally began to make themselves known. 

I second that. Kendra said, rubbing her arm where the joint was dislocated. 

agreed Giles, before he knelt with Xander to pick Cordelia up. 

All things considered though, I think we got out of this pretty lightly... I-I mean, it could have been much worse.. Xander offered, trying to see the bright side of things. 

Yeah. If he'd unleashed nuclear war on us... I need to get some safer friends. Cordelia grumbled. 

We're your friends? Xander prodded. 

Uh... It was the lack-of-blood talking... I'll feel more scathing when I'm not-dying. 

The group shot a last collective glance around the room, bloodstained and covered with the smells of fresh battle, before making their painful way out. Once the euphoria of winning began to seep away so did their talkativeness, and only the tiredness remained. It was only when they reached the outside of the mansion, while they were pausing to drink in the fresh air, that one suddenly remembered. 

I wonder what's taking Buffy so long..? and all the apprehensiveness and fear that they'd been facing at the beginning of the night, and that they thought they'd shaken off a moment before, took an invitation back in again. 

(Author's Note: *cringes* Yes, I feel guilt, two weeks an no update? Have I lost you all? Plus a B/S-less chapter. Sigh. Oh well, its not the end yet... Although we do face the final curtain. Thanks for the reviews everyone.)


	27. Else To Do

...Else To Do

_Watch me break   
Watch me burn   
No-one is listening   
My friends..._   
Miss World' by Hole 

**_...boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past..._**

Buffy broke away from chewing her bottom lip to tilt her head sideways and look at the Vampire to her left. She narrowed her eyes with scrutiny and tried to forget the hour of silent boredom that he had just broken with... nonsense. 

**_What?_**

Another mental sigh pressed itself into her brain for a moment before he replied, 

**_Nothing. _**

**_Whatever._**

Buffy moved her shoulders uncomfortably, looking anywhere but at the bleached Vampire as she tried to work out an escape root. Despite all of his forward thinking once his digits had touched hers they'd fallen into un-blissful silence. Even when their hands had moved apart the uncomfortable quiet had stretched into an oblivion of sound. 

**_Doesn't seem like your mate is going to come through._**

Spike iterated, voicing the very thought that was going through Buffy's head at that moment. He was surprisingly nice about it, but it still made Buffy's gut twist to have to defend Willow when the redhead seemed to have forgotten them. 

**_I'm sure-- _**

**_Yeah, yeah, she'll do it in a minute. If you say so Slayer, I think we should find our own way out of here. _**

**_How? Without the glowing talisman... _**

**_...We can't make it material. That doesn't mean we can't get out of here. _**

**_How exactly, Spike, ask it nicely?_**

**_I don't know._** The Vampire admitted, hating already the way that this conversation was turning out. An hour before he'd seen hope for his new un-life choice, but now it seemed dim. After a few moments of holding her hand he'd chickened out and pulled back. She'd not said anything, he'd not said anything. And there had been silence all around. And now she was angry with him, which meant of course that it was about the hand-holding, whatever the bitch said. On top of that he was the only one trying to escape to help her friends, which for him, being evil and such, was a new experience. 

**_It'd be nice to look back._** Buffy admitted quietly, out of the blue, her eyes fixed on a spot far away. Spike opened his mouth to speak for a second, and to reprimand her, before remembering that it would not be wise to speak out loud in front of the beast. And when he did answer her it was not to berate. 

**_I know, pet. _**

**_Suppose you'd look back to a nice massacre with Dru at your side? _**

**_And you'd look back to snuggling up with your Angel? _**

**_No._** Buffy said after a pause. **_I'd go back to where you guessed earlier... The time before Vampires. Was there ever a time like that for you? _**

**_My human part, yes. First time I met a Vampire was my last time living._**

Buffy's brow crinkled in thought for a second before she pressed a question to him, still staring at that far off point as if afraid to see his facial expression when he answered. 

**_If demons are just Vampires who take over human's bodies, why do you talk about your bodies experiences as if they were your own? _**

**_Well..._** The Vampire wasn't sure why he was revealing everything to this Slayer. Perhaps his decision to change really was taking hold and making him honest and truthful. Or maybe he was just bored, which was more likely. **_...Its like you're born into the body you're given. Before there is nothing, then you're put into this body and all you know is that you're hungry. Then when you've... fed. You pick up everything around you. You see who you are; a killer. And you see who your prey are; humans. And you think that's how it is. But you can't remember anything, except for your host's memories. And they become yours, just like your host's name, and because you remember doing all of those things you believe you did do them. And its not like you're in their body anymore, you are their body. You're them. _**

**_...So a Vampire is really just a human without a soul? _**

Spike wrinkled his forehead and wanted to tell her that it was more than that. But he couldn't find the words to explain it, to explain what it was like to be a demon. To have nothing, then to have everything, at a terrible price, but to like it. It was hard to express, so instead he just agreed. 

**_Yeah, I guess. _**

**_That drinks blood and kills people,_** she added for emphasis, **_nice. _**

**_Humans kill people too, luv. _**

**_Not _**_normal_**_ humans. _**

**_What's normal? I'm sure there were people who thought that Hitler was a pretty nice bloke when they met him, regardless of what he did. Surely that's worse? Committing a crime with a soul than without. _**

**_Hitler was really great for you Vamps wasn't he. Every time people call you evil you bring out Hitler. How do we know that he wasn't a demon? He was just a minority..._**

**_Luv, you're dodging the question. _**Spike said tersely.

**_I..._** Buffy's thoughts drifted off as the old demon's are evil' mantra paraded its way through her head. This time she wondered if it was really true. Everything that she'd been told... Were demons really the enemy? Then she thought of her mom, deathlike in a hospital bed. And Jenny, killed before her boyfriend's eyes. And herself. Heart broken for loving a demon. No. Demons _were_ evil. 

And she needed to stop talking to this one before she began to think any differently. 

**_Hey, luv._** Spike said urgently, pulling her out of her train of black-and-white thought. **_I've just thought of a way for us to get out of this..._** he said, gesturing around at the white mist encasing the both of them. 

**_You kissed back... didn't you?_** The question was already out of her mind before she could stop it. 

**_W-What?_** Spike wasn't aware that you could stutter in your mind, and this way of enlightenment was not very welcoming. Why did she want to talk about this now that he had found a way out? Wasn't she the Queen of Denial? 

Buffy glanced around at their misty cage and didn't feel nearly as panicked as she had before. No pain. No battling. Just relaxing and talking. It was kinda sad when to took getting pinned to a tree by a mystical force for her to have some alone time. Even if it was alone time with Spike. 

**_The first time..._**

Spike shifted, as much as he could while pressed against the tree, as the question was left hanging. Was she going to start blaming it all on him again? He could almost feel the stake in his chest already. But would it really do any harm for him to admit it? She couldn't kill him now and he could always... run like hell when they escaped. Wuss. 

**_Yeah... I guess. _**

**_And the other time I kissed... back. We kissed. Each other._**

There was a subtle wonder in her voice that he might have found intriguing had he not been suspicious of what was to come next. Yes. They'd kissed. Was she only just realising that? 

**_Uh, luv, not that I don't like..._**

His words trailed off as she began to laugh, eyes closed and mouth spread in a wide open-grin. Her hands pressed to her stomach as if she was trying to stop all of her organs from bursting out and laughing at him as well. He guessed that it was stupid of him to hope that she'd actually... like... the kisses. Think they meant something? Hang on Spike, when did you think they meant something? You wanted to kill her. 

Tears rolled down the Slayer's cheeks covertly, drifting down her skin to drip off the edge of her face and onto the forest ground. At least _they_ could escape. If they made a best-timing-ever' award she should win it. Somewhere in the depths of her brain her subconscious must have made the decision between confronting some repression, or escaping. Timing. It shouldn't be a big deal. She'd kissed a Vampire. He'd kissed her back. She'd have to kill him. It happened. To her. But a question kept popping into her mind sporadically _just_ like a certain unstakeable Vamp, annoying and emergent; _What now?_ So you stake him. Cry. Then spend the rest of your life wondering, what if. Or, you don't, date another Vamp, become a social outcast, but it doesn't really matter because you'll be dead before anyone finds out. 

A cold voice broke through the laughter, thoughts and tears. 

**_What exactly did you think happened? _**

**_I... _**

**_Though it was all my fault? Horny Spike jumping your bones?_**

Just lie Buffy. Lie. Lie. Lie. Lie-- 

**_Well, yeah. _**

**_And then I was gonna... kill you? _**

**_Mmm..._** she confirmed, hesitantly before asking, **_Weren't you? _**

**_I... No... Hadn't really thought about it. _**

**_Liar. Ever since you came to Sunnydale all you've talked about is killing me. _**

**_But not after... them. _**

**_They were just kisses Spike. Not saying I'm bad kisser... but changing your life with my mouth....? _**

**_Depends what you do with your mouth._**

Spike arched a brow and she scowled, even if she did concede that she had walked into that one. He had to wonder what she was getting into here. Asking questions of him that he wasn't even ready to answer for himself. Let alone the uppity bitch who was gonna kill him. 

**_You wanted something more Slayer...? Love? Commitment? White picket fence to impale Vampires on as you avert Apocalypses? _**

**_God, Spike. It was just a few kisses. Sorry I asked. Its _**_never_**_ happening again._**

Buffy watched as the Vampire next to her bit his lower lip. Could it be that he was actually stopping himself from saying something? Spike? Master of Pissing-People-Off-With-Snark? She was seriously sorry she'd brought it up at all. But under the circumstances it was good, she supposed, that they'd talked about it like adults. 

**_You ever get tired, Buffy? Tired of... lying? _**

**_I'm not... I admit it; we kissed. I made a choice; it wont happen again. Sounds mature to me. _**

**_Mature. I'm over a hundred and I don't even know what that means. Most people who're mature are crying on the inside from all the... lack of feelings. Trying so hard to be grown-up so that they don't have to deal with all the cuts on the inside. So people won't see. Bloody stupid. _**

**_Spike... _**

**_I'm telling you now Buffy; its going to happen again. _**

**_But-- _**

**_It is. Cause I'm not mature, and neither are you._**

He'd said her name twice. It was oddly personal, as if finally he wasn't just talking to the killer part of her. The hunter. He was talking to the girl. Sure they were all the same person... but it was nice. The complicated mystery that is Buffy. Hah. 

Spike mentally kicked himself. Hell, if it wasn't impossible he would have physically kicked himself as well. What had happened to his epiphany that they analysed things too much. So much talking and all it amounted to was another way to hold back. Deep thoughts of a Vampire were kinda useless weren't they? 

**_So what was your plan?_** Buffy asked, changing the subject, quick to expand upon her question in case he got the wrong idea, **_To get out... What was your plan? _**

Instead of telling her, because that would be too simple, he decided to show her. Breaking eye-contact he turned and slammed his fist into the mist on his left as if trying to punch his way through it. He could almost hear the words of rebuttal about to leave her mind-- 

_--Staring at the stars, bloodlust sated, night so br--Writhing beneath him, trying to escape?, no, loving every second of--Laughter aching limbs--Dark corridors, no place to hide, it'd end soon--_

--**_WHAT ARE YOU? CRAZY?_**

Back in the forest Spike took a second to blink and rub the numbing flesh on his hand before answering the pissed off Slayer. 

**_Worried were you? _**

**_Only for myself. _**

**_What a surprise. _**

**_So that was your plan? Drive yourself mad so I could have some Looney Toons entertainment for all of eternity? _**

**_Pretty much._**

Spike couldn't meet her eyes for a moment, in fact his head was turned fully away even as he was speaking to her. He had felt the breath catch in his throat even before he realised he needed it no longer; the bloodlust flare even as he beat it down; the normal kind of lust scratch his demon to the surface for a few out-of-control seconds; and human fear touch his monster heart to make it phantom-beat for a precious moment. After a few more seconds he twisted his head around, surprised that he remembered how. And surprised that he was surprised in the first place. Perhaps his plan was not the best idea; but it was the only one. 

Buffy eyed her Vampire companion and tried to tell her heart to stop beating so quickly. Honestly, it was like she was chiming a dinner bell for every Vamp in the neighbourhood. Or at least that was how it sounded in her ears. She had _not_ been afraid. Not at all. But the screams that had issued from Spike's mouth as he punched out and was caught for what must have been only a second, though it felt like more, had... agitated her. As soon as denial forced the fear down from her throat anger took its place. Something that she always had a lot of, but before she could begin yelling at him he spoke again. 

**_Stupid bint. Of course that wasn't my plan. Look at the beast._**

Spike turned his head and watched as the Slayer flicked her eyes over the monster that was keeping them captive. The fur which had just been well-worn before now was almost absent from redraw skin, and the battered animal looked more worse-for-wear that it ever had before. Even as the pair watched it struggled to shift shape and rejuvenate what it had lost. 

**_I figure that it takes energy for it to hurt us with our own memories, so it takes it out of its physical form._** Spike explained. 

Her lips fell open into a small o' as she took in the beast and he couldn't stop the faintest of smiles that crept onto his lips. It was quickly banished, however, when she looked back at him, her amazement not masking the clear fury. 

**_You couldn't have just told me? You had to show? With the screaming and the... screaming? _**

**_You wouldn't have believed me. _**

**_I would. _**

**_We don't have that kind of trust Slayer. Besides, show-and-tell is so much quicker with you, see what happens when we talk... _**Spike gestured around to make his point clear. 

**_So your plan is to... _**

**_Suck it of its energy. Either it'll lose form here and we win, or it'll have to let us go to stay and we'll be free._**

Spike expected Buffy to argue more. To point out that they could go mad before they were free. Or that we didn't know what the beast could do next. But, for the first time perhaps, he saw why she had been Chosen. Instead of punching him or telling him to think of another plan; instead of calling him a stupid bloodsucker and ignoring him from then-on-in, she put out her hand. 

Its palm facing was him and for a second he wasn't sure what to do. Her glare was enough to start him into motion and he placed his hand against hers. She twisted her fingers around his, but instead of the friendly gesture of earlier, she dug her nails into the back of his hand and in one motion forced their joined hands forward into the bright mist wall covering both of them. 

He barely had enough time to register the fact that she had accepted his plan before painful light exploded behind his eyes. 


	28. Incomplete

(Author's Note: Slash warning (nothing too explicit))

Incomplete

_Where will you find yourself?   
Incomplete   
Where will you find yourself?   
'Cause you're the missing person now   
Step outside your doubt   
And let yourself be found_   
Incomplete' by Switchfoot 

The light almost blinded him and after over a hundred years of not seeing sunlight it should be doing more than that. He should be burning. Spike tried to order his body to run to shelter, but the limbs wouldn't move the ways that he told them to. In fact they didn't feel like his at all. His legs just continued their metronome walking. Looking around he tried to guess where to, knowing that if he was possessed, as he thought, then it wouldn't be somewhere good. 

He was in a sunlit school courtyard. Teenagers milled around, probably lingering for a few seconds before having to hurry off to class. Even as he took in the redbrick building all around him words issued from his throat that he had not said. 

Breath Buffy. Just breath. 

It was barely a whisper, clearly not directed at any of the people around him, but still audible to him. Buffy? Was she here? He tried to look around, but still his body would not obey. And the clicking as he walked was disturbing, as if he had suddenly turned into a manic-tap-dancer. Then as he walked towards one of the doorways he caught a reflection of himself in the glass. 

But it wasn't him. It was a girl of about fourteen, dressed in a knee-length blue skirt and white figure-hugging short-sleeved shirt. Her long dark-blonde hair was loose around her shoulders and a heart-pendant hung from her neck. Oblivious to the shock of her passenger the girl continued to walk in her expensive heels through the doors and into a locker-filled hallway. 

Spike had that odd feeling of dreaming, although he knew that he wasn't. Vampires didn't dream. Or if they did it wasn't of being teenage girls. But it was okay. It was fine. Because it was just a memory, right? For some reason, unbeknownst to him, he had been transported into one of the Slayer's memories, not his. Perhaps it was because they had been covered by the same mist. Safe in the knowledge that there was nothing he could do to change this, and that it should all end, he relaxed and decided to enjoy the show. 

Buffy couldn't believe her luck. A great report card, nomination to be Spring Princess and Tyler Simons, the best looking boy in the whole school, had asked her out. On a date! Plus she was the hotty-est hottie in the whole school. It was if her life was finally getting to be good again. Her social life anyway. At least more friends and parties would mean that she could spend more time away from her arguing parents. She honestly couldn't understand why they couldn't just get it together again already. Take a weekend away - leaving the house in their daughter's capable party-planning hands. 

So maybe she was a little nervous now. But it wasn't every day that you ascended. By the end of the day Buffy Summers _would_ be hanging out with _the_ most popular girls in school. She wouldn't just be hanging out with them, she'd be one of them. 

Buffy spotted the group of people she'd been looking for and pasted on a wide smile. After a second of hesitation she rushed forward, calling out, 

Hey, Maxie! Ali! Nome! 

The three girls with the brand names turned around simultaneously. One raised her hand slightly in a wave, but the other two swapped their innocent-but-up-for-it looks to bitchy masks. The third quickly caught on and followed suit as Buffy reached them. 

Guys... what's with the bitch-a-thon? 

You're still talking to us Buffy? Cause I thought you were hanging around with Natalie--Natalia, whatever she calls herself.. Maxie spat, with all the venom that her fourteen years could allow. 

Buffy hesitated, the smile dropping from her face, ...hung out a bit... Just a couple of times. 

Right. And now you're... showing charity by hanging out with us again...? You know no-one can hang with that slut and us. We're just not _cool_ enough. 

That's not... _True_? But it was kinda. So she'd blown off her regular friends for Natalia and her older boyfriend with a car, so what? It wasn't like she was... betraying them. 

Hey, Buffy, its okay. We know you never took our friendship seriously. Just climbing the ladder of popularity. Whatever. Like we care. Just don't pretend like we're still friends when we're _so_ obviously not. 

Spike watched with veiled interest. So the Slayer had been a Vally girl. And a pretty stupid one at that. Was it something that he could use against her? Shallow was the only adjective he could come up with to describe the girl he was seeing now. If you dropped a pebble into her thoughts it would break the enamel. But there were still traces of his Slayer. The Slayer he knew. Even now. Most of what she thought was about boys and clothes... but not all. He guessed this was before her calling. She was unlikely to have been so flip with people after beheading a few. It was as if being the Slayer completed her, what she was. Now she was just another kid without purpose. 

The teenager turned round with a scowl plainly plastered over her pretty features. She might have used them a little but what right had they to blow her off? She wouldn't have dropped them as friends. She'd have made them as popular as she was going to be. Now they were just stuck where they were. They were going to be lonely. _They_ were-- 

***

Spike was swinging a punch at someone's head. Fist connected with face, snapping it backwards for that vital second. He jumped in, the stake in his left hand raised triumphantly, and thrust it downwards into the Vampire's heart. The small look of shock that passed over the demon's face was almost as satisfying as the pile of dust he crumbled into. Spike couldn't help but grin, winning was always something he was great at. It beat losing. And although he hadn't been fighting for long, numbers were firmly in the plus column at the moment. He twirled the stake in his hand in a fancy move before shoving it into his belt. The night was young and there was plenty of Vamps to be slayed before dawn. 

He didn't know what Merrick had been talking about when he said that the bloodsuckers were fatally dangerous. Okay, he did, but he'd won so many times that he was beginning to feel kinda invincible. Like a comic book hero. The Slayer. It would actually make quite a good comic-book title. Of course he'd have to collect all of the revenue, seeing as it would be based on him. He was after all the Slayer 

_No, no, no, no, no, no he was _**_not_**! _Not_ the Slayer. A Vampire. V a m p i r e. _Not_ Slayer. Bloodsucker. _Not_ teenager. Demon. It was just getting hard... hard to stay in one mind at the same time. With the kid's thoughts laid out there like an open book. Maybe this was the madness taking hold of him already. And he was afraid. He thought that crazy would be all right, seeing as you wouldn't be able to tell you were. Catch 22. But forgetting who he was completely? Even as the beast tried to rip a non-existent soul from his body, would he be thinking he was someone else. Would _he_ be lost forever. Like in that place before being Sired. Forgotten by even himself. It was terrifying. Not that the body he was inhabiting showed any sign of realising he was there. It was a small... mercy? Hah. Mercy. 

Buffy couldn't help strutting _just_ a little as she walked though the cemetery. Watcher-free and already two Vampires down and dusted. So she hadn't chosen to be the Slayer, so what? She had, like, a whole other identity. It was mysterious. Men liked mysterious, right? And with Tyler firmly in the past, she was up for catching a few. And it was so much funnier being out of the house, rather than inside listening to the final straws being added to the back of the camel that was her parent's marriage. 

A hand burst from the earth a few metre's away and the grin, which Buffy wasn't even aware had disappeared from her mouth, reapplied itself. 

Except for the worries of insanity, this was much better than the last memory for Spike. Fighting, killing, Slayer. And as he felt the phantom tugs at his arms and legs in-time with her movements, he couldn't help half-wishing that he was back in Slayer-mode. Just to feel what it was like for her. A fight for him was bloodlust. But she had hot blood pumping around her veins already. Surely that was better. It had to be. And he watched with a satisfaction that almost bordered on pride as she staked her third Vampire that night. She couldn't be more that a few months older than she had been in the last memory. But she flowed better. What was the word he'd used? Complete? Complete. Being the Slayer made this girl complete. What had changed?-- 

***

Spike breathed, happiness filling him for the briefest of moments at the sight of the Souled Vampire. 

Angel asked, delight clear in his voice as if he couldn't be sure it was him-- it was her. It was confusing. 

Its me, Angel. I--I brought you some... blood... It sounded lame even as Spike said it. Was it too forward? He did think of coffee but... did Vampire's drink that? He wasn't sure, and he didn't want to make a mistake. So what did Vamp's drink? Blood of course. 

Oh Buffy... Angel started forward and took the offered jar, the emotions on his face seemed to be pain and gratefulness rolled into one. 

Shouldn't I--? 

No. No. Its great. But you didn't have to. Seeing you is enough for me. Didn't need to bring snacks. 

Maybe I am the snack. _Oh god, did I really just say that? I'm the snack? Now he either thinks I have a death wish or that I'm some big ho._ I didn't mean...Uh... 

Its okay... Sit down.. Angel was actually smiling, perhaps he thought it was cute or something. He waved his hand towards a chair, so Spike sat down, his hands clasped firmly on his lap. 

I...Missed you... Spike said haltingly. He wished men weren't so damn hard to talk to. Say too much and they thought you were asking for lifetime commitment, say to little and they thought you weren't interesting. Angel's eyes lighted up at the words and he crouched down, taking one of Spike's hands in his own. 

I missed you too, Buffy... I just didn't... I didn't want to crowd you. 

Crowd me? How can you crowd when you're _never_ around. Men. 

I'm older that you Buffy. You need time to... do stuff that I can't even remember. That I probably wouldn't remember... Because things are different now. 

Spike started, his voice clearly irritated. He thought they'd already been through this whole I'm-over-two-hundred-years-older-than-you thing. 

No... Stop. Angel laid two finger's over Spike's lips and he stopped talking immediately. Buffy. I'm not backing out. I just want to take it slow with you... Because.. love... like ours... can afford to be slow. Okay? 

I guess. Spike mumbled, before kissing the fingers on his lips. Once. Twice. Angel removed them, suddenly he seemed to be uncomfortable. Spike guessed that the Vampire meant slow, slow. Very slow. It wasn't like he was a slut or anything, but what was wrong with kissing his boyfriend. Even if it wasn't on the mouth. _Stop those thoughts right now_! Ick. That was not something tha-- 

Spike was glad that he did not have his own body because otherwise he'd would be vomiting for the first time in over a hundred years. Right now. Over Angel-boy and his pretty black clothes. There was something so, sickening, about what was going on, that Spike was inclined to just fall into the madness so that he could stop believing it was him kissing the brooding-one. Sickening. Was that really what she wanted? Comfortable silences and blood-shopping? Finger kissing and eternal love? The only thing that was remotely attractive about that was... the emotions. For a moment happiness had touched his dead heart, and the feeling of being loved. And loving it return. Although that emotion wasn't so alien to him. It was definite fallacy that Vampire's can't feel. But being human it just came... easier. He might miss that. Might. 

Angel leant in and kissed the beautiful girl before him, he cupped her cheek ever so gently in his hand as if she were apt to break at any accidental movement. That was what the demon inside him called out for. It called for him to finish the young girl's life, drain her dry, fuck her senseless. But he didn't listen to that part of him much anymore. Especially when he was in the presence of such a vision. After all his years of torture it seemed hardly fair that he should find love. But here it was, right before him. And despite all of his gentle words and slow movement, he wasn't going to let it get away. Unless she wanted it to. Because he would never hurt her. 

Buffy rubbed that spot at the back of his neck with her fingers as she pushed her tongue into the kiss. It was tender and soft and romantic. Just what they needed after such words. They had plenty of time for the passionate stuff later. She hoped. He was always touching her as if she would shatter. She kept on meaning to show him that wasn't the case, but a small part of her loved to be pampered. And worshipped. 

There was that sick feeling back again. Spike would have closed his eyes if he could. But they weren't his eyes. He didn't know why it bothered him so much. He knew that she loved the poof. And at least now he could see now what was lacking in their relationship. But watching them... first hand, so to speak... was filling him with something like jealousy. _Like_ jealousy because there was really no rational reason for it. She didn't love _him_ anyw-- 

***

Spike sprinted across the grass. His destination in plain sight, but terrified that a moment could mean the difference between life and death. He pulled out the stake that he had stashed in his belt. The wood felt familiar in his fingers, in a way that he had been told it would. After he became a good Slayer. The person who had told him that was now in trouble. And Spike had to help. 

Get away from here, girl! Merrick had spotted him. Good. Then he knew he had back-up, he could-- You're not ready for this. Go! 

The other man. Who wasn't a man at all. Flicked his gaze onto the Slayer with expressionless red eyes. He seemed to muse for a second before speaking with a sickly sweet voice. 

Well, well. All this for me? 

Spike straightened up, twirling the stake again in one hand. Did the Vampire think that he could best the Slayer and her Watcher? He was going to be surprised. Shooting a glance over at Merrick he saw with surprise that the Watcher had no weapons other than a gun. Was it all on him then? He could do it. 

Girl, for once in your life... Merrick said, swinging the weapon up and enunciating each of his next words with a shot at the Vampire, Do. As. You're. Told. 

Each shot hit the demon, but being just that they did no more than hurt him. And force him back a vital step. Merrick could handle it. He'd been fighting Vampire's longer than this Slayer. But Spike was still unsure... what if something were to happen? He was in the best shape of his life, ready to kick demon ass, and now when he had just that opportunity he was being told to run... 

You heard the man, Buffy! Get on! Lets go, now, before I realise how stupid it was to come back! 

Spike turned his head and stares at the boy calling him. The boy who was slowing becoming his friend. And decided that perhaps Merrick could handle it. It was only one Vampire. 

You insult me with that... The Vampire snarled, recovering and pointing at the gun. 

Just a distraction. You'll not have this one. Not this time. 

Spike swung his leg over the back of the motorcycle and clung onto the driver tightly. Merrick could handle it. 

I have her face, and after I make you mine, a Vampire, you will give me her name. Even kill her for me if I command it. The Vampire rasped. 

The bike roared to life beneath Spike and all other words were drowned out. He glanced back to see Merrick reply to the Vampire. Why wasn't he staking him? And then... Then the Slayer's Watcher turned the gun and placed in into his own mouth. Spike couldn't watch. And yet he couldn't save either. The bike was already speeding away and the loud roaring was filling his ears even as tears filled his eyes. The sound of the motorbike could not drown out the sound of a gun firing. Once. 

Salt water dripped down his cheeks and his heart shattered. As a little piece of him broke off, leaving him incomplete. He wanted to scream, and to beat someone up, even as he wanted to cry and sob into someone's arms. He wanted to turn around and kill the fiend that had caused this, yet he was afraid of his own death. Was this what a Slayer was? A killer? Not just of demons. Of Vampires. But of people. Of friends. Of himself. They called this a Calling? It was more like a curse.--

(Author's Note: I would apologise for the lateness of this double-chapter whammy, but because of a few....uh... rude reviews I don't think I need to. Don't get me wrong. I love all of my reviewers and I wish I could write more for them. But I'm also trying to get some qualifications. And they come first. Anyway... I hope this chapter wasn't too confusing, or disturbing (mostly the B/A/S scene... *evil laugh*). Basically Spike did not appear at all, but we were hearing his thoughts as he slowing went mad inside Buffy's memories, for anyone who didn't get that.)


	29. Climbing To Fall

Climbing To Fall

_I can be anything that you want me to be   
A holy cross, some sympathy, oh   
That reminds you not to bleed   
I found the note down in your car   
And you climbed up here to fall apart   
Fall apart_   
'Made of Steel' by Our Lady Peace 

Buffy sighed at the view around her changed again. She prepared to ignore the things she saw, to place them somewhere far away where she would deal with them later, or so she told herself. She'd been treated to so many images of Spike's killing that her head was reeling. Of course he'd had many years at it, and so their were many memories, but for a while she had almost hoped to see him as a different kind of Vampire. A nicer Vampire. No luck there though. There was no time more than this that she wished she'd killed him, and Drusilla, and even Angel. The horrors she had seen, and performed through a demon's eyes, were enough to drive anyone mad. 

Which was why, she guessed, she was seeing the Vampire's memories and not her own. It was a sickening trick, a point which she would drive thoroughly through with this beast once she was free. Because it had miscalculated, if it thought it could send a Slayer crazy with images of death, then it really had no idea what a Slayer was. Perhaps it was trying to make her believe that she had done these things, but the creature that did them was nothing more than a that. A creature. A monster. As if she could ever become that. Or think she could become that. She didn't even understand it. So as the images changed before her and a new setting swum into view, she was fully prepared for yet another blood-bath. 

It was surprising when instead of a dark alley, a well-lit room was her new habitat. She seemed to be sitting on a comfortable sofa near a fire. As far as she could tell their was no-one else around. A pen and paper were clutched in her hands. She concentrated and tried to push further into the memory, to find out what was happening, who was to die now, what Spike was thinking. What he was doing... 

The young gentleman pressed his pen to the paper firmly as though he were about to write a brisk note and not a poem. A thing of beauty. As if the fates wanted to make this distinction between the two writing styles, and therefore the two personalities, the pen stayed immobile as if suddenly all thoughts had run from the young man's head. Ink pooled on the paper as the time stretched from seconds to minutes and the man tried to work out the perfect way to describe a vision. 

A hand was placed upon his shoulder and instantly he was aware of someone watching. Indeed, had he not been so engrossed in thought then he would have noticed earlier. He took the briefest of moments to enjoy the soft weight on his shoulder before turning his head to see who it was that disturbed him, because it could only be _her_. Hair in ringlets, pinned atop her head, dark eyes, full lips... ready to say something. He waited for this apparition to speak. 

What are you doing? was the playful inquiry. 

he folded over the paper hastily, 

Show me. she insisted, holding out a demanding hand. 

I wouldn't bother, Dru, it'll just be more poetry from our dear William. 

Drusilla made a noise of disappointment and immediately detached herself from her companion. Spike, keen to make amends, snorted and exclaimed, 

I think not. Just because you draw those goddamn pictures still, does not mean that I-- 

He was cut short by the sheet of paper being snatched from his hand. Angelus took pains to unfold it slowly and smooth out the creases, then to clear his throat as if it needed to be clear. 

Oh...There is nothing... Nothing but an ink blot, though to be truthful it does not differ from his usual work greatly. 

Dru whined plaintively as Angelus threw the paper onto the fire lavishly. Spike was torn between going to her and hanging his head in shame. What kind of killer was he? 

Oh do shut up, Drusilla.. snapped Darla, uncurling from the chaise in the shadowy part of the room, her dress and hair immaculate as always, but bloodspots from her latest kill slightly visible on her cheek. More visible was the solitary body that she left behind on the padding as she stood and shot the still-whining Drusilla a glare, This your fault, dear, if you hadn't insisted on picking such a weak one... 

Spike shot up from where he was sitting, livid, as if finally breaking through the haze that had surrounded him as his poetry was attacked. He knew almost in an instant that his demon face had surged forward and he snarled menacingly at the small blond. She did not look in the least impressed, but Angelus clapped his hands twice, 

See... Maybe he's not quite as spineless as we thought. Now them... Angelus directed the group's attention to the dance floor in the main part of the room where ladies were led about in a spirited waltz by men in fine apparel, They have potential... Shall we? 

Yes, please, lets do... Darla said, still board from the tone of her voice, ...Make them scream, Angelus, show the fledgling how its done... 

Angelus stalked over to Darla and captured her mouth in a fierce kiss before turning and leaving for the crowd. As soon as he left their dark recess, he seemed to blend in with the handsome youths, and had it not been for their blood bond, Spike would almost have guessed that the other Vampire had left entirely. Darla followed him shortly after, gaining interested glances the second she appeared in the light. 

Spike wiped a hand over his forehead, and as if he was pushing back the demon face, felt it retreat under his touch until he looked just liked the normal man they all taunted him about. William the poet. William the bloody poet. In society he could not rid himself of that name, and now they bullied him with it again. Except now he was a killer, just like them, and he'd make them call him by his new name. Spike. 

The Vampire was about to step out into the crowd before realising that they was missing the most vital part of the group. His beautiful Sire, Drusilla, was slumped up in the place that he had vacated a few moments before, her knees draws up above the floor and her feet tucked beneath her, dress riding up to reveal an improper amount of leg. 

D-Drusilla, pet... are you coming? 

she asked, as if he were not right in front of her. In fact she didn't even move her head as she inquired, her gaze fixed on a place in the fire that Spike could not see. 

Yes, luv, its me... Spike... The others are going to have all the fun without us if we don't hurry... 

Spike...I feel cold... she pouted, not as a petulant child, but more as an ageing woman. 

Spike looked around instantly as if expecting to find some blankets strewn around this place as they were back home. Or at least where the Vampires were staying at the moment. His eyes flicked from the fire and back to Drusilla worriedly. 

Have some blood, Dru, it'll warm you up quickly. Nice young blood. 

Drusilla sprung to her feet in a split-second and lunged at the fire. Spike, in a panic, clutched for her, unsure of what she might do if she was in one of her states. They came on more regularly now. She did not, however, jump into the flames as he had been expecting her to do, instead she straightened after a second, brushing him away, and holding up a scrap of paper that the fire had not caught. She glared at him accusingly, 

You were writing again! she snapped, a little loudly. 

I... was... Spike admitted slowly, But it was for you... baby... it was for you. 

She tossed the scrap back into the fire, doing a more competent job than Angelus as it quickly curled and blackened, Silly boy, she said, condescension dripping from her voice. Taking a step forward she slapped his face once, hard. 

Silly, stupid, boy... she continued with a shake of the head, before sweeping past him and out into the crowd like the rest. Spike put a hand up to his face and tried to puzzle out what had vexed her. He would change everything he was to please her, to be _with_ her. 

Drusilla doesn't want a poet, boy... She wants a killer. 

Spike turned and eyed the ever-stealthy Angelus, who was wiping at a spot of blood on his collar absently with a finger as he stared at the younger Vampire. Soon he abandoned his wardrobe and pulled back the curtain that separated Spike from the rest of the party, bowing slightly as he invited Spike into his world. Their world. Spike did not hesitate a second, instead he hurried forward and past into the dancing throngs. Ready to kill-- 

***

Buffy blinked and in an instant she was somewhere else. An alleyway as she had been expecting before, but in the daytime. The sun beat down onto the cobbled street and in the distance a horse-drawn carriage moved around a corner. Fashionable ladies walked along the streets which were lined with shops, parasols of every colour held delicately in their hands and spread above their heads even if the sky was clear. 

As she was walking along the street, although dawdling might have been a fairer interpretation of what the body was doing, Buffy began to feel for the first time that she was actually in this memory. The sunlight felt so real, the scraping of the trouser-material against her knees as she walked, the splashes as her feet landed in small puddles. This memory felt different from the others. Its contrast from the previous one was of stepping from the cinema into the light on a summer day and suddenly feeling and seeing everything with painful clarity. 

Buffy found her eyes being cast downwards and a book being opened by her hands. But they weren't her hands, they were Spike's hands, of course. Not that she expected Spike to be reading but... Spike in the daylight? This must be a human-Spike. Or rather the human that was their before the demon began to inhabit its body. 

Buffy was interrupted from her exposition by a violent jolt. The book fell from her hand and she found a blush creeping to her cheeks. Or Spike's cheeks. Because he'd just walked into someone. 

a female voice chastised, managing to reach that pitch that said exactly what as wrong with him. Everything. 

William mumbled automatically, before adding, So sorry... Sorry.. he bent down, trying to pick up the book he had dropped unfortunately into a puddle, and to move out of the ladies way as they passed him with their noses high in the air. 

William squeezed the book and watched dirty water drip from its pages. He only hoped, weakly, that none of the ink had been smudged. If it had been his own work it would not have been that much of a tragedy, but the work of any other author should not be mistreated so. It was his own fault, though, he should have waited until he had got home before opening it, but a new book was always so exciting. But now Mrs Ritchmond would glare at him for at least an entire week, and tell all of her friends to do the same. 

William sighed and tucked the volume into an inside pocket, firmly promising to wait. He began to walk through the streets again, wishing that he had brought enough money to hire a Handsome, but accepting forgetfulness as another one of his failings. He was supposed to attend a coffee morning with Ms Brackens and her three nieces anyway, which was in this district. They were new money, and had only just moved into the neighbourhood, so it was only prudent to call and introduce oneself. And mother was getting too old to be doing such things. William would have much rather skip the whole meeting, but he knew that his mother would be disappointed if he did not show the common courtesy he had been taught. 

The young gentleman turned abruptly and made his way down one of the richer streets of London. Simply the look of it told anyone who would walk upon it that they were among money. The sunlight had no trouble illuminating the streets as the tall houses were far enough apart not to produce any kind of shadowing overhang. William hurried past all of the rich-looking abodes, skipping over the deep gutter between road and pavement as almost an afterthought. He cast his eyes to the ground, feeling that surely someone would be looking out of a window and would have seen him walking along the road as if he did not travel in society at all. 

Once he found the house he was looking for William trotted up the dozen-or-so steps to the front door and rang the bell timidly. He waited for an agonising minute, thinking of what an embarrassment it would be not to be admitted, before the door swung open to reveal a neatly-clad doorman. William blinked for a few seconds as the doorman simply looked at him expectantly, before he remembered his manners. He fumbled around in his pockets as the blush on his cheeks grew before finally pulling out a calling-card. The doorman bowed, his face betraying a little scornful amusement at the visitor, and welcomed William inside. 

Please come through to the drawing room, a butler directed politely, opening a side door that could not be to one of the houses best rooms. Once he had caught William's eye the butler added Ms Brackens will be with you shortly, and then after a rather audible pause he nodded, , before ducking out of the room and closing the door firmly behind him. 

William moved himself over to a comfortable looking chair. The room was small and could have easily been described as charming', decorated for the most part a light buttercup yellow. He had barely sat down before having to rise again, the door opening and a commanding looking woman walking inside. She would have been beautiful except for her harsh mouth, set with thin lips. William fixed on a polite smile, 

three other women, each barely older than sixteen, swept into the room behind their aunt. William bit his tongue for a second before continuing with his greeting, Ms Brackens, Miss Annabelle, Miss Emma, Miss Elisabeth, what a pleasure it is to see you all, and looking so well. 

Yes, you also Mr Michaels she said with insincerity, pausing to let her nieces seat themselves down in a neat row before adding herself to the end of the party, Please, sit down. she finished commandingly. 

William did as he was told, folding his hands onto his lap and smiling pleasantly at each of the young girls. They returned his affections with as much emotion as society would allow someone such as himself. 

So, what brings you here, Mr Michaels 

I simply wished to introduce myself, and my family, to you Ms Brackens. My mother would ordinarily have made the journey, but she is of present not very well. 

Yes. I had heard that. Ms Brackens sniffed, not showing the slightest bit of concern. 

Mr Michaels? one of the nieces, a slim blond girl that many would probably find attractive, inquired shyly, Have I not heard that name before...? 

William was not entirely sure that question was directed towards him. But the very idea of it made his stomach turn. Gossip about oneself was hardly ever a good sign. He wondered, though was afraid to ask, what this girl had heard about him. Luckily Ms Brackens was not so concerned. 

Oh yes, Annabelle, I think I know what you mean... the woman turned to stare at William, Did you not propose to Miss Addams last week? 

And she refused him! the youngest of the woman shrieked with delight, before pressing a hand to her mouth as each of the others shot her reproachful glances. 

That will be enough, Elizabeth. Upon reflection I'm sure this is not a topic Mr Michaels wishes to discuss. 

William bit his lower lip and decided not to correct them. The rumour that had spread around town of his refused proposal was less painful that what had actually happened. Miss Addams, Miss Cecily Addams, had refused his partnership in a dance, telling him that she wished to sit it out only to a moment later take the hand of another gentleman. How it had been blown out of proportion William did not know, but he was sure that it brought as much grief to Miss Addams as it did to him. Still he did not wish to correct the matter, because exposing his failure as a suitor was far less painful than exposing her mistake and forgetfulness. Yes, he was doing her a service by not saying a word. And perhaps she was grateful of it. Perhaps-- 

***

Suddenly Buffy wasn't breathing again. A heart wasn't thumping in her chest. Blood wasn't rushing through her veins. She waited for her body to cease up, to start shutting down, to die. Until she realised that, again, she was somewhere else. And she was a Vampire. Again. Or rather Spike was. She was still the Slayer, temporarily in a Vampire's memories. She wondered if Spike was viewing her memories, just as she was seeing his. But the thought was just too intrusive to ponder for too long. It didn't really matter, because he was dust as soon as he helped her kill this beast. Even if the last few memories had brought new dimensions to his personality, all she saw was still a cold blooded serial killer. 

A small voice in the back of her head told her that she'd known all along what he was when she'd kissed him. Touched him. Expressed... attraction. But knowing was different from seeing. 

So here she was again, in a darkened alley, waiting to kill something she'd guess. Or rather someone. As far as she could tell she was alone, peering into the blackness with Vampiric sight that was really scandalous compared to that of the Slayer. Did the Powers-That-Bewant her to lose? Then again it did show fledgling stupidity in a new light. Literally and metaphorically. The hearing as well was a surprise. In her own body she would have heard the cars splashing through puddles and the light spattering of rain on the ground. But now she could also hear the distant music pounding in the underground club next-door, and the heartbeats of three children as they slept in a building somewhere to her right. Or perhaps that wasn't hearing, perhaps it was more like sensing. 

A group of drunken twenty-somethings stumbled from a side door, which had burst open a few seconds before, the lyrics I am an antichrist.. I am an anarchist..' blasting out for a second. Buffy watched as one of them sprawled onto the wet tarmac while his friends swore obscenities at the quickly closing door. They were all dressed in suitably ripped jeans, band T-shirts and docs. She found herself chucking at them, as they looked like a truly pathetic bunch. 

She must have been louder than she'd intended as one-by-one the men turned and glared at the part of shadows she was hiding it. As it was useless to stay there any longer she stepped forward and glared at the four men who had suddenly grown silent. 

Something funny? one demanded, his slurred voice revealing an English accent that Buffy couldn't place. 

she found herself saying, You guys, getting thrown out of a place like this.. she indicated the club with a hand and saying with mocking sincerity, Isn't this one of _them_ clubs? 

The man she'd been talking to lunged forward only to be held back by two of his friends. Once the group had calmed they walked forward as one towards her, the anger radiating from them almost a scent. She found herself feeling oddly confident. And smug. Because she knew she could take them. She could... Spike could... They could. 

Hey look, mate, I don't want any trouble.. she said unconvincingly, as that was exactly what she wanted. 

Not our problem the closest man said before swinging a punch right at her face. Compared to demons they moved so slowly, and she easily dodged the punch, countering with two of her own to the second man's face. He went down and didn't get back up, sometimes she forgot how fragile humans were. Or Spike forgot. She wasn't exactly sure. 

Of the remaining three men she chose the most healthy-looking one and immediately started pounding into the other two. Neither of them had a chance, disorientated and fighting a Slayer. A demon. She shot a foot out into one man's middle, reeling him back as she twisted the head of his friend. If the man had been about to scream no sound made it past his partially opened lips as she broke his neck and dropped his corpse onto the ground. 

But it wasn't her, because she wasn't a killer. It was Spike, the Vampire. She shouldn't be enjoying this, or taking part, she should be ignoring this... She should be disgusted. What kind of person was she that enjoyed killing humans? People. Good people. People with souls. It was his memory, of course, the shame told her, his memory that was polluting her mind. But it would get better soon, because soon they would be free and safe. 

Spike backhanded one of the remaining men fiercely, causing him to fall to the floor and his face to crunch into the tarmac painfully. He also would not be getting up anytime soon. The Vampire directed his attention to his chosen prey, the final man who now stunk of more than alcohol and cigarettes. He smelt of fear. 

Not feeling so well, mate? 

groaned the man. 

S'alright. Come here. he commanded, his voice suddenly soft. 

the man continued negatively. 

No? That's not very polite is it? I'll come to you then. Spike walked forward slowly, in no hurry for this final kill. The man staggered on his feet, but did not turn away or try to run. In a way that saddened Spike, a nice sprint might have been exhilarating. Got the blood warm and just pumping. But the night was still young. 

He took once careful step forward and in the streetlight, shook off his human mask. He felt the man's heart start beating faster as if it was his own. And fear was more of a stench on him now. In a split-second Spike darted forward and grabbed the man. He twisted him around so that they were chest-to-back, and tilted back the head of his victim. The man didn't make a sound as sharp teeth penetrated his neck, and tore at the flesh until two gouges were opened. Rich bittersweet blood flowed into the Vampire's mouth as he set it about the wounds and drank deeply. Drinking in life in that dingy alley as humans drink in water. No, more like air. A pleasurable necessity. 

As soon as the body became a dead-weight in his arms, and there was no more blood to come from him, Spike dropped it to the floor amongst his friends. Two of them still lived, and for the moment he didn't feel like changing that. Leave them to some newly-risen fledglings who did not know how to hunt yet. He needed to get better blood than this to bring back to Dru-- 

***

Buffy pressed down on the wheels of her chair as she pulled it to a stop outside _their_ door. She could hear noises inside. Noises she would rather not hear. From them. But they were muffled and her strangely calm brain told her to get closer, so that she could be sure. It was masochistic, but she did it, rolling the chair around until she could rest her head against the cool wooden door and so that the moans and grunts could be not mistaken from within for what they were. Angelus and Drusilla. 

She supposed that she should be surprised they weren't doing it in plain view. Angelus liked to annoy her more than anything, and his flirtation with Dru, he had discovered, was the thing that caused her the most irritation. 

In a flurry of movement that many thought her not capable of now, she gripped onto the wheels of her chair and rushed away, through passageways of the mansion, until she reached that very familiar room with the long hardwood table. Sitting upon that table was a half-full bottle of nondescript alcohol which she hurried to pick up and empty down her throat. The liquid burned briefly, but didn't take away the images that were forming in her brain of _those_ two together. 

Somewhere far away Buffy knew that it was not her in the chair. Not her drinking the alcohol. Not her wracked with fury over what she'd just overheard. It was him; Spike. But in the strangest way she could almost believe it was her. Because that was also her ex-lover in there, touching another woman. And so she let his feelings envelop her, so that she almost had an excuse to be so angry, so that she could say it was his memory that brought her such grief, his tears that caused her to cry. 

Because tears were rolling down Spike's cheeks. Of anger, of shame, of jealousy but mostly of pain. Over a hundred years and she still went crawling back to her daddy as soon as he called for her. He should have known, he should have seen it coming. Should have stopped it. He should have... 

Spike smashed his hand down onto the table, the glass bottle in it shattering. The shards cut and dug into his skin, but still he pounded his fist down onto the same spot, as if hoping that the physical pain would take away the mental. It didn't. And after a few agonising seconds he raised his shredded and bloodied hand to his face to force away the tears that kept coming. Buffy felt as if she was doing the same, even if her hand did not bleed, her tears did roll. And she felt the same way about them as Spike. Ashamed. Because she should not be weak. She was a hunter. _A killer_. She was a Champion. _A knight_. She was the Chosen One. _Her chosen one_. Slayer. _Vampire_. They should _not_ cry-- 

(Author's Note: Hey everyone, so this was an extra-long chapter. I hope that's good in the 'more to read' sense, rather than bad. As some of you guessed it is the flip-side to the previous chapter. Thanks for all the support and reviews :-))


	30. The Two Together

The Two Together

_Emperor   
You fill her thoughts with gold   
When have-nots kill their foes   
This wanting is wasted   
We're not them   
This wanting is wasted_   
Wanting is Wasted' by The Sheila Divine 

Drusilla ran through the forest, her eyes overflowing with scalding tears that fell from her face and into nothingness. Her hands clawed at the undergrowth as it clutched at her, ignoring thorns and nettles trying to cut deep gashed in her skin. Her feet, in thin shoes, felt as if they were bleeding from the running she had been doing. But still she did not stop. She could not stop. Of that she was quite clear. Her angel was dead, she sensed it, but there was still her knight to save her from _them_. 

She could feel her boy somewhere out here, in this vast expanse of forest, and she ran towards the tugging in her stomach. Their connection was like a lifeline that she pulled herself along, desperate to find him so that they could be together again. And leave this place to cause glorious mayhem for another hundred years. 

The Vampire wasn't sure why she was running so fast to reach her creation. She was hardly ever in a hurry for anything. Time usually seemed to move around her to suit her will. But now she felt a certain sense of urgency telling her that if she did not rush, she would lose Spike as well. Her partner for over a hundred years, she would not give him up lightly. 

Drusilla snapped a branch in half that happened to be blocking her pathway, not sparing a glance to her hands that were now decorated with splinters. She had come to Sunnydale weak, but had now rejuvenated to almost full strength and would not let a few shards of wood stop her. Bursting out into a clearing from behind a particularly dense patch of trees, she stared at the sight before her. The Vampire's eyes widened with childlike awe as she tilted her head back. Her mouth opened in a fanged-smile, her Vampire visage the only thing ruining the innocent posture. 

So bright... In the dark... she reached out as if trying to touch the source of her amazement. A bright-blinding mist shining against a clump of trees. It hurt her eyes to look at it. A new sensation. The light bathed her in a way that she vaguely remembered, back from the days when she would play with her sisters in the daytime. But that was in another lifetime. One that she only had snatches of now and again. 

The eerie illumination of her features was once again comforting, and she could almost have paused there for a while to enjoy it, but she remembered her purpose. She had to find her Childe, and leave, before it became too dangerous for her to stay. She again connected to that bond they had, and found that he was close. Startlingly close. Impatiently she tugged against the bond, expecting him to come running. But he didn't. 

The light took on a more sinister air to her now as her gaze returned to it. She could not see its source, but she could tell that it was hiding something from her. 

Naughty. Show Drusilla. Show Drusilla what's hidden... she murmured, stepping forward. 

The mist, not heeding her calls, stayed exactly where it was. Her brows drew together, though it was barely noticeable through the already bumpy forehead. Things rarely disobeyed Drusilla, at least not that she noticed, if they tried she'd kill them. Stepping forward to the vapour she glared at it, her eyes flashing a yellow-gold. With the Vampire sight she could make out two figures. 

Wrapped in the mist two bodies clutched at each other. It might have been mistaken by anyone else for a passionate embrace, but Drusilla could smell their fear. As hands ran along arms and fingers touched with skin, waves of terror emitted from both parties. But it was not their proximity to each other that seemed to produce the fright, that was clear. They looked like drowning swimmers holding on to each other as they floundered. Or frightened children clinging to an ideal of innocence. As if letting go of each other would cause them to lose everything. That was what they feared, Drusilla surmised, loosing each other. 

Drusilla growled and one of the figures stirred, as if in dream he was recalling some bad memory. She now recognised her playmate of a hundred years, and was surprised that she hadn't earlier. Though the surprised lessened, even as her rage grew, when she realised who his partner was. The Slayer. 

***

The doors swung open at the end of the Library and for a long moment neither of the occupying parties moved. Oz was slumped back in a chair, his eyes slightly glazed and fixed upon something distant. Willow was still perched upon the table cross-legged, her lips moved but the words that issued from them were no longer audible. She wafted about a wilted bunch of smouldering herbs which added a musky-earth smell to the already thick-scented Library. As sharp footsteps sounded upon the floor both parties seemed to stir finally, as if the trance they had been under was lifted at the same moment. 

Willow questioned, her voice croaking. As soon as the question had left her mouth she started coughing and Oz leapt up to pour her a glass of water. The smile quickly faded from the Watcher's face as a quick glance around the Library told him that Buffy was not back yet. Kendra's eyes narrowed as she noted the situation as well, but she did not question. She'd leave that to Giles. 

Giles stepped forward, waiting until Willow had finished drinking before continuing, Has Buffy not been back yet? 

Willow shook her head, looking tired and concerned all at once, I was hoping that she would have gone to help you two but... I knew it wasn't really true.. 

Because she hasn't used the spell yet. She waved a hand around in an expansive gesture, Uh, the talisman 

How do you know that...? 

Willow's eyes suddenly widened and she skipped straight to another topic, Where's Xander? To her surprise it was Kendra and not Giles that answered her. 

He is at the hospital with Cordelia... She was badly injured. 

Is she....going to be okay..? Willow questioned tentatively. Seeing as the girl wasn't around no-one could raise-brow her for caring just a little. 

Kendra answered simply. 

Giles pressed, torn between wanting to let the redhead know about her friends and helping Buffy. Helping Buffy won out of course, How do you know she hasn't used it yet? 

What? Oh. Because when she does there's supposed to be this tug... or pull... or something's supposed to break. There's a sign anyway... Didn't you look this spell up? 

Giles ran a tired hand over his forehead and through his hair in one movement. He could practically see the bruises begin to blossom on his body through the layers of tweed. He usually didn't feel old, or let himself feel old. But this time he felt as if he would allow himself that luxury. He almost fell into the nearest chair. 

Yes... Uh... Willow. I must have forgotten. 

Willow narrowed her eyes almost at once as she watched the Librarian. Not sure whether to leave him or question him. Or even to continue the spell, which she should be doing continuously to save Buffy. Guilt tried to creep in again but she beat it back down. Doing to spell as necessary. But... 

Giles... You don't think Buffy's dead do you..? 

The older man jolted up in his seat and quickly shook his head. An action that he almost straightaway deemed to be a bad idea as a headache blossomed like a disgusting flower. 

No, Willow, she is The Slayer... he paused and then amended with a nod to Kendra, One of the Slayers, and this beast cannot kill her if... he glanced toward the talisman pointedly, but quickly his gaze softened. She must have been chanting the same spell for hours, she looked exhausted enough. Perhaps he should let her rest. The thoughts of rest he brushed aside immediately, even if his bravado was believed by her he wasn't so confident about it himself. Buffy could be in danger. 

Willow digested his glance for barely a second before beginning to set the spell up once more. The meaningless actions helping distract her from the guilt that still kept trying to creep up her gut. 

Giles protested weakly as he watched her, Perhaps I should... 

No. I'm fine Giles. But maybe you two should go looking for her just in case... she drew a shaky breath, ... in case she needs your help. 

Kendra shifted her weight from one foot to the other as she tried to get comfortable leaning against the bookcase. Oz silently offered her a drink of water which she accepted with her eyes firmly cast upon the floor and a blush growing on her cheeks. Unfazed, or unnoticing, Oz poured out the liquid and placed the glass into the embarrassed girl's hands. Any menial task to keep his thoughts from the speculating that was going on. He was glad that Giles and everyone from that group had returned safely, but he worried about Buffy. More than he usually would because her death would be partially his fault. That sounded selfish. 

Do you need the first aid kit? Oz asked Kendra quietly as Giles and Willow talked dramatically. Kendra looked down at her bloodied knuckles and felt the ache of a previously dislocated shoulder. Finally she answered, 

No. I will be okay. her eyes still fixed on the ground. 

Slayer strength huh? Oz said, trying to tempt a smile out of the shy girl. It worked. 

Being the Slayer... she said in a contemplative tone, ... Just means that you don't break your knuckles when you punch someone. Doesn't make it hurt less. 

Then you need the kit. Oz persisted, turning to fetch it. Kendra grabbed his shoulder to stop him, but quickly let go as if she'd touched something very hot. Her face was almost scarlet. 

I'm sorry. But I don't need it. she explained. 

Oz said, smiling at the girl. But this time it didn't work, and she simply sipped from the glass of water in her hand, eyes averted. 

How was the fight...? Oz asked, trying to draw her into conversation again. 

It was... We won. she said simply, only expanding after a pause, We killed a lot of Vampires. Including Angelus. Well, Mr Giles killed Angelus. 

He did? Oz grinned. 

Kendra looked up at Oz, embarrassment forgotten as she described the long battle, ...The monster began pleading when he saw that Mr Giles was going to win. Apologising and saying he was sorry. But Giles just... Kendra made a motion with her hand to accentuate her word, ...threw the sword and it impaled Angelus though the chest. 

Oz raised his eyebrows, lips parted, in what Kendra assumed to be an expression of happiness or awe. She didn't even notice the boy digging his stubby fingernails into his palms as his hands flexed in and out of fists. 

That's great. he said finally, I wish I'd been there. 

Giles called, and her attention was immediately transferred, We're going to go into the forest to search for... To see if we can help Buffy. I understand if you're too tired but... 

I'm a Slayer. Kendra stated, again with simplicity, If you're not tired then I am not. 

Very well, Giles said, vaguely aware that Willow had begun chanting again, Rest for a few more moments and then we will leave... He smiled at the small group, turning his head so that his eyes never left them even as he walked into his office. As soon as he was inside the small room, with the door firmly shut, he sat down again and pressed a hand to his ribcage which he assumed he housed a few broken bones. 

His hand travelled upwards slightly to the place in his chest where his heart beat. He felt the metronome of his pulse even through the clothes, the blood rushing through his veins. He thought of a time when that sound had appeared from another person's chest as he reverently placed his ear against her skin. A person who he had left back in that mansion weeks ago, and he had not seen--not felt since. Even if her form had appeared tonight before him, offering him everything he had wanted over those lonely weeks, he had resisted. He guessed this pounding in his chest was what if felt like to be a better man. To choose humanity over lust. Life over death. To rise above. To work for the greater good. 

Giles fisted the material of his shirt over his heart, as if trying to cease the movement inside his chest. To kill the pain and the ideals that peppered his mind at every constriction. But the organ kept pumping. And Giles found that he didn't have the strength to stop it, or to battle its beats of heroism with his tears of sorrow. 

***

Drusilla marched forward, her face a twisted mask of rage. More twisted than the demon visage that pressed out of her skin. Her brows were drawn together, wrinkle touching wrinkle, her mouth was open in a permanent-silent-snarl and her eyes were stuck on a golden-yellow. She was not playing innocent anymore. 

The Vampire's fingers plunged into the mist, and travelled through it with ease, but she could not reach the objects of her anger. If she tried to move in any closer the mist would not let her. It did not invite anything larger than her arms to enter. She let out a howl that had the figures inside the whiteness trembling against each other, but did not seem to affect their surroundings. She backed away, her eyes never leaving them even as her feet hit roots and stones on the ground. 

Helplessness was not a feeling that she revelled in. She enjoyed the power of killing, power in the blood, the death. But now she saw _her_ Vampire intoxicated with the Slayer and her helpless. If she wanted him back at all that was. He was in love with her... Or he would be soon. Did she want to keep such a disgrace in her family. But they were family after all. His feelings could be punished out of him. By her. It could be fun. Inflicting. 

Drusilla found herself at the edge of the glade once again, her back pressing against a tree inviting her to relax backwards and watch the spectacle in front of her. She didn't want to. The wind blew through the trees making a whooshing sound and her Vampiric hearing pointed out all of the movement of animals amongst the grass and earth. It invited her to run, to hunt, a much more enticing proposition than resting. 

As if the couple she was viewing sensed her conflict, they began to move with more earnest. Limbs flailed against one another and the two broke apart. Their mouths were opened in silence and their eyes closed likewise. Expressions of pain, excitement, wonder passed over their faces in no particular order, faster and faster until they lost expression all together. The mist around them became thinner and their levitating forms slipped a little closer to the ground. 

Drusilla watched with amusement, tongue flickering out over her lips hungrily as she waited for the inevitable. The mist vanished in one quick moment. Their bodies seemed to hang for a long moment before rushing to the floor. In the last second Spike opened his eyes and snatched at the waist of the Slayer. He was too late to save her from impact with the floor. But he had tried. There was a crunch and a scattering of leaves, then silence. 

She waited for a split-second before skipping forward playfully, anticipating disaster. Both of the bodies were sprawled on the ground, Spike's arm was twisted underneath him awkwardly, and a large cut was weeping blood from the Slayer's head. They were both unconscious, but both alive. Or undead. Whatever. A pout grew on Drusilla's mouth as she stared down at her lover. Ex-lover. Months ago she had pulled him out of the rubble of a church and eventually he had returned to health. This wasn't the same situation. She looked down at his broken form beneath her, and her nose wrinkled. The expression on her face was the look of a Lady who has practised at her outward emotions. It clearly read: disdain. 

Drusilla turned around and walked calmly away from him. The trees were calling to her again, and the animals in the forest. The sun would not be up for a while, and she had plenty of time to find a new playmate. Plenty. 


	31. Lieto Fine

_Lieto Fine_

_I'm under your spell, so easily tortured   
Not knowing how this could turn out 'til it's over   
But you take away inhibitions I have in my heart   
You give me all the things I needed for so long   
So stop me now, even if it is love, even if it is love I feel..._   
Even If' by Lift 

Buffy's eyes drifted open. At least she thought they did. Because there was not much difference between the darkness of the forest and the darkness of her eyelids. She stared down at the ground as if hardly believing it was there. Beneath her. Nausea suddenly reminded her that she had a body and she scrambled to all-fours. She wasn't sure if she could stand just yet. Scrambling forward along the hard leaf-strewn ground she stumbled over a pair of legs. Her own legs. No... _His_ legs. They were his again, not hers. _Her_ legs had been the ones climbing over his. Did that make sense? 

She barely had time to ponder this before another wave of nausea hit her and she fought to move further away to where the grass was longer and pebbles didn't stick into her legs. As she reached the slightly softer ground her stomach decided it couldn't wait any longer and she began to wretch. She honestly didn't think she'd _ever_, in her whole life, eaten that much. With cold-sweat beading on her forehead, and bile burning the back of her throat, she sat up tentatively. Her hair swept around her face in curtains so that she could only see marginal parts of her surroundings, which was just fine with her. 

The Slayer's mind kept dancing back to memories that she was sure were hers, only they weren't. They couldn't be. But seeing as she did kinda live them, weren't they part of her... really? No. That wasn't her that had done those things. Any of it. The killing, the sex, the tea-parties. None of it was her. 

She touched a hand up to her forehead which was beginning to ache and discovered thick redness on her exploratory fingertips. She was bleeding. Carefully she probed the wound, deciding that it would probably need a stitch or two if she didn't want it to scar. And she didn't want it to. Unlike some, who shall remain nameless, Buffy the Vampire Slayer doesn't enjoy reminders of past battles tattooed across her forehead. Or tattoos of her embarrassing three-foot plummet towards earth. 

Her pointed reminders of battle scars suddenly reminded her of her partner. Her mist partner. Who must have also fallen with her. For a moment she thought he'd left her, and she imagined killing him in a variety of ways, before remembering the limbs she'd almost tripped over a moment before. Buffy brushed her hair back from her face and turned around, feeling the muscles of her back aching as she did so. Sprawled against the floor a few feet away was Spike, his arm twisted under him at a painful angle. He wasn't moving. The only thing that stopped her from panicking -- _other than the fact that she did not care about him_ -- was the fact that Vamps get dusty when they die, which Spike so obviously wasn't. 

***

Spike woke with a roaring hunger gnawing at his insides. It felt as if a monster was sitting inside him, claws dug into his chest, and tearing at his organs. Which really... it was. He gasped, sucking in vast quantities of air. Air that used to be life. But now it just inflated his lungs before being pushed out by the dead-weight of his undead flesh. His eyes snapped open, yellow and fierce, and sought out something to sate the pain within his limbs. Anything to stop the desperate _need_. 

He felt alone, surrounded by trees. They negative colour of his Vampire sight lit up woods around him, but only to a small degree. His left arm hurt, and was probably broken, but what attracted him to the break, more than the pain, was the blood. Soaking through his clothes, thick scented. Within a second of smelling it he _knew_ that was what he needed. Knew it with an overwhelming feeling of certainty. And with that he began to seek it out. He stretched his Vampire senses out as he tried to target a warmer source of blood. But he didn't have to look very far. A steady thudding in his ears brought his attention to it. It took him a moment to realise that the noise was a heartbeat. A little longer to realise that it was not his own. Holding his arm to his side protectively, Spike turned around where he was crouched on the ground and stared at-- 

Yes Spike, its me. she replied, her voice tired. She didn't seem to be paying much attention to him. Which was good. If she had been then she'd have noticed the rapid change from demon to human mask that his face underwent at the sight of her. A cut on her forehead oozed blood down the side of her face sporadically. He found his eyes drawn to the wound, even as his brain panicked and told him to back off. 

Are you... he licked his lips, 

Buffy touched a hand to her forehead with realisation, Oh, its just a cut. she lowered her bloodied fingers back to her lap, not noticing Spike's eyes following them before snapping back to her face. 

he said, after a pause, his eyes never leaving her face. He seemed mesmerised. It took her a moment to realise that he was not exactly staring into her eyes. He was looking at the cut. Covertly she flipped some hair over her face and turned it to the side. 

Uh... How's your arm? she asked uncomfortably. 

he answered simply, the blood on her forehead was still visible through the blonde sheet of hair. If he just tilted his head a little-- 

Spike? Are you all right? 

Spike straightened, a guilty feeling trying to assault his gut before he banished it, Oh, yeah, I'm fine. He might be a Vampire, but he was no fledgling. He would not attack this girl. This Slayer. He could control himself. He was not a monster. _That's kinda the problem isn't it?_ Not monster enough for Dru, not man enough for the Slayer. He really didn't fit in anywhere. _Who says I want the Slayer anyway?_ he asked himself, angrily. 

The question hung in his mind unanswered for an impossibly long time, his eyes cast upon a distant strip of grass as if it was very interesting. It was not as if the answer was a hard one. Or as if it wasn't on the tip of his tongue. But that it was an impossible one, that if voiced, could lead to him being staked. And that wasn't even the worse-case-synario . The blankness in his mind was more brought about by the deafening nothingness that came with only his own thoughts being in his mind. No longer did someone else's ideas pop into his brain at random moments. 

Buffy shifting position was finally the thing that snapped him out of his mind. She had said very patiently watching him think, but now was getting bored. And more than a little uneasy. When he had first looked at her it was as if he wanted to devour her, all of her. As if he needed her to live. The heat simply coming from his eyes was sizzling. But now he looked at her as if she was very far away. He made her feel lost. 

Are you sure your arm... her question trailed off. She just wanted to get some reaction out of him other than staring. 

Yeah... Vampire healing. 

She nodded, and nervously rubbed her own arm with absent-minded fingers. Forced out of his thoughts the bloodlust crashed down upon Spike again, making it hard for him to breath. Except for he didn't need to. He didn't breath. Undead and all. With that knowledge he stopped trying, but he still felt the burning in his chest as if he needed oxygen. It was devouring him from the inside. His eyes immediately fell back upon Buffy. And he didn't see the Slayer. His Slayer. He saw her blood. Warm, thick and pumping around her veins. He was starving for it. Starving for her. But he couldn't act on it. Couldn't touch her. She was a part of him now. Just as William was. 

It didn't stop her from looking tempting though. 

Buffy stretched out tired muscles as she tried to forget about the bad-guy who seemed to have disappeared for the moment. And also to ignore Spike and his wide eyes, that were on her again. She stretched first one, then the other, arm out in front of her feeling the bones slide against each other nicely. She rolled her head to one side, presenting her scalp to Spike as she rubbed the exposed side of her neck. Once satisfied that was all right she performed the same move with the other side of her neck. 

Spike was glad he couldn't breath, because he would have been turning blue now from the lack-of-it he would be doing. Watching the tousled Slayer toss her hair was bad enough, but when she tilted her head away from him and rubbed her neck in a way that screamed invite' he wanted to leap at her right then. Her eyes were closed and her fingers just continued to caress the skin of her neck. The hunger inside him told him to jump. The lust inside him told him to move. The demon inside him told him that she wanted it. She was the Slayer, she knew what that gesture meant to Vampires. She was offering her blood to him. She wanted him to have it. If he had been more rational he might have seen through those base thoughts. But he wasn't. 

Buffy heard a low growl emit from Spike, which was the only warning she got before attack. But it was enough. She had turned around fully, her arms outstretched to defend seconds before he smashed into her. His whole body seemed to have risen off the ground and flown at him like that of a big cat. She landed on her back, him on top of her, demon face looking down into hers. She didn't scream. Slayers didn't scream. Instead she took a split second to realise her predicament. Her arms were braced against his chest, the only thing holding him back from her neck. Her legs were pinned helplessly beneath his. He was growling down at her, as if the person she had known since he had entered Sunnydale had vanished and this beast was all that was left. 

Buffy gasped, torn between turning her head to the side so as not to lock gazes, and protecting her neck. The second impulse won out and she stared up into his golden eyes, not filled with desire, or longing, now just with insatiable hunger. 

she whispered, finding it hard to breath with his body crushing hers, Spike. Listen to me. he didn't respond, _Listen_. Listen, Spike. She wasn't sure why she was trying to speak to him, but she just felt that if she could distract him then she might be able to save herself. She had an idea, stemming from her memories, or his. 

W-William? Listen to me. this at least seemed to break though to him, but not in the way she had hoped. If anything it seemed to make him more angry. 

I'm. Not. Him. He snarled. 

she tried to free her legs as she spoke. 

William. William the bloody poet. I'm. Not. Him. 

But once-- 

NO! I am not him. I'm the demon. The demon that took his body. I'm not him. Somewhere between the beginning of his protestations and the end Spike's human mask slipped back into place, and his pressing against Buffy's body became less urgent. His voice towards the end became almost pathetic, as if he was defending himself from a very old taunt. I'm not. he finished, almost sulkily. 

Buffy breathed. Suddenly Spike couldn't meet her gaze, his eyes darted everywhere but there. Her hair, her forehead, her nose, her lips... Anywhere but her eyes. After a long silence he coughed. 

I'm the one who should be sorry Slayer, jumping you like that. 

Uh yeah... Buffy watched his eyes dart about, Said we were going to wait until after the battle before any of that stuff. 

What stuff? Spike asked playfully, raising an eyebrow and instinctively locking gazes to gauge the level of disgust on her face. 

There was none. And suddenly, as hazel met blue, both parties were aware of how close they actually were to one another. How much they were touching. Her hands were still against his chest, but she wasn't trying to push him away any longer. So they were just resting against his clothed flesh. His body was pressing down onto hers, and their faces were actually very close together. 

Buffy broke the thick silence around them, and as if snapping herself out of a coma, burst into action. She pushed him off of her and leapt to her feet to keep the distance between them. 

he said suddenly. 

Buffy blinked, wondering if that was some kind of British sexual innuendo. 

he said again, patiently. When she still didn't seem to understand he reached down into the grass and pulled up a glowing lump of clay. 

he seemed smug, and she pretended it was about finding something, We have the weapon, where's the beast? He stood up and looked about the clearing with annoyance. 

Buffy turned so that he was to her back and stared out into the blackness of the forest. If she glanced up she knew she would see a spattering of stars through the tree branches, but her body's equilibrium wasn't ready to be that shaken up yet. Spike waited for an impossibly long moment before repeating with emphasis, 

We have the weapon, where's the beast? he glanced around emphatically, as if expecting something to just appear. 

Buffy turned to him, her eyes narrowed, You just said that. 

I know. Spike admitted after a few more seconds of searching with his eyes, I just thought that might be the line he was waiting for. he shrugged sincerely, Sometimes even _I_ forget we don't live in a bloody soap opera. 

For the love of... Buffy sighed and turned back to the forest. She was reluctant to move from where they were, but knew that it might come down to them searching for Kakeaner again. Great. Instead of putting forward the inevitable suggestion of moving she decided to delay time with a little Spike-bashing, You really thought that would work? God, Vampires are stupid. Though I guess it explains all the cheesy catchphrases I hear. Boy are they bad. You thought you could just say something and he'd appear? Poof? 

Buffy found herself facing Spike again, her arms spread expressively. To answer her rant Spike pointed with his good arm towards a spot at her back. Buffy turned to be confronted by a rather large wolf less than ten feet away from her. Instead of panicking, she gritted her teeth and snarled back at Spike, 

Don't. Say. A. Word. 

Spike mimicked with amusement. 

_I said_... Buffy twisted around on the spot to show Spike exactly how angry she was with him by glaring. Instead of seeing an annoying smirk on his face she saw concern just before he knocked her to the ground. Again. Seconds later a wolf leapt over the couple and landed a few feet away. 

Buffy tried to scramble out from beneath the Vampire, What are you-- 

I just saved you! he protested. 

Its immaterial, you jerk! It would have gone straight through me. Buffy snapped as she stood up again. Spike rose a few moments later. 

he mumbled. Then after some more glaring on Buffy's part he produced the talisman, still glowing, in the hand of his good arm, Guess we use this now then. It sounded like a question even though he had intended it to be a statement. 

Hang on... Buffy stalled, waving a hand as she ran off into the woods behind him. Spike stared after her for a moment before turning to eye the wolf. Except for now it was a leopard. Kakeaner's toneless eyes connected with Spike and the Vampire growled. He really wanted to kill this beast. There just weren't enough mounted animals these days. It had fucked up with his head, and there was nothing that Spike hated more than that-- 

Got it! 

Spike broke eye-contact with the Leopard to glance behind him. Buffy was scrambling back through the undergrowth into the clearing with a battle-axe in her hands. Spike turned back to Kakeaner and his human mask melted away to reveal his Vampire face. He didn't need weapons to fight this thing. But let the Slayer have them if it gave her comfort. It wasn't like having Spike in the battle was going to give her comfort. He shifted his stance ever-so-slightly, pressing his wounded arm against his side where he hoped it would not hinder him too much. Once the Slayer had joined him by his side he raised the talisman in his good hand and waited. 

Buffy breathed in, then out. It was nice to be able to watch an opponent for a while before a battle. She felt, rather than saw, Spike shift his position beside her. It was as if they were connected. And that connection wasn't as cliché as it sounded. Vampire. Slayer. She could sense him and he could sense her. This would hopefully be an interesting battle. 

**_What are you waiting for?_**

The voice in both of their minds was a shock and they exchanged silent urgent glanced to check with the other that they weren't going crazy. Or if they were they were doing it together. 

**_Throw your trinket. Make it so I can touch you. I long to tear your throats out._**

See Spike... Buffy said with the air of someone giving a lecture, 

Spike nodded, trying to keep himself feeling as light as Buffy obviously was. Forest air or something. But mostly he was trying to hide the way that the voice grated against his bones, through the marrow and along the joints. It wasn't the actual words said, he agreed that they were pretty pathetic, but it was the voice. The things it had said to him before, and the reminder of what it could do to him. Why was he just standing here? He should be fighting--killing it. 

The Vampire pulled his arm back and threw the glowing talisman at the leopard, which sat completely still and let itself get hit. There was a white-gold flash that made the back of Spike's eyeballs burn, then gradually the world faded back into focus again. Slowly back into shape and colour. And there was nothing in front of them but forest. Trees, bushes and woodland animals. Nothing else. 

Buffy blinked at the spot where the leopard had been sitting. She looked down at the axe she had barely had time to raise after Spike's sudden decision. Then she looked across at Spike, who was standing much the same as he had been before. 

You blew it up. Buffy said thickly. 

A heavy force smashed into her back, pushing her headfirst towards the ground. She hit it with a groan and a snap of at least one rib, the ambusher still holding her down. Blackness threatened to take over her vision, but only for the briefest of moments before the claws dug into her back. It felt like ten small knives being pushed into her flesh at once, and she knew once they started tearing she would be dead. 

she heard Spike shout, though she couldn't tell where he was. Whether he was trying to help her or just sitting down to watch the show. 

But she was The Slayer. And she'd fought worse things that an oversized cat trying to use her as a scratching post. Using her arms to brace herself against the ground, she rolled to her left with all her strength. The leopard rolled too, its claws unhooking, or tearing free of her skin. Somewhere in the back of her head she knew that she would have to get to a hospital after this. But she was holding that thought back for if she survived. Climbing to her feet, again, she saw Spike clutching the axe just above the leopard. 

Or what had formerly been a leopard. Because now that it was material, Kakeaner did not look like he did on the packaging. Gone was the fur, which was replaced with graphite-coloured scales. Its eyes were almost all blackness, but for the peekings of red irises near the tear ducts. Its paws' were the most catlike thing about it, the retractable claws on full show. It had no tail, and the teeth poking obscenely from its mouth were not pearly-white, more greeny-grey. 

Spike hacked at the beast as if it was a tree, the axe cutting into the dark-grey scales and revealing pink flesh underneath with an ease that was almost impossible. Or that was how Buffy saw it at least. Until she remembered, duh, Vampire strength. He was strong, but she was the Slayer. He could hold off the beast, she could kill it. As Spike moved away from the gargoyle-like monsters, sans wings, Buffy sped in. 

A sweeping-kick to the side of the monsters head deflected his attention enough for her to move in closer and land her fists on the soft-spot under his jaw. As soon as her hand brushed against the scales of the creature's throat she went onto auto-pilot. Kicking and punching when her body told her to, hardly aware that it was her mind ordering her body to move in the first place. More than once the scales dug deeply into her bare hands and arms, inviting blood to the surface. 

Spike watched the Slayer fight, torn between awe and annoyance at her skills. He smelt blood, and stood at the ready to jump in should she need him. But she didn't even seem to notice her wounds. He didn't blame her. That thing had done something to her that no human should have to experience. The crime against the demon, him, wasn't so bad. Because he was a thing damned anyway. He understood that. It didn't stop him wanting a piece of this demon's hide as well though. 

Buffy gasped at the claws dug into her calf and, leaving torn ligaments and muscles in their wake. She fell to the ground, and immediately Spike was there. She would almost have thought that he cared, except for he didn't spare her a second glance, instead he advanced upon the demon, axe raised and his own bestial face showing. He roared and charged the animal, swinging the axe down to take off its head. Except for the thing moved and the axe only embedded itself in the beast's shoulder. Snapping around the monster launched itself at Spike and slashed open his forearm, with one paw before the other knocked him down. Blood dripped down Spike's arm and made the axe slippery in his grip. He tried to hack again but the weapon simply dropped from his grasp. Would he die now? When demons died there was no chance of heaven, only hell. Even if they had been good. Which Spike had not been, and was not, and never planned to be. Was this creature going to be the one to kill him? 

Kakeaner was suddenly pealed away from his view, and his body, by a very pissed Slayer. She was holding one of her legs off the ground and Spike could tell it was badly injured, but still she stood. 

Oh please, if anyone is going to kill him it'll be me. She leant down and picked up the axe from the ground, disgust only showing vaguely on her face at its state. Once she straightened she continued talking, her eyes never leaving the beast. And what were you going to do, decapitate him with your jaws? Cause, ew! 

The beast growled, but if it was swapping insults with the Slayer, it was in a language she could not understand. 

I find... Buffy advanced, the foot of her useless leg only touching the ground when it had to. The pair circled each other, she raised the axe in one hand, winced, then placed two onto it. Perhaps the sweep down was just supposed to be a random parry, a feint, but it struck home once. Right on the creature's neck. If blood fell she couldn't see it, but encouraged she swung again, and again, until he was lying on the ground, twitching. She moved forward and clinically dealt the killing blow. Only then did she finish her line that Kakeaner would never get to hear. ...axes get the job done a lot easier. 

Buffy stared from the axe to the beast in disbelief, as if suddenly the Slayer part of her had disappeared and she was appalled by what she had done. Disgusted. But that quickly dissipated, or was hidden, and instead she held up the axe once more. Her nose wrinkled adorably and her eyes narrowed as she added for anyone who was listening. Ick... But not cleaner.. 

Spike stared at his Slayer, hair in disarray, cheeks pale from blood-loss, gashed all over her body, and he saw her. Properly. Powerful. Feminine. Killer. Lover. Girl. Woman. Everything that had dammed him as a man and cultivated him as a monster. She was beautiful. And he couldn't quite believe he hadn't noticed it properly before. He was broken from his sickeningly revelation by her speaking. 

What are you staring at? Buffy complained as she inspected the axe. He quickly looked away as if he really was that blushing poet everyone mistook him for, Oh please, Spike, its hardly time now for you to get a little squeamish. she lowered her voice, I've seen what you've done. 

Spike composed himself and stood, Guess its my turn now. 

Buffy questioned, his voice duller on her ears as she listened to the roaring of blood around her head. Her damaged leg was going numb and the broken rib was making her chest constrict painfully as she breathed, What are you talking about? 

My turn to die... Spike offered, his voice impatient, 

She did remember, --I'm not going to kill you now. 

Spike frowned, this conversation turning in an unexpected direction. 

Well perhaps if you could help me to sit down instead of just standing there until I faint, I could tell you. she snapped, annoyed by having to ask for help in general, and specifically from him. Surprisingly Spike resisted the snarky comment that would easily had tripped off his lips and instead he moved forward to help. He pried her fingers from the axe and dropped it to the ground. Once the weapon had left her grip she seemed to crumble, as if it was her only connection to the Slayer strength she used to wield it. He caught her quickly enough as she sagged, her torn-up leg finally giving in. With one arm around her middle and the other held useless and broken at his side Spike helped the Slayer over to a tree, then lowered her to the ground so that her back was against the trunk and she didn't need to use bravado to keep her spine straight. 

He knelt beside her, ignoring his wounded arm and the blood flowing from its extra wounds, instead reaching up and brushing blood-matted hair away from her face. She watched him warily, and it took him a while to realise why. As if the memory of it was a trigger, the bloodlust awoke again in him. But this time, with a scary simplicity, he forced it back down and instead pasted a gentle smile onto his face. 

Good fight Slayer. 

Thank you. she smiled softly. His hand lingered on her face until she spoke again, when he pulled it back as if he was scared, Uh.. How's your arm? 

Same... give or take a few muscles... How's your... everything? 

she grinned, feeling light-headed from the mixture of post-battle adrenaline and blood-loss. He was torn between running for help, and waiting for it. Or, of course, watching her die. But that thought was hardly in his mind for long before he found himself speaking again. 

So, Slayer, why aren't I getting dusted? 

It'd be like killing a part of myself. she didn't even hesitate in her answer. Which she thought was very brave of herself, but he simply frowned to show that he didn't understand. Buffy sighed. 

Its like... She paused, eyes averted as she sought for the proper words to describe it, Its like... Your memories. Your memories of William. He isn't you, but you feel like you know him better than anyone. His thoughts and his feelings. Its like... a gift, and a curse. Because you can understand someone so completely that everyone else pales in comparison. Well... not everyone else... but just your relationships with everyone else. And you've lost that person, Spike. You lost that person when you killed him... I can't imagine what would be like. I couldn't do it by choice. Which is why I'm not going to kill you.. she paused, swallowed, then added as a soft promise, 

You know me then, Slayer? Everything about me? I find that so, so hard to believe. 

Because if you saw everything that I'd done... Killing. Raping. Turning. Then you wouldn't forgive so easily. 

Buffy frowned, what did he want, she had admitted that she understood him. Did he want more? I don't forgive you. And I was there, Spike. I saw it all, in Technicolor. 

Then why let me go? As a Slayer, you should be even more keen to kill me...Unless... The Vampire began to speak slowly as if each words that came from his mouth was a new one, his brow was creased into a frown as he worked out the implications of his latest realisation, Unless you... enjoyed it, Slayer. Did you? Gave you a thrill... Letting go. Is that it Slayer? You let me go after seeing all of that, because if you forgive me, then you can forgive yourself... 

she said with certainty, I don't forgive you, Spike. What you did was sick. Disgusting. Wrong. You're wrong, Spike. I told you why I was sparing you, why can't you just accept that. 

Accept that for once you could be telling the truth? I'm not one of your usual gullible Vampires Slayer. 

Why are you so desperate for there to be a different reason? I kill you; I kill a part of myself. And I can't do that. Why can't you accept that? Accept it and leave. 

Forever? Leave, forever, Buffy? Or until you want me again... 

I have never wanted you Spike.

Spike rose to his feet quickly and began pacing in front of her as if some kind of internal struggle was going on within him. She watched him, her hands moving nervously to and from her wounded leg as if afraid it would fall off. His uncertainty seemed never-ending, and so she spoke into the silence.

What do you want from me Spike? What do I have to say to make you leave? to make him pay attention she stood, pulling herself up with hands firmly grasping the trunk of the tree, and leaning back against it so as not to fall down. He stopped pacing and turned to her, his face once again was awash with emotions that she couldn't pick out.

Tell me... he started slowly, his eyes not connecting with hers, ...that you don't... need me. Tell me you don't need me, Buffy.

She parted her lips obediently to tell him exactly what he didn't want to hear. But her mouth was covered in an instant by his palm against her lips. The gesture was gentle, and she kept her mouth closed even as he removed his hand.

Spike felt broken, wild, angry and everything inbetween. She wanted him to leave, even now. She offered not to kill him as if that was some compensation for helping her. Since he had come to Sunnydale he'd lost a lover, met an old rival, and fallen in love again. Perhaps he should just leave, that would be the good thing to do. The right thing. To leave, Sire his own gang, create mayhem far away from this place. Perhaps even find Dru again, plead for her to take him back... But he wasn't good. And instead of leaving he found, to his horror, more words falling from his lips.

Tell me you don't-- his voice was desperate, --That you don't... want me. Love _me_.

Spike, I...

He slammed her up against the tree, causing her to gasp, then quickly removed his hands from her. Leaving the injured one by his side and the other pressed into the moist tree-bark behind her head. He tried to catch her eyes with his as if sure that would make her say something more to his liking. She didn't look afraid. More embarrassed. But now that it was out, he had to try again.

Tell me. Tell me and I'll go. I'll leave Sunnydale and you can to back to your friends, your Angel. Tell me, Buffy, and then I'll know what you said earlier was a lie. You say that you won't be able to live with killing me. What about letting me go? Tell me you don't want me Slayer. _Tell me_.

Their eyes connected on his last words and he saw that she was crying. Well, a few tears clouding her eyes and threatening to fall down flushed cheeks. Even with all he knew about her he didn't know whether the tears were a good sign or not. Pale-swollen lips opened hesitantly, but the words that issued from them were certain.

I don't love you, Spike. A breath, And I don't want you. More firmly, I don't.

Buffy stared up at Spike and watched the pain then fury pass across his face. For a moment she thought he was going to lunge at her as he'd promised long ago. Bury his teeth into her throat and try to drink her dry. Then she'd have to kill him. Stake through heart. Dust. Simple as that. But she _knew_ he wouldn't do it. So instead she watched him compose himself, the emotional storm on his face receding into blankness. As if he accepted her words completely he straightened his posture until she was no longer crowded with the smell of cigarettes, blood, leather and alcohol that _was_ Spike. He nodded curtly, stepped away from her, then turned.

Buffy felt her arms moving even before she had ordered them to. Her fingers closed on the leather of his coat, bruising it probably, and pulled him back to her. He turned, surprise being an understatement for the look on his face. But that was quickly forgotten about as her lips connected with his. He tasted the saltwater on her skin, and felt it as his hand came up to touch her cheek before roaming into her hair. He drank her tears into his mouth as if he was trying to drain away the sorrow that had caused them. She thrust her tongue in with them, exploring his mouth as her fingers wove together at the back of his neck. His hands wandered down her back as he pulled her closer to him forcefully. She gasped in pain as the wounds on her back were touched by his demanding hands. They broke from the kiss and stared at each other. Rebuttal should have been on her lips, apologies on his, and because of the earlier words, vice-verse. 

Instead their mouths connected again and their tongues sought out each other once more to continue a much more pleasing battle. If the last kiss had been desperate, this one was passionate. Even as their resolves crumbled their bodies moved together, hearts disconnecting with brains, passion breaking from thought. They trusted their senses above all else. If only for a brief moment. And forgot about right-wrong, good-evil and love-hate. Forgot about recently spoken words and unsatisfactory answers, still made no less true by being left hanging. They simply clung to each other. And just were. 

The End

(Author's Ending Note: So, 190 pages in Word, 31 chapters, more reviews than it deserves, and Senses of Insecurity. Is that the end? No. But some people don't like reading sequels though, do they? For those people I'll just say that it ends well (house, picket fence, children... whatever your Spuffy fantasy is.) for those who do want to read the sequel it'll be called Passing Time, it'll be rated R (at least on ff.net, in other places it'll be NC-17) and the synopsis is: _Last year Angelus was sent to Hell, Dru fled town and Spike stayed to help Buffy. This year Buffy and Spike's relationship progresses worryingly, confusing both parties, but when they have to take a trip together to save the world things change permanently._' The first chapter should be up somewhere around Christmas. I'd like to put a big **thank you**' out there to everyone who has reviewed and stuck with the fic. Words cannot express. So I shan't try. )


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